Fall Ridiculously and Wrecklessly, head-over-heels in Love

who doesn’t want to do this at least once in their lifetime.

Our lives are taking us in different directions I guess – 2 hour drive away…not a huge distance but yeah I think it has more to do with how much our lives are going to change in the next few months, the fact that its getting harder to see each other, and missing each other makes us both growly and snappy…He is starting a new job, I have a lot of insecurities (check out previous posts if you don’t believe me) I should have taken the 2 years off after my divorce before getting seriously involved with anyone…but I didn’t listen to my mom and even though he broke up with me – I don’t regret not listening. Love isn’t enough at this time – but it doesn’t change the fact that atleast now I know I am capable of loving someone…and now I just have to focus on everything else I am capable of – like being a great mom, writing my book, and focusing on where my life is going to lead me. Who knows maybe when I grow and get past my insecurities and realize that no one can really love me if I don’t let them in all the way – I will be a lot happier. I am marking this off my list and replacing it with Stop Procrastinating because if there is one thing that the guy taught me – it was how to love…now if I find a way to be happier within myself and figure out how to be the best woman I can be…maybe then and only then will I attempt this goal again. For now I believe that I have completed it – and although its over now … he knows I love him – I told him – and I seriously can’t see those feelings dissapearing anytime soon. From day one he always made me want to be a better person – now I’m focused on doing just that…if in the end we get back together and live happily ever after – yay! That’s what was meant to be…if he finds happiness somewhere else – thats okay too. Even though I’m hurting now – and I don’t know what my future has in store with me…I know one thing for sure – I did fall ridiculously, wrecklessly, head over heels in love with him…and I don’t regret it.

All that matters now is the way he makes me feel – with my head resting on his shoulder and his hand protectively holding mine…he came into my life to change it and he has. Whether or not we last isn’t going to change the fact that I care so much about him…and I hope to God he knows that. Some say he feels the same for me – that he is just as scared as I am…I don’t know – all I know is that I’m happy for the first time in my life and although I’m scared of this happiness…I refuse to let it go so yeah…it might end badly – and I might end up even more of a broken soul then ever before but guess what…I now know what its like to honestly, truthfully and madly love someone for who he is-not for whether or not he loves me back.

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind

[Regina Spektor]

Aug 26, 2007, 03:18PM PDT | 3 cheers | Cheer this entry! | 0 comments

This sucks – he’s loved someone very much and so he doesn’t want to fall in love…he’s been with someone who had kids and they all got attached and he acted more like a dad to them then the men she brought thru their lives…so he doesn’t meet kids anymore.
I’m in love with him and I have 3 wonderful kids – I don’t stand a chance against HIS past loves…I don’t get why I keep trying.

What do you do when u know your playing the fool?

I think I’m in love.
and it’s turning me into a better person already.
I’m trying to do things that will make me stand out.
My schedule makes it a point that I cross my paths with my love everyday and I make sure I talk to her. And I like it when she talks back and sounds really interested and caring.

Maybe it’s a crush. But whatever it is. I like it.
And it’s making me become the perfect guy that I’m. :)

Not much more to say – damn why can’t I walk away this time. I see the future heartache – I see my tears but I can’t help but think that maybe this is the guy that is suppose to make me actually believe in love…this sucks completely.I’m being stupid and foolish – he even said falling for him is a bad idea…:(

In the process… I’m still young.

yeah…not sure I want to fall in love right now….part of me still thinks I am in love with the last guy I wrote about but I also need to face the fact that the fact that WE have a future is so minimal that yeah falling in love more with him could devastate me. I like him a lot, want to be with him…offered exclusivity…its not what he wants. So I will date other people, and see whats out there – after all I just got divorced…Relationships are crazy…dating is crazier. But it’s all good…I will make it out of this not as jaded as I think sometimes I could be…