get over my dads death \

its been 9 year since i lost my dad and i wonder if i will ever get over the fact i wont see him again?
After 9 yr you would think it would be alot eaiser it is a bit but it still really hurts i hate tht i no longer have my dad and he isnt there when i need him the most.And sometimes i just want the pain of nt havin hm to go away. i hav children now and i hate it tht they will never meet there grandad they would of loved him like i do.I think of him all the time i sometimes wish he would just come back and see me just 1 last time but would tht ever really be enough i think it would help me theres so many things i just want 2 ask him but more than anything i just want 2 see his face again.

life is horrible with out him thanksgiving is coming and xmas and new years and here i am typing away next to the china, inside the china is my dads ashes, not my dad but his ashes! i want to scream and cry and laugh at the same time! i hate lifewithout him! i want to get over this and function right!

Christmas was very hard, I didn’t cry but came close alot, hopefully now that the holidays are almost over I can start to feel better on an everyday basis and I am going to look for a councilor or someone to talk too if I have too, because I can’t keep feeling this way.
It has started to affect all areas of my life again. And I can’t tell which is grief over my dad and which I really want a change in that part of my life. All I know is I need to deal with my Dad’s death first and other things second. Like the state of my relationship and how I deal with other people. Also the fact that I want to move, but that has different factors altogether, not just the things involving my dad’s death.

The holidays are hard on me this year. I don’t care about them, I can’t help it. My boyfriend said to be that I should try not dwelling on the bad, and look at the good. Ok try, but I’m not dwelling in my dad, I am just having a really hard time right now, I can’t control that. And then he basically accused me of talking to other people (one in particular) about it instead of him, the only person I have talked to is my best friend because she too lost her dad a few years ago and understands. He is mad because I was really feeling sad one day and blogged about how hard it was for me before talking to him, well writing it down was easier then saying the words.
Then he tells me he knows I feel about my dad dying and how hard the holidays are this year because his DOG, yeah his dog died 3 months after my dad. Ok I am glad you have feelings and can empathize but you dog doesn’t compare, a friend doesn’t even compare to a parent, sorry.
Don’t compare losing your dog to me losing my dad.

I thought that I had dealt with losing my dad, but I didn’t I just pushed it deep inside. Now it is coming out. And at this point most people think that I should have already dealt with it or that I did mourn already. Well I thought it would be easier if I just didn’t deal with it. So now 18 months later, it hurts like it just happen, except now, I don’t really have the support I would have had then. So now I write it all done in blogs, many of them. All my feelings, if someone wanted to they could find my thoughts on everything, all they would have to do is look hard enough.
The only thing that does seem to help alot, is a band, more in particular the singer of a band’s voice. If I get too upset or mad, or whatever, I just listen to him sing. He has the most beautiful voice of anyone I have every heard. His band isn’t even signed, but he will go far someday. I love him , I would do just about anything to hear him sing, to bad I don’t live that close, 4 hours apart. But damn, I can be so upset, and hear him, and instantly start to feel a little bit better.

I watched a movie for extra credit in my psychology class. It was called Bella. It was sort of prolife, which is ok, I don’t really care one way or another cause I’m not God and have no way of knowing what is right in this sort of situation, only what is right for me.

The guy in the movie kept having flashbacks about an accident he had when he was younger. He ran into a little girl and killed her. I was struck at his flashbacks, because I have done that before about my Dad. I have had times when I would just stop and replay thinks in my head. They are so vivid and powerful that it can be hard to get over the feelings that these flashbacks invoke. But I feel like I do. I do get over them. I do feel better, eventually I probably won’t have them anymore.

I still have yet to read the self esteem book that my therapist gave me. I just keep trying really hard to get throughmy classes. I really want straight A’s this term. I don’t know if that is a pipe dream at this point, but I want to be able to tell myself that for once I didn’t let life get in the way of my goals, that I love myself enough and know I deserve my goals.

I keep thinking that everything is ok and that I am moving on, when suddenly I will remember that I no longer have a father. That all those dreams of happiness are buried in the ground in the back of a cemetery in Arlington. What kills me is that I didn’t even know I had these hopes and dreams until they were taken away from me. I couldn’t feel the weight of them until I could no longer stand. I don’t even know how that could happen, but apparently you can hope for things subconciously.

I can smile more, but so much seems hollow. I don’t really want to hang out with people anymore. I mean, I do, but I just have no time. I’m just tired too much and everything in my life is suffering. I know this is getting better slowly but surely. I’m just terrified that everything in my life that I care about is gonna completely get screwed up beyond return before I do feel better. Number one on that list is my relationship. I need to be 100% for my boyfriend and to be ok. I never realized how much permanently losing my father would screw up every single aspect of my life. I certainly never thought it would touch my relationship with my fiance. We were gonna get married at the end of March, and now we have no idea when we are gonna get married. If we are going to get married. If we are gonna even stay together. I love him so much. I’m totally lost and I just need to know what I need to do to fix everything. I feel like I’m losing everything.

I wrote a huge post, but it was not posted and lost to the air.

My dad died on September 30th, 2007. It was at 6:30pm. Ihave been really upset about it, but I at least don’t feel like it was my fault so much anymore. Taking him off the respirator was the only thing that was right. I wanted to be selfish and try to keep him around, but my childish hope of some sort of miracle happening was only gonna cause him more pain.

I have a lot of unresolved issues with my Dad, he was an alchoholic, he was never around very much and he molested me when I was really young. I forgave him and I told him that before he died. I’m not sure if he could hear me, but I knew I had to at least tell him. I love him so much and I never really stopped loving him. I just needed to have some peace in my life. Everytime I saw him I would just be a mess for months on end and it was ruining my life. I promised him that I would learn to love myself, so that I could completely love my kids with everything that I know he would have given me if he had loved himself.

It is hard to feel good again, but I am trying. It is crazy when you realize that there is nothing you can do to negotiate and get your way. There is no negotiating with death. There is nothing in life that we can control except our own actions. That causes me so much grief because I guess I try to keep control over all of the situations in my life because of the molestation.

I miss my Dad. When times were good, they were really good. I wish there had been more good times. It is crazy to see all of the pictures from when I was a baby. Everyone seemed so happy, even him. But you can see the slow progression of pain and defeat. He was very physically and mentally addicted to alcohol. He would hallucinate, shake and be unable to sleep without it. He once went 5 days without sleep when he was with my mom. I feel bad for him. He was raped repeatedly as a kid. I know he loved me, and I don’t think that he even remembered what he did to me. I am glad for that and I hope he never has to remember…even in heaven. I wouldn’t wish anymore pain on this man whose whole life was nothing but pain.

I was there when he died, it was horrible. I had to be there though. I wanted him to know I was there and loved him and that he was going to be ok. When he was gone, I cried so hard. I was screaming about how I wanted my fucking Daddy and how nothing was ever gonna be ok, how it never had been and never would be. Everyone made me calm down, but I couldn’t cry much in front of other people after that. Everyone always wants you to stop crying but they also say you have to let it out.

I know I’m doing better than I was at first, but I still have a bit to go on this goal.

I’ve never met the man, and yet it hurts so much to know I never can.
If I don’t deal with this soon I will EXPLODE. Gaaahhhh.