let it go

so yahoo has this new feature that takes email addys from your box and asks if you’d like to receive updates from…whomever.

So I’m checking my mail and my mama’s email address popped up from some notes I had saved from her.

Oh how I WISH I could receive updates from her…lol. Could definitely use ‘em about now.

:(

edited: stupid yahoo

my stereo got stolen out of my van last evening (i’m guessing).

what a bunch of crap!

I feel so violated.

...and now no music or talk radio on the long drive to pick up my son on Fridays…and the console where the radio was and heater is is all freaking torn out and broken.

:(

sucks.

One of my childcare parents informs me that they are giving me a “holiday bonus”. that is they won’t be here on thursday or friday but I’m still getting paid!!

No, lady, I get two freaking paid holidays a year and that is one of them. As far as Friday goes, I am open, if you choose not to bring your children, you are still paying by the week. You would know that if you had ever kept your children home one single damn time.

Furthermore, will I watch their 5 year old for free on Wednesday since they are giving me such a wonderful bonus?

I’m such a pansy, I said yes.

It pisses me off really bad everytime I think about it. The nerve!

I would NOT be surprised if they still show up on Friday.

AHHHHHHH

Let it go.

Edited: My policies are clearly outlined in my contract.

write to him.

Each time I start, I get so twisted. I immediatley can hear the arguments that he will make and the entaglement of feelings that will follow.

Does that mean I don’t have truly valid points?

just a bit twisted this morning.

Asking if I’d spend the night and why I don’t want to make love to him anymore.

We talked a bit.

Apparantly we fought more than anyone he’s ever been with and he left because it was “more than he was comfortable with”. Also he didn’t want to have to worry about me holding a job and being able to pay my bills.

He thinks it’s fine that he “likes me and loves me and stuff” but we don’t do well living together.

He doesn’t feel like or have the time to date basically so could I just be at the ready for when he wants to have sex.

He twisted everything and made me sound like a raging angry slut.

and I was dumb enough to get all confused in the process.

I just hung up so I clear my head.

I wonder if I should write him a letter? Always before, I thought it would be pointless but now I wonder if it wouldn’t help to get my thoughts clear and speak to him without my emotions getting in the way.

since I’ve had a goddmamn hug?

I’m dying of lonliness and emotional neglect. I need love like water.

Human contact, concern, partnership, touch. I’m breaking.

He walks in the house today during nap time to get our daughter. He doesn’t even bother to knock.

He catches me rocking the baby and tears just rolling down my cheeks. I am just so overwhelmed. I don’t know sometimes if I can go on.

He pretends not to notice. A smiling face he blabbers on about his day. He uses my shower without asking and takes my daughter (who didn’t need to be here with me this way anyway) and leaves.

I’m so pissed he saw me weak and am sure (and devestated) that he got a thrill from it. Cruel piece of shit that he is. My son says he isn’t necessarily cruel, he simply does not care about me. Either way. It hurts like hell and I really wish it didn’t.

I usually will emerge with a little energy after an emotional breakdown like this so I’m just trying to get through.

about what you you did or what you said. It doesn’t matter because you are not real.

You never loved me. Whatever I thought we had was only imagined. Who I thought you were, you weren’t. You aren’t real. You don’t exist. It was all a dream…just my imagination (running away with me), a nightmare

I’m over him, dark, sad thoughts invade my day and steal my joy.

I’m such a child. I’ve just got to talk some sense into myself…work through it. It’s irrational.

will be the 16th birthday. Will he turn up or am I really free? Fancy that, all these years quietly quaking in my boots, waiting for his wrath when all along I was free…maybe.

So many people have said to me over and over “you have to let it go”.
So many things I dwell on and never seem to be able to let them go.
I want to change that. I don’t want to live in the land of dwell and focus so much on the past. I want to be hopeful about the future and all that is out there…