Sometimes I don’t know whether I’m taking steps forwards or backwards or just running on the spot with this. As it stands, my eyebrows are fine, my eyelashes are ok. There’s a gap right in the center of the upper lid on each eye, but for some reason my craziness is mostly ok with this because the gaps match each other. I don’t even know…it just seems ok that way. I’ve been fiddling with the gaps a lot over the past few days, which has led to more losses and the growth of both gaps. They aren’t too noticeable with a little eyeliner though, and the lashes around the gaps aren’t patchy or thin, they’re nice and regular for the most part. So whilst I’m not happy about it, I’m not too sad about it, just anxious that short periods of stress or fatigue will lead me to focus on the gaps and ruin everything again.
Well that’s the negative side as things stand. As for the positive, a tiny ray of hope; usually if I’m watching television/on the internet etc and I unconsciously pull for whatever reason, I immediately become aggravated by what I’ve done, which leads to more pulling on a conscious level. The process goes like this:
1) watching tv, pull two or three eyebrow hairs out in a chunk without being previously conscious I was touching my eyebrows
2) feelings of instant regret, panic, self-loathing, agitation – thoughts such as ‘there must be a gap now, how can I fix it?’ ‘I need to examine the damage and try to neaten around it so it isn’t noticeable’ ‘everything’s ruined! there’s going to be a huge gap, perhaps I can feel it just by sitting here’ ‘I’m certain I can feel the gap I’ve made, but I think I can locate the hairs I need to pull out to make it neat again just by feeling around’
3) I either continue to pull on purpose, feeling my eyebrow constantly to see if the line of the brow ‘feels’ neater and tidier and normal again/ whether the gap ‘feels’ like it’s been disguised by thinning out the brow to remove it etc. OR I race to the mirror, frantically examine the eyebrow, locate the gap, and watch myself in the mirror as I ‘neaten’ by pulling the hairs around it. Once I think it looks ok, I return to the couch.
4) Having convinced myself I’ve somewhat salvaged the situation by grooming and pulling more hairs, I return to what I’m doing, but can’t stop thinking about/touching the area in question.
5) Decide I can probably do a better job of fixing the situation and repeat step 3, usually resulting in the eyebrow looking worse, which leads me back to step 2. AND REPEAT – steps 2 through 5. and repeat. and repeat. until there’s nothing left.
This goes for eyelashes too, I just used eyebrow for the example.
Anyway, back to the ray of hope – I’ve found on the odd occasion recently, I’ve gotten to step 2 and managed to stop myself from going further. Instead I’ve told myself ‘it’s probably fine, it was only a few hairs, even if there’s a gap, pulling more will make it more noticeable. You should examine it, but do it later – tomorrow morning when you aren’t feeling agitated.’
I think this has saved me from a lot of damage on a couple of occasions, as often when I’m in that state of mind I pick faults that I wouldn’t usually find troublesome. I know from experience that I’ll spend a whole day freaking out over one hair that’s driving me beserk because it ‘sticks out’, only to wake up the next morning and think ‘huh, if I smooth it down like this it actually looks good!’
I’m sad about the gaps in my eyelashes, but this is the way forward. All I can do now is have a little patience, forgive myself, and let them grow back.
[ that’s not a typo, hippies are laid-back and don’t care how you look ;) ] 4 months ago