Find balance.

This is a slightly difficult one for me but something I feel it’s appropriate to add as a goal.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had issues with my mental stability. Nothing particularly extreme and generally associated with my menstrual cycle. I’ve often been known to explain to people that ‘I’m a slave to my hormones’.
I always considered this to be fairly normal, to be weepy, angry, full of self-loathing, miserable, paranoid and lacking in any desire to do anything comes with the territory of being a woman right? Post menstruation it always seemed to go, I’d feel attractive, bright and happy.
Recently (by which I probably mean this year), however, I’ve noticed the mood swings aren’t necessarily linked to my period. They seem to come and go with no real pattern and I’m finding it hard to conclude whether or not they’re enhanced or linked to external circumstance. Nothing overwhelmingly shitty has happened to me this year nor has anything overwhelmingly exciting. There have been good and bad times, but nothing I wouldn’t expect anyone else to be able to cope with.
It’s just lately, I can’t. When I’m down, I’m down. Most recently I found myself reacting to something upsetting (but by no means tragic) with several days of uncontrollable weepiness, lethargy, anger, self hatred and depression. I blamed myself, it was all I deserved because I was a horrible person, I was being punished for unspecified past acts of vileness, it was no wonder I didn’t have the social or love life I wanted, I wasn’t worthy or any kind of positive emotion. It’s tiring feeling like that but when you’re there there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel a creeping acceptance that this is your lot, so tough shit sister. There’s also a sense that you don’t want to feel happy again. You know it’s coming but what’s the point. It’s all false anyway. Occasionally I’ll think about suicide. I hesitate to mention this because it’s not what I would consider to be truly feeling suicidal; the way I feel is more of a logical conclusion. If I weren’t here, everything would be so much better for everyone. It seems sensible. I have never even began to make attempts to follow through. It just always strikes me as the right way out of my trough.
On the flip side, and often suddenly, without warning, everything will be OK. Usually it switches with an almost physical feeling of release. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like a blocked sink from which the blockage has suddenly shifted, and the water starts to rush away. It sounds truly mental but I can feel a rushing through my body. It usually increases and then it’s like a wind, more often than not it rushes through my core, as if I were hollow.
When this happens, at its peak, I feel unbelievably excitable. I want to dance or run or shriek. I talk and talk and get breathless. I speak to people, physically or online, that I wouldn’t normally, in a way I’d normally find over friendly. I’m like a puppy, all bouncy and happy, the rushing wind like a wagging tail. I’ll find a way with words, I’ll feel creative and beautiful and worthwhile. Without wishing to sound like a Wikipedia list of symptoms, I also feel to some extent invincible.
And happy though I am I’m usually full of adrenaline, my stomach fizzing and churning with unknown excitement and dread.
The dread comes from feeling like I’ve overstepped the mark, that being so very over the top is annoying people. The paranoia is a constant that follows through both of these states of mind.
The final state of being is ‘normal’. Days when I just feel fine. I guess it’s contentment. I’m not overly confident, I’m not utterly wretched. I just tick along happily.
I know how this sounds, and I’ve done quiz after quiz after quiz online, some that seem silly, some reputable and yes all roads lead to bipolar. It just doesn’t seem right. Seems too extreme. So maybe cyclothymia or rapid cycling? Maybe it’s PMDD? Maybe how I feel is normal, I just can’t imagine it is.
Unfortunately, despite a fairly strong history of mental illness in my family, I feel that to seek help for this would be a sign of weakness and failure. It’s all very well being open minded about other people’s illness but I just can’t do it when it comes to me. I also feel very strongly that my doctor won’t believe me. I actually went to see her in February, following a particularly horrific pre-birthday episode of depression and she just fobbed me off.
So this is where this goal comes into play. I can’t keep going along knowing that at any moment, without warning, I might slip into a trough so deep I can’t even see the edge of it, let alone try and climb out, nor can I handle the fizzing paranoia of my most elated moments. Although, frankly, I would be sad to never feel that ecstatic again.
I’ve read about Mood Mapping and think, when I’m settled in after my move, I might investigate further. I’m sure something can be done, it’s just a case of finding the best option!

Had a good week this week – got out of the house every day and made a lot of progress in areas I hadnt even been planning on progressing yet.

We went to visit the nursery which I had seen advertised in the village next to us, and it is lovely. It does hourly rates, which means we can afford to put Oren in there for 2 hours every week – so that I can have a break to get on with a few things and spend time with Willow. Oren trialled it out this week and seemed to really enjoy it, so Im really pleased with that.

Then I had seen a job advertised which sounded perfect – working with a client group which I am desperate to start working with, home-based, part time, earning similar ££ to what I used to be on, and I have skills & experience needed for the role. I submitted my application and had been invited to interview before the deadline even closed. I have some reservations about the role, but think on the whole I would really enjoy it and it could be a stepping stone to something else. Primarily it would mean not having to return to my old workplace too, which would be a relief. Interview is next Monday, so will have to see whether or not that goes well…

I went to my fitness class again this week, and still enjoyed it even though I was on my own. Im already a bit gutted that Ill have to miss my class next week, so may have to try and go a different evening than usual.

But things seem to be going pretty well at the moment, am just hoping that this continues!

I work really hard. In fact it’s fair to say that my work consumes me. My life is slowly being gobbled up by what I want to be a piece of my life.

I feel disgusted by this lack of oontrol. By not being able to look after myself, by my vulnerablity, my weakness at not being able to manage. and i hate that I am stuck in this cycle without any clue of how to get out. Quit my job? Go on a long holiday? Stop caring? ANd not having an idea of where to start is even more sickening. How can I not even really know what I am unhappy about. Especially with all the complaining I am doing? Sick!

I’ve just realised: there’s not one particular aspect of my life that’s “unbalanced”. My whole life seems to be unbalanced. My thoughts, behaviours, everything. It cannot be adjusted be a simple ‘tweak’ of this or that- it’s intricately woven into my being and I think that it’s going to take some time to de-code whatever it is that need’s de-coding and re-code with balance and positivity… Maybe it is simple and I’m just complicating things? I don’t think so but anyhow- just a thought, whilst at work…

i am so nearly there with this one!!

This is such a huge issue for me and I guess that’s why I haven’t had the courage to write about it yet…

In life there always seems to be a ‘way’ to behave, to speak, to drive, to sit, etc. But, who’s to say which ‘way’ is right and which is wrong. Who’s to say that instead of speaking loudly all the time, the ‘proper’ way of speaking should be with a lowered voice? Who can say that? If somebody can say- then who are they? Where do I find them? How can I find them?

There are so many things in life that require a balance. Life itself requires some degree of balance. Anything not balanced is imbalanced- that apparently is not ‘acceptable’ in many situations and whatever.

So how does one find balance?

I never seem to be ‘balanced’ in anything.

how much more spare time there seems to be if I leave my laptop at work.

Last night I went out with another girl from work to meet a friend for dinner and decided to leave my laptop at work. It was a great night out.

And when I came home everything seemed so much calmer. Weirdly disconnected from my usual evening routine of checking emails, surfing the net and watching telly online. But good in a way.

Maybe that’s something I should do more often. Leave the laptop and work and have at least one tech-free evening a week to unwind…

:) Finding balance is a constant search I think. Everyday I get up at 5:30 am, get to work at 7:00 and I don’t stop moving and running around until I get home around 4:00. By the time I get home, I know I need to change, and get my butt to the gym, then come home, plan my clothes and food for the next day, work on homework, and then go to bed…..let me tell you how good I am at doing this. Working during the day, no problem, I give it my all…literally. By the time I get home, ALL is gone and my energy is out the door. I think the thing to do, is push through the mental block and just get to the gym to take care of my mind and body…but it has been so hard.

I’d like to find balance and end the ongoing struggle brewing within me and find some peace of mind.

I have had problems at work since we got a receptionist/office manager? who is a redneck and thinks she is above all the minorities in the office. She puts her feet on top of her desk. Looks down on you like she is something special and like she is your boss. I work for a family support program and I do have a boss. The receptionist does not even have a college degree. I am upset about her demeanor and so are most people in the office but the executive director does nothing about it. Almost nobody talks to her. I do feel bad for her sometimes and I say good morning or have small talk with her but the I regret doing so because she keeps doing the same mean things.
The morale in the office is low since she got hired. I will try to keep to my self, focus in my work and completely ignore this hick. (She wears scrubs on Fridays, somehow she thinks she works in a hospital)

My relationship with my son is from bad to worse. I am thinking of getting professional help. I need to establish limits and stick to it. Every time I ask him to do a single chore turns into drama. He gets so mad and I try to stay calm so that it is not the two of us being mad. We had an argument yesterday, I took a deep breath, hugged him and told him that he needs to help more around the house. He reacted well.
I have to make sure he picks up his clothes from the bathroom floor today.

I NEED to work harder in my business. I am good at working passionalety for others, why not for me?

My self-esteem is very low right now. I feel lonely and tired of living. Sometimes I am driving and I feel like a robot. Like everyday is the same. I am stuck in a rut. I need to read positive things, stay away from negative people. Do things for myself.
:)