Allow myself to only be treated well by the people I choose to have friendships and relationships with. If they do not, I need to find the courage to move on without them.

I don’t know if what follows makes sense at all, after all I’ve said against this guy, and all my efforts not to be in touch with him anymore. What follows may simply be a momentary setback or maybe it is a more truthful description of what is really going on. I don’t know… Here it comes…:

He called me yesterday, we spent almost an hour on the phone. He asked me to go visit him. However he is having some family problems, quite serious from what I understand, and he’ll let me know when it is a good time for him to see me.
Maybe he only wanted to test my willingness to go see him. Maybe he’ll just tell me he has no time to see me at all. I don’t know – he can be a phoney hypocrite, and usually is.
However, I don’t want to think he’s a bad person. I don’t want the responsibility to judge him. That is too heavy a burden to bear. He might take advantage of me as I think he already did, but human beings are so complex and difficult to figure out, and I cannot know the reasons that push him to behave as he does. I want to believe that deep down he’s a good person.
My feelings for him have always been sincere and deep. Now he tells me he’s in trouble, and asks me to be understanding: I cannot ignore his request.
Maybe, for once, I will try and love somebody even if he does not love me back, even if we have no future together, even if he simply does not want to be with me. I wish I were strong enough to love and let go. I know I cannot hold on to him, but this doesn’t mean I have to stop loving him. I can honour my feelings, acknowldege them, behave accordingly, and still have a high opinion of myself. Love should not be a source of shame. Love should be a noble feeling, and I do love him, I may love him childishly perhaps, yet it is still love.
Eventually my love for him will come to an end, and he’ll fade away in the background of my memories. But not now, not yet.

I’m waiting for him to call me again.

He’s like a drug, has always been. I know he’s bad for me, but at times I feel the urge to talk to him again. I feel like I’d do anything to be with him again.

This is just loneliness talking. I’ve gotta be patient and wait for someone better than him and that will give me so much more…someone to rock my life and make me happy. MC is not the one. I’ve gotta let him go and move on, even if at times I miss him so much it hurts. It seems unbearable, but it’s not.

He called me today, I didn’t answer the phone. I cried instead. But I did not pick up the phone.
He should go. Leave me alone. Two years and a half wasted away. Not worth it. He made my life a nightmare.
I know he’ll come back sooner or later (I gave him so much, he’ll come back for more).
I’m running out of tears. If I have to cry, I’d rather cry for somebody else. Not him, not again!

Today I saw the smurf, after maybe four months. It was nice to see him again. It was nice to see that, eventually, I accepted him for what he is: a little more than an acquaintance. My feeling for him is mild and friendly. Nothing special at all, and not at all romantic.

I found the courage to walk away from MF, from the smurf, from so many mediocre people. I’ll find the courage to walk away from MC too. Maybe I’ve already done it…

This is it. It was the last straw. I’m not dealing with this person one day longer. His ups and downs are driving me crazy.
He’s NOT worth it.
This time I must and will be strong enough not to argue with him anymore, and above all I will not try to hurt him with my words, by saying something that I know will hurt him.
All I have to do is walk away.
It was bad luck to ever meet someone like him. He doesn’t want me but he won’t let me go. It’s sick. He’s sick. I knew that all along. He’s very sick.
Now I know why he was so nice and friendly and understanding and caring when he was here: he’s a coward, therefore, being in my terrotiry, he hid his true personality, and showed me his “good guy” one, the one that he puts on in his everyday life. But I know better. I know he is a sham. Deep inside, he is sick. And me, I am sick too, for letting him do this to myself and crawling at his feet as if he were better than me.
It is never too late, right?
It’s OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER. It is over with him, and with anyone like him that I should meet in the future.

I want to do the right thing, and be in control of my life.
I feel relieved.

I had a big fight with MC. He sent me to hell, he won’t talk to me again, he doesn’t want me to be part of his life, not even as an online friend. He has totally rejected me and thinks very evil of me. He thinks I’m some kind of lunatic, I’m obsessive, I’m crazy, totally crazy, a manipulative liar.
It is true that I made a mistake the other day, when I sent him this angry and sarcastic email out of the blue. But then I apologized. And the whole thing did not last more than a few hours: it’s not like I actually hurt him or anything. I was expressing in a very immature way, I must admit, my resentment at his expecting me to go visit him, after things had been clarified between us. He knew I need to be in a serious relationship and above all I need to feel loved. He is not emotionally available to me, and that was fine. I was OK with that. But than his simple question: will you come and see me, swept me off my feet, and I reacted badly.
This once, he is right. All other times he pushed me and pushed me, and of course I got upset, but I was fully entitled to.
Not this time. This time he’s right.
I know perfectly well he does not love me, so I should not be surprised he treated me so badly. He broke my heart, and made me look completely crazy and a disgusting person.
He’s wrong, I’m not like that. He developed this distorted image of me, I really don’t know how he can possibly even talk to me (well, he won’t anymore), when he despise me so thoroughly.

I don’t have to take this. I did my best. OK, I lost it one day. I really did. I lost it. I was filled with anger and resentment because I liked him so much more than he liked me. I wanted him to care for me as much as I cared for him. The result is that I pushed him away altogether.

I know he’s not right for me. I finally came to accept that. For a moment, I dreamt we could find a way to be together, and respect and trust each other. The moment I believed that dream, I messed it all up. My emotions went wild. And I lost him completely.

God if it hurts! It hurts especially because I’ve been isolated for more than a month now, no going out, no fun, some health issues.. All I had was him, so he became important out of proportion. I actually feel I need him. But I don’t.

The truth is that I’m better off without him. I know now that he’s not a monster, I know he is a good guy, he proved it unquestionably when he came to see me, and he was the best. Respectful and kind and well-behaved and thoughtful, and funny and handsome. It is just so hard to have lost somebody the moment I realized what a great person he is.

I’m confused. Right now I’m not thinking clearly.
I need a break.
I’m off to the pool.

Sometimes I feel the pangs of pain as I happen to think about him. It was very painful to push him away, and the awareness that I did the right thing only cheered my up for a short while. Now it is the emptiness that hurts. The void of his ghostly presence in my life. His voice, his calling me, his desire for me.
I miss him.
I will survive. I’m so damn used to letting people go, that soon he’ll be one of the many that hurt me but that belong in my past.
Sometimes memory goes back to MF too. That’s dangerous. Getting over him was the most painful thing I have ever done – and I doubt that I will ever be 100% over him, if only because resentment has taken the place of love, and that’s so much harder to control (actually, they kinda co-exist in the background).
However, I guess I only think about these guys because I’ve been working all alone at home, no friends, no fun, no nothing, just work. Anybody would feel down in my place.
I’m doing all right. I’m working hard, and I’m doing what is best. I am fully convinced I made the right choice by not taking any summer break. And I’m making the most of it.
I love you, MC but I’ve gotta love me more – especially since you made it astonishingly clear that you DON’T and that you never will, you just don’t want to.

MC did come to see me, and we went for a walk (I did not let him come to my place, as he wanted, but met him outside).

We talked a lot and, for the first time in more than 2 years, I got the feeling that we were actually communicating. He explained me so much about himself and his behaviour and the problems he’s dealing with.

However, we are in very different places right now and we want/need different things. A relationship between us was ruled out once and for all. I am OK with that. All I wanted after all was to be respected. I sure want to be loved, but he’s not the one. I see that no problem. That’s OK.

He was unexpectedly franck and honest, he explained me everything and behaved respectfully all along. When we parted I got this feeling that I had lost a lover, but gained a friend. Maybe not a friend that you keep in touch with (or maybe we will, I see no reason why we shouldn’t), but somebody who wishes you well, and doesn’t hold a grudge for a missed opportunity.

Once we said goodbye, I was left wondering whether he was a good person all along, whom I rightfully saw as a monster (after all he did hurt me and make me suffer), but who had treated me badly until then, simply because I did not treat myself well in the first place.

If the change in his attitude were (as I believe it is) a direct consequence of my own attidute towards myself…well, it is amazing indeed.

I have learnt a great lesson today.

I feel beautiful and powerful and the life ahead of me seems to be fraught with opportunities to make myself and those around me happy.

Maybe, and I say MAYBE, I have really stopped despising myself. I even feel proud to be the way I am!
What a huge, huge accomplishment!

P.S.: I am good :))

He’s coming. I told him I do not want to have sex with him because I have changed and I am not getting myself involved in shallow relationship anymore, relationship that are only based on sex and awefully disrespectful to me.
He said no problem we’ll only do what you feel comfortable with.
I am scared. I think I will let him rape me. We both want that. But that’s not gonna happen no matter what.
Yes, I crave him sexually. I do, God knows how. This does not compel me to follow my sexual drive. For once, I would like to say no to somebody whose only interest in me is sexual. Somebody who disrespects me. Who makes fun of my feeling for him. Who, deep down, despises me and considers me a loser.
For once, I’m gonna say no. Sex has made my life miserable, I have been turned into a soulless creature to be exploited to relieve these scumbags’ sexual urges. I know that. I’ve learnt it very well indeed.
Now. Since I do not want to be unpolite, if he insists on coming to my place, to use the bathroom for example, I’ll offer him to be my guest at a local hotel. I can afford that no problem, so, even if in a sense he will take advantage of my generosity, on the other hand, I will have successfully reached my goal: not to have sex with him. That’s all I want. I want to say NO. I want this much more than sex, because I have learnt that after sex I will be abandoned like a useless toy, I will get treated like dirt and possibly I will have to deal with STDs. This guy uses no protections.
OK. Here we go. My plans are to have him park his car, then I’ll take him for a ride downtown, we’ll get icecream or something. That’s all.

I’m dealing with it quite well. He was not really the sort of person that I wanted in my life and he can judge me as being fickle or something – it is his choice. I would rather be considered as fickle then as nasty, mean, cruel, bitchy etc, etc.

I know that I am not the most committed of people, it’s just true, but that is my challenge and I need to learn/grow in my own way. I am still discovering who I am and what I want in my life. I appreciate him for the good stuff he brought in my life whilst he was in it but I didn’t see a positive future and so I moved on.

With L – she’s a great girl and I should put more effort into our friendship and I’m not really sure why I don’t. I guess I would like to but in my heart – I guess I don’t really want to, which is why I don’t. I have an affinity with change. I know it and it gives me comfort, because I know it and when you’ve known so much change, the concept of holding on is difficult to grasp. Does anyone understand this?

So… we broke up. I have had like, 3 broken friendships in my life in terms of specifically broken friendships and I have initiated all of them. All of them have been heart breaking in different ways. This hurts a lot right now, I am not eating much and going around with heaviness and emptiness at the same time.