figure out what i want to do with my life

i always dream someday i can go travel around earth….i want to go france,spain,canada,germany,japan,korean,hawaii and more than that…so from now i want to be the richer man in the world….thats why i want to study hard to archive my ambition…

i am reading loads of books… did aptitude tests and analysed my self and now i feel i am getting to understand my self and im am so happy for myself…. i have this feeling that i ll soon be able to figure out what is the real purpose of my life in this earth :)

i am taking a year off before college to get my shit together. high school was not my thing and i have a sneaking fear that college wouldn’t be enough of a difference for me at this point in my life. I want to get away from a lot of those people for a while and discover myself while there is still something there. “Change is a door that can only be opened from the inside.”

I want to be a writer of sorts. novels, poetry, journalism. something. or maybe all three. It would have to be free lance on the first two. otherwise i wouldn’t be able to love doing either any more. hobbies and loves can’t often be jobs.

Dreaming… if only dreaming could make dreams come true.

I watch the trees swirl in the wind through the library windows, as I type on the computer. I think of how cool it is, when it brushes its mercury kisses on my skin. As music tip toes in my head from the Ipod shuffle attatched to my hip.

I remember days of sitting at this very computer, madly typing away at essays, research articles, homework assignments. Expunging all that I had to endure the classes, the stepping stones leading me to my college graduation. I remember working so hard, blindly. The days of treading through bundles of snow and chaotic storms just to reach my classroom, sniffling from a cold I had caught from the dorm I lived in.

But now that I’m done… now that the puppet parade has reached it’s closing performance…

I sigh, closing my eyes. Thinking about the internships, writing for the school newspaper, building a resume of a year’s worth of magazine writing for a local publication… my parents sitting in front of me at a restaraunt telling me very assertively, “Stephanie, you have to get a job.”

The wind keeps blowing silently outside, the branches of the trees creating a ballet of loose tornados. As I sit here at the computer, in the calm after the storm, all I want to do is run away. I don’t want to work for anyone. I don’t want to do anything but travel, backpack, see the world. Document, videotape, take pictures. Write.

My thoughts zip to the rainforests of Brazil, into the meadows of Iceland and through the water canals of Venice. Colors spiral in lightning speed, tans, azule, lemon green, reds of a sunset. I see time as just a concept floating listlessly in the starry universe, and then there’s me of a different life -shining in the golden rays of the sun, with smile crinkles in the corners of my eyes, laughing wildly.

And now I’m back at my desk, positioned in front of the window. Students surrounding me. My life at a stand still. Knowing that I’m going to need to figure out something soon. Knowing that I’m hanging on a thread and time is ticking.

Dreaming… if only dreaming could make dreams come true.

I want to do something with my life. I have watched people all around me waste their lives doing things that don’t make them happy. I don’t want to waste my time or end up doing something that doesn’t make me happy. Every time I think I know what I want to do I end not wanting to do it anymore. Why can’t I make up my mind?

I really try to be good, but it seems I’m not cut out for this. Every day I wake up and I look at the people who seem so sure on what they are going to do with the rest of their life and I shake with jealousy. What enables them to figure their life out and not me? I want to scream just to release my mental pain. And yes, i do feel pain. Because, How can you wake up every morning and not have a purpose? What are you waking up for?

And, its not like i dont have options, I really do. Thats part of the problem. I can’t choose what im going to do FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE- its a very scary thought. What if i dont like it? or become a different (perhaps worse?) person because of it? What if i loose focus on whats really important in the world, like friends, love and family? And why dont i have the self confidence to figure this all out?

Yours truly,

Clavtriplet

“Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate…it is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Marianne Williamson

And how true that is. I can’t decide what to do with my life. Thinking about where I want to be in five years I freeze up, I cry, I feel upset and worried, I feel stupid for not knowing and for being unable to commit to any life plan. And mainly because I know I have soo much to give, soo much to share with the world. I could do anything with my life, I have everything going for me, but I don’t know what I WANT, so I do nothing…and so feel horrible about it, and myself.

The truth is, I am much better, much smarter, much more capable than I tend to think…and that scares the s**t out of me!!

So during the recent years some things have really cleared up. My volunteer group coach and soon-to-be NGO’s president will leave Estonia after this schoolyear and she wants me to become the new coach/president. So there’s no leaving Tartu for at least a year.

BUT. I also found a college I want to go to. And that’s in the Netherlands. Studying in the Netherlands costs a great amount of money at least to Estonians.

So.. my five year plan goes like this: after graduation 2 years in Tartu, Estonia, leading the NGO and working full-time and hopefully I’ll earn at least 1/3 of the college money for the 3 years. Then the other year goes also to applying for scholarships and university place. And hopefully the next 3 years goes to studying Liberal Arts and Sciences in the Netherlands, in Utrecht.. :)

I think I’m putting all this invisible pressure on myself to work out my life goals/aims, or at least work out what I want to be doing when I graduate, but then I read careers handbooks and it feels like I should have been thinking about all of this years ago! I know that from an intellectual perspective it’ll take a lot of growth for me to find an overarching purpose in life, but as a young woman with more practical aims, there is pressure to get on and do something.

So I would really like to know what I want to do, even if I also discover that it’s not something I can do at the moment. The not knowing, and constant feeling that something is going to happen is becoming a little unnerving.

I have recently set my sights on becoming a physical therapist. I still have some research to do on this career, but I think it sounds as though it will encompass my interests and what I’m looking for.
I’ve been known to change my mind though, so I’ll have to revisit this goal in 6 months or so to see where my interests lie.