Allow myself to only be treated well by the people I choose to have friendships and relationships with. If they do not, I need to find the courage to move on without them.

Its so worth getting to a place where you realise you truly dont need these toxic people in your life. Life is alot more happier and less stressful as well as not having as low self esteem. One of the best things i have achieved.

I lost my best friend to meth two years ago. He was the only friend I had ever felt a real connection with in my entire life. He was also the only truly good friend, sincere, compassionate and fun. And he was the only friend I had. Although there may be people who believe you stick by your friends no matter what, until youve known meth the way i have its a completely different story. I had a boyfriend years before who was addicted to it for years. As it got worse, the more he used it his brain became damaged including the memory and personality index of his brain. When this happens the person you knew is gone and they can never be that person again that friend has died and you get the left overs and its not pretty, its really sad. I dont regret letting my best friend go. The day i decided, it was one of the easiest decisions of my life because he was happy to take me for a drive in his car before telling me he was still high . Once you see how unconcerned they are of your well being how inconsiderate they are for your feelings, your just relieved to go on without them even though its such a big dissapointment. He had so much going for him, oppurtunities i would kill for. And I personally take offense from drug users because ive struggled with disease my entire life and spent so much money and time taking drugs just so that i could complete my day free of agonizing pain, it took me 15 years to find a medication that worked. Its not fair that i have to spend money, take meds that destroy my internal organs just so i feel normal when they want to feel better than normal?
All they have to do is deal with their personal problems by seeing a psychotherapist, reading a book, talking to someone, writing in a journal. Everyone should be so lucky, to have that kind of control on their medical state.

And with all the drugs psychiatrists are so eager to hand out why resort to street drugs if your having a mental problem making you unhappy you dont see your dealer you see a mental doctor. Its common sense.

Every story has both sides to it and now I’ve heard both. Both parties are equally guilty for letting things go so far so I am not dis friending either of them. I love them both and I wasn’t even there, I am just a little drama queen sometimes. I need to work on that.

I’ve been high, and i’ve been down
My head in the clouds and my hands in the ground
In the arms of a woman, I found my way home
In the arms of a woman, I had been lost

When I’m so lost that this losing feel like dying
I hope you’ll be by me then
When I’m so lost that this losing feel like dying
I hope you’ll be by me then

As a young man, I was afraid
Of my life, what would I make?
I would make love, what will I hate?
What bittersweet road will I take to my grave?

And if I’m old ‘til this oldness have me dying
I hope you’ll be by me then
Oh, when I’m old ‘til this oldness has me dying
I hope you’ll be by me then
I hope you’ll be by me then

Sick of you, and I’m sick of me
I’m sick of wars, and I’m sick of peace
I’m sick of sound ‘til I’m sick of silence
Oh, sick of the darkness ‘til I’m sick of the light

When I’m so sick that this sickness has me dying
I hope you’ll be by me then
I hope you’ll be by me then
Oh, when I’m so sick that this sickness have me dying
I hope you’ll be by me then

Once, as a boy, I saw what happened
I saw them beat him down to the cold, cold ground
Watched those big boys beat that man down
I was too weak to make a stand

When I’m so weak that this weakness feels like dying
I hope you’ll be by me then
When I’m so weak that this weakness feels like dying
I hope you’ll be by me then

When I’m old ‘til this oldness feels like dying
I hope you’ll be by me then

So I will live as I see fit
There will be those who will not like it
But in the arms of a woman, I found my way home
So to the arms of a woman, I will go

And if I’m old ‘til this oldness has me dying
I hope you’ll be by me then

I am confronting my fighting friend tonight. I am so nervous to tred into these waters but I have to do it. I would feel like a horrible person if I just let this thing pass without expressing how I feel about the situation. This girl needs help, a lot of it and she needs to realize that. Its a sad sad state of affairs right now but I will not be drug down by some abusive person. NOT GONNA HAPPEN in this lifetime!

So this is in reference to the previous post and I can’t even believe that what I am writing its actual fact, not fiction. Last night after I had left my friends party two of my friends got into a fight and my one friend choked her and like tackled her to the ground. Fricking drama man, I am so over all of it. Drinking = Fighting? Usually for me drinking = having a fun time. That never seems to happen when all these people party.

I am thankful that I wasn’t there to witness any of the above mentioned incidents. Its high school drama bullshit and I don’t have time for it. Now I’m wondering if I should even retain a friendship with one of the girls. Its not all worth this crap!

So last night was my friends graduation party from college and I was so happy and proud of her that she’s finished with her schooling and that we were all going to hang out and celebrate. Well I celebrated with almost everyone except her!

I got there and she didn’t even say “Hi.” or come over and hug me, nada, nothing, zip, zlinch. That kind of said it all without having to say anything at all. I even brought things for the party, I feel cheated.

Granted I had fun with the people I did know that were there and my friend Steph was there. She also got f’d over by our friend. Its like..why am I putting in the effort when its all ONE SIDED! Grrrrrrr.

Oh and I also got to wake up to that “Shoot I didn’t wash my face the night before, my eye lashes are stuck together and my head hurts! I drank at least a gallon of water this morning.

but its a lot more complicated than ever. I love all of my friends and I try to be there for them when they need comforting or advice and whatnot. But there is one friend of mine who is VERY self centered and everything revolves around her. She told me she is changing her bad habbits like drinking and smoking WAY too much but I think, because she’s distanced herself so far away from me for so long now, that there is no turning back.

We had a get together this past Saturday and it wasn’t the same girl I have known. She is very different, distant and secretive and I don’t know how to let her go or even if I want to let her go.

I hate that we had so many good times before she changed and now I look at all the pictures we have together and just want those times back. I’m hoping that if I stay around long enough things will return to normal. Perhaps I’m just fooling myself.

i am so dissapointed that this is the hardest thing on my list.
i am trying to cut my exboyfriend out of my life. but its hard to find the courage to carry on without him.
he used to be my best friend. and now i dont know what happened and i cant take this anymore. i know that i cant handle having him in my life because it only makes everything worse and all he does is make me feel miserable.
i wish i wasnt so scared of being friend-less and alone all the time.
i want to have more courage.
but this is so hard. i dont cry much about it because im just to tired to cry anymore.
i hate this feeling.

this summer is all about me.
i’m extremely selfless.. and nothing has ever been solely about myself.

so. when i decided this summer was all about me.
i decided it was also all about this goal.
because in being so ‘selfless’ i realized i was also allowing people to walk all over me and treat me like i didn’t matter.
i also realized these people were my best friends.

so as hard as it was. i burned those bridges.
(or charred them, as it ended up being.)
I let them have it. I told them both I was tired of being treated like I didn’t matter, and I was done letting them walk all over me. I didn’t want to hear from them, I didn’t want them to call or contact me via the interwebs.
And they tried… oh how they tried.
But I stood my ground… and they were perplexed.

And I felt lost… like I had no friends at first. And I grew from it.
From burning those bridges, I built some new ones. Some stronger ones.
Friends that will actually back me up in a fight. Ones that will support me and hold me up, catch me when I’m falling.
And those are the best kinds.

:)

This goal… has made my life infinitely better.
it’s ongoing… but for now… i’ve accomplished it.