After the trial in April I haven’t done anything to move on. It’s where I started losing myself. This goal in particular is so hard because first of all, I don’t even know how to begin healing. And everyone is different, so everyone has a different way of getting over it. It also doesn’t help that I can run into my abuser at any time since we don’t live that far apart. I don’t have a job, and I avoid applying to certain places in fear that he’d go there or his relatives and friends. I’ve already bumped into one. Before I enter a mall,a store, movie theatre, restaurant, even a bus or train I always check and scan to see if they’re there. I find it so unfair that I did nothing wrong but stand up for myself, yet I live like this. I don’t know how to stop fearing these people, so that way it doesn’t affect my life. I want to be able to be somewhere, and if they are there staring me down or laughing at me it wouldn’t phase me. 9 months ago
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Someone keeps trying to change me. I know she means it in a good way, but the more she tries to change me, the more annoyed and scared I get. I’m the type who doesn’t talk much, especially to sociable people like her, and she thinks this isn’t good for my future. She’s just a friend, but she seems to be deciding my life for me.
I see her often, and every time we meet she’ll want to try to change me to become more sociable. She keeps trying to ask me personal questions to try to get me to answer and tell me more about my life. But I don’t really like to share such things with others unless with close friends, but with her forcing me, she’s becoming less of a close friend. Now I dread to see her every time. I don’t even want to talk to her. I can talk to other people fine and be natural towards them, but every time I see her face, I just freeze up and no words come out. The more she wants me to talk, the more I can’t talk to her.
Now I don’t even think I can be myself in front of her anymore. Somehow I don’t even know which is my real self, the one who talks to others naturally, or the one who freezes up and stops talking at all. Or maybe both are part of me.
I’m so confused right now, and I don’t even know what I should do. If I continue to being terrified of her every time, I might lose her as a friend, and I don’t want that.
I really just wish she would stop forcing me to change. I know I need to change, but the more people try to force me, the more distance I’d feel towards them. I’d become cold to them, and I don’t even know how to feel natural towards them.
I hope I can stop being afraid of her, because right now she’s the only person I can’t be natural towards. I can’t even smile at her even if I tried. It’s so easy to smile at other friends, but so hard at her. I hope I can change my thoughts about her, but I don’t know how to change them. 2 years ago