Understand why I attach myself to unavailable men

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http://www.43things.com/entries/view/1210628?new_comment=1749846&page=0#comment1749846 6 years ago

princessjyeah well

if I know they’re unavailable I feel much more relaxed with them, that’s it really

more relaxed means I can be myself with them, not holding back

with available men I hold back

=> stop holding back

just try it Janey, nothing to lose 6 years ago

princessjunderstand it

...with the aim of moving away from it.

I’m not sure how necessary it is to understand it, not sure it’s possible either.

But it’s certainly a pattern that I have been in pretty much my entire adult life (and by this I mean from the age of about 12).

So many theories:

  • I’m more open to them as I “know” they’re not available, so I’m not afraid of being rejected or judged.

    This means I’m more relaxed around them and more myself.

    “Of course they’re not evaluating me”, says my unconsious, “they’re unavailable. I don’t need to worry about that.”

    Then I naturally end up having a more honest, real, friendship with that person, which then leads to something more.

It’s not that I look for it, it just happens this way.

And in fact this goes both ways.

If I’m completely honest, I must realise that if I meet someone I know is available, without even being aware of it I am uncosnciously evaluating them.

“Am I attracted to this person? Do they have characteristics I admire? How much do I enjoy being with them? etc.”

This is unconscious, I am not doing it on purpose.

However, this, again, means I am not having a real human relationship with this man. I’m not seeing him, I’m not getting to know him.

I’m stuck in a kind of pet shop window mentality, noticing characteristics and price tags instead of playing with the kitten (...I can just play with this one, it belongs to the owner, I don’t need to think about it).

Then of course I’ll get on better with that kitten, and it’ll enjoy being with me too.

Those other ones are just gonna play together until someone who likes actually being with them comes along.

So the question is, how to transfer this playful carefree mentality into all interactions, including those with available men?

Do I need to understand it more first or can I get away from it without trying to analyse it (which I’m not sure I see the value in. It’s just thoughts.)

Having a long distance lover does this to a certain extent, as I have the confidence and sense of being loved that comes from being with someone, without our lives interfering too much with each other.

I think The Rules is also designed to mimic the behaviour one would show if one had this attitude, without needing to hold the attitude.

However -

  • I read recently that you can be unconsciously trying to “repair” a previous relationship, e.g. from childhood or earlier life.

    Subconsciously it goes like this. If I can have a positive relationship with this person now, with a similar pattern to the previous failed one, it will somehow repair the previous one, prove I am actually worth it, etc.

    i.e. I would be unconsciously trying to elicit love, approval, a warm relationship, with someone who I see as having no reason to be interested in me

Then when they are, “wow”, how amazing, “they must really like me”, says my unconscious.

(man, I’ve written an essay)

x 6 years ago

lostintranslationfirst step

Understanding why is the first step. Breaking the pattern is the very important next step. I hope I’ve succeeded… 7 years ago


I think I have commitment issues…seriously! I like having time to myself. But sometimes I want a partner, but not all the time…i don’t want to be in an all consuming relationship with anyone. And I sure as hell don’t want an friends with benefits thing…. 7 years ago


because I am a “goofette!” I know better, but I go ahead anyways! 7 years ago


I know why…cos I am not ready for a commitment. So I choose men who are not exactly what I am looking for. 7 years ago

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