Today was a hard day for this goal. I got furious at the rude incompetent ass at the passport office, got into an argument about my dad, wanted to scream when people were cutting in front of me and pushing me in true uncivilized little country fashion at the supermarket and just felt generally irritated at all things including the weather. 2 weeks ago
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Like many women, I’ve experienced street harassment. As a teenager growing up in a different country, it was an everyday occurrence to be catcalled and harassed.
Today, I had an experience that shocked me while also making me livid. I was waiting for the bus in the middle of the day (2 in the afternoon) to get to campus and this guy passing by behind me slapped my butt! I was so shocked and by the time I turned around, he was already walking off. I am proud to say that I didn’t keep quiet but shouted after him, condemning what he had done.
However, ultimately, I was acutely aware that I was powerless. I lived in one of the safest neighborhoods in the city, this was a place where traffic is always passing, but few people are walking. There were one or two other men not too far away, but no one else said anything.
It’s been years since someone has had the nerve to physically touch me like that in public, and it shook me. I hate that guys like this feel that they can do whatever they want, as if women are public property and get away with it. The worst thing is: they’re right. They CAN get away with it. There are virtually no social repercussions. This asshole didn’t even turn back around until he was well away and then I saw him turn back and smirk at me. Fucking coward.
Even worse, is that even as someone who has read a lot about rape culture, victim blaming and slut shaming, I found myself wondering whether my skirt was too clingy, whether I should have chosen a less sexy outfit. Seriously? Looking attractive to men should not mean that anyone can come up and slap your ass because he feels like it. Fucking animal.
Anyway, this is one of those experiences that seriously tests my ability to “let go”. I didn’t say anything to anyone on campus, but it was more out of shame than letting it go, because I was re-playing the incident in my mind throughout the seminar. 2 months ago
I’m finding it difficult. Some of my colleagues (a little group of girls) are unashamedly rude and totally lack any social graces. I’ve said hello to them a couple of times in passing – these are people I know and work with every day – and they actually didn’t even acknowledge me. When we’re in the office, their eyes are glued to their laptops.
UGH. I know I shouldn’t dwell on this, but it is incredibly irritating. Need to meditate tonight. 2 months ago
controlling the urge to replay good or bad memories mentally.
feeling the anger/frustration and then LETTING it go. Not telling the story to everyone all day, updating my status or feeling anoyed all day.
letting go of relationships/people that are not worthwhile. 3 months ago
this is the first step in behaving with thoughtfulness and grace. Otherwise I’m just biting my tongue. Not so graceful. 14 months ago
I will not let any petty crap upset me. To do so would indicate that I am frightened to lose him, which I am not.
I’ve lost him a million times.
No room for being made to feel small here. 15 months ago
Today was a challenge and I expressed it as such. My head was twisted from the stressful dream and I let some things get to me.
I talked through it a bit and felt really upset, frightened and depressed for a bit.
Nothing some grape juice and several shots of vodka couldn’t fix though. 15 months ago
as difficult as I’d suspected.
It seems like shit always creeps up from the past though. I am ready. 15 months ago
let it go yesterday. it was a SHIT day… and no matter how hard i tried to turn it around, i just wanted to sit and cry. it was just a very sensitive day. I had to LET IT GO. I gave up on the day and carried on in the only way I knew best, helping others… and it was such a shit day, that even this didn’t make me feel much better… i was truly stuck in a rut.
I went home and collapsed on my bed with an attitude of “oh well” i woke up this morning feeling refreshed and full of spunk… sometimes you just have to let the day go.. 16 months ago
I love holding onto anger… it is as if it is one of my favorite pastimes… i am so embarrassed to admit it. I get this ridiculous sense of justice that inevitably concludes in me feeling guilt and shame.
today i let it go. Raymond and i got in a tiff last night because i was making thank you cards and he made a comment about us having already thanked people enough and it frustrated and upset me after i had spent all this time making a custom card with photos of the both of us… so i just threw it down. even as i am typing this i am getting mad… but i also feel bad for getting upset and going to sleep mad… sleeping the furthest i could possibly get from him… childish nonsense.
so this morning i apologized for my attitude. i havent heard back from him, but i am learning not to expect anything. 16 months ago
Today I am writing through tears and disappointment as we (Raymond and I) once again thwarted by the mother of his child.
We have had his 6 year old daughter every year for Christmas… and this year when the mother of his child mentioned that she would be taking a vacation and would need us to have Rylee (Raymond’s daughter) we initially talked a lot about it… because Rylee hasn’t spent a Christmas with her mom yet, and she loves her Mom, and would rather spend it with her than us… it pains me to admit it… but the girl unconditionally loves her Mom. I brought up the point that it isn’t fair that we have Rylee for all the major Holidays so that her Mom can take a Holiday… but as we talked it over, we realized that we would rather have Rylee for the Holidays anyways… even if it isn’t “fair”
SO we made all the arrangements (car, packing, presents) to head to my families house… who Rylee loves so much! and have wrapped all her presents… including ones from Santa. and her Mom texts Raymond last night at 8pm and says “Don’t pick Rylee up Thursday, she is staying with me.. it’s only fair since you had her for Thanksgiving”
my heart fucking dropped….. she brought up what we had been talking about all along…. but she chose to do it two days before we were leaving on Holiday with Rylee… and it is clear the only reason she is spending Christmas with her daughter is because she wasn’t able to get time off for vacation… so instead of letting it go and allowing us to have Rylee… she made Rylee chose (and she will always chose her Mom).... and now Rylee is crying, feels guilty for all the preparations we have made to have her… and she is SIX. fucking SIX. MY heart is bleeding right now… and I am so dissapointed that her Mother puts her in this position….
I have to call all of my family who has bought tons of presents for RYlee and say that she isn’t coming… I am totally devastated…. and worse it is causing Raymond and I to drift… as last night I was left to crying on the bathroom floor and he slept in Rylee’s room (as she is with her Mom)....
I honestly don’t know what to do or say… I am so upset with her Mother… and with Rylee to be honest… for being so fickle with us… but I know I can’t be mad at her… I just don’t know my next move… I am so hurt. 17 months ago