Allow myself to only be treated well by the people I choose to have friendships and relationships with. If they do not, I need to find the courage to move on without them.

This goal says it all so beautifully. The keywords I choose, I need to find courage to move on without them, are what I need to work on the most.

I get easily influenced by people, I become fickle minded. This brings back the need to build self confidence. To oversome the diffidence I inculcated because of verbal abuse at the hands of my parents and then my husband.

Protecting myself is a duty I have to myself.

First of all: MC
Equally dangerous: MF & friends

and then:
spiteful CC
uninterested VS

MF
VS
CC
MC
..and anybody who should make me feel inadequate, teammates included. I know it’d be adviceable to be more sociable, but I’m fed up with trying so hard and constantly being disappointed. Easy-going is not my style. I’m the meditative kind, brooding and pondering all the time.

Besides, I’ve reached a point in my life when I believe what matters is my well-being, my serenity, my inner peace. Hanging out with people that make me feel uncomfortable is just not worth it.
I do realize that my recluse-like lifestyle will never get me to meet my Mr Right. OK, never mind that. It’s not like I did not try. But I cannot live in pain, struggling against my destiny of loneliness in the desperate attempt to get a compatible man. No. I’m not disposed to do that anymore.

So, so long stranger souls that belong in another universe than mine. I’m OK all by myself, with a non-existent social life and a few acquaintances to have a chit-chat with now and then.

I still dare to hope for the best. And now the best is to stay away from gossiping, unkindness, anguish, and abuse.

I don’t wanna meet MF anymore. Him nor any of his friends. And in my heart I’ve already let go of MC a long time ago.

Life is so much better when those nasty people are not around. I have the power to steer clear of those people. I will exert that power and forge a life as peaceful as I possibly can. No more hatred, no more fights.

My last entry on this goal was about the book He’s Just Not That Into You and I’m still working toward living the principles in it. I started dating someone new not too long ago, and everything was fluffy bunnies and rainbows to start, but then after about a month he completely disappeared. I had a really hard time with this at first and tracked him down, and fought really hard to convince him I was worth being with. And then he disappeared again. So now I’m (trying to) move on, but it’s proving harder than I thought it would. I really liked him, and I really thought it might go somewhere.

But he didn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated, and because of that I need to let it go. Easier said than done, right?

My past is striking back. There are these people that have badly hurt me and say very evil and offensive stuff about me. I have been targeted by a bunch of rascals that want to destroy me. I feel like cruently and violently kill them with my bare hands. They are polluting my social circle. Thus they are killing my social life. My life.

These people are really nasty. I need to think about options that limit the damage they are causing me in terms of friends, honour, and dignity.

First:
1. avoid going out with people from the same circle of friends as them.
2. select friends on the basis of their level of respect and consideation they have for me.
3. invest my energies in building something worth and fulfilling, something that they cannot destroy with their evilness. Luckily it’s not like they can prevent me from living my life. I still own my life and I’m going to use this dirty business as a push to make the very best of what I do have. And I have a lot.
4. foster all those friendships/relationships that do me good simply because they make me feel well-accepted and appreciated for what I am.
5. forget about sex: so far it has only hurt me. It has caused physical, psychological and social consequences that are killing me inside, if not literally. I swear to myself that next time I have sex it will be with someone I know 100% for sure that is in love with me.

I’ve gotta dump him. And MC too.

Today it’s gonna be a test day for my relationship with PD: whereas during the week I was so busy it was hard for me to meet him, today I’m (almost) completely free and could meet him during the day or in the evening.
Should he not ask me out, I’m sorry but I’d consider that as the last straw: unsatisfying sex AND lack of consideration? No, thanks.

It should not be a problem to move on without him (after all this whole things has been going on only for a week).

I have so many plans workwise and sportswise, I don’t really have the time to be broken hearted again (..and for whom, a Neanderthal man??).

Besides, my friendship with the Smurf seems to be going well (not in a romantic way, I got that!!), and an ex-boyfriend of mine asked me out again after maybe 4 years – which is nice, and I might say yes. Finally, there’s MC, the master and the monster. He’s back and dangerous.

Attending Work Resource seminars, talking to people and getting names and email addresses. Beginning to open up and build a network of new ‘friends’

I don’t know whether I want to be in any kind of relationship with this guy. I really don’t know… He sent me a text message yesterday, which makes me think that he’s still interested. I don’t know what I’m gonna do…

Newsflash: MC, the monster, called me again – after 7 months! This time his phone number was not anonymous (as it was over the last year of our relationship, when I was unable to ever call him because I did not have his phone number). Since I hung up on him and did not answer his following calls, he sent me a text message. When I heard his voice I cried instantly.

Sex with him was great and probably it would be with the fitness instructor too (honestly, he’s gorgeous: much sexier than many movie stars – and he tastes good :)). I wonder why this is so: only guys who disrespect me are good in bed with me??

I’ve come to a point in my life where sex is very low on my priorities. Wellbeing and a sense of self-worth are much more important. So I’ll do my best to keep these guys at bay. I’ll do my best to protect myself, but it is not easy… it is not easy at all… Because sex is important too, and I haven’t had sex in many many months. Maybe I should go for it, even if it is crude and vulgar. I don’t know…

ive made a LOT of progress on this. today especially. but im not going to remove this yet as i dont know if/when it will ever be ‘done.’