meditate and visualise

just moving this off my list for the moment cos I’m tired of it staring at me accusingly when I’ve no headspace to make it happen :-p It’s still something I want to get into, but I need to start with smaller, more specific targets.

to link two goals together; they seem to shift and couple up in different ways.

I am starting to visualise my life in a year’s time; getting a vague idea of the things I need to do this year to strike out decisively, get a grip and steer my life around to the direction I want it to be heading. At the same time, I somehow out of nowhere have absolute confidence that I can do this.

The only way I think I can do this is to hand over to my top goal, focusing on my inner voice and making choices consistent with my character. The more I can focus on that and act from the inside the closer I’ll get to the life that fits me.

or is it brain-dump? Or just dump-dump… _{_any_way}

I have these times (a bit like tonight) when I wish I could somehow map out exactly the way I would like life to be and all the things I would need to do to make it that way. I have always been one for running with opportunities that have presented themselves, rather than having some big master plan or some huge “Life Must Be This Way!” scheme of thought.

Within the space of the past fifteen minutes I have come to the successive conclusions that this is down to not knowing what I want, not being in a place to see what I want, not being driven in any particular direction, being too scared, or just being able to be content with what is in hand.

Maybe I just need some time to sit and contemplate all the blessings I have and stop pushing quite so hard.

Maybe I’m just swept up in the idea of seeing him for the first time in a year and everything seems rosy and all I have to do is get on a plane.

Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right things? Am I suffering from a lack of vision? Am I missing out on some vital step that’s essential to my future happiness?

Or is it ok to just be doing what I’m doing? If I’m doing enough to be happy, is that what it all comes down to in the end?

On the other hand there are so many things I could be doing, so many…

directly, but I have come to a point of clarity about some things.

I would like to do something towards each of the following goals every day:

• Jog/swim one or the other, for definite, unless it’s really not possible
• something towards going back to Japan – research of possible jobs, extra translation/Japanese, planning, anything but something daily because this is part of my way of loving him
• crunches
• reading goals – either foreign languages (which means relaxation at the moment as I’m reading Japanese fairy tales :D) or non-fiction which are my train buddies.
• Something on the polylingual goal, however small
• Something creative, expressive, or relaxing

I think that’s a good balance of what I am trying to do, and what I need. If I can do all these things in small ways then I hope I’ll feel like all the days add up to something bigger.

Yay for lists! There’s nothing like a good list to stop you reaching for the snooze button. (Actually, I hit snooze first and then remembered! and turned the alarm off, the light on, and was ready!)

It really jerked me out of that sleepy-nothing-else-matters stage, and has made my day feel much more purposeful and mindful. I think I may be onto something…

with an outstanding attitude…

I almost took up this goal today but I think it can be a subgoal of this one.

I have been backwards and forwards over the necessity of having some kind of spiritual awakening before launching into the practicalities of the day. However, after several 5am starts sat borking in front of my journal, I realised all I could think was crapcrapcrap I am so tired. Not hugely productive.

• 5 things I am grateful for
• 5 things I want to achieve in the day ahead
• 1 really important thing/theme/motto to remember

and see how that goes. I don’t have to write it down, it doesn’t have to be done in bed, but I will probably find that I want to and it is.

That gives me something concrete to wake up to and should give me a chance to get a handle on life before it sucks me in. And it should only take a few minutes at most. Provided I remember to do it!

I have so not actively been doing this… but then, I have been more mindful during my daily activities, thinking things through, so I’m not sure but maybe it adds up to the same thing.

After today, I really want to forget about work for five whole days and envelop myself with my own concerns – maybe even sit down and try to deal with another chunk of that ever-present insecurity and take a good long hard look at how strong I’ve become.

i have parts of this entry everywhere and i’m going to try and shorten my list so this is getting the cut!

not that it fits here but i’m tired of avoiding things, i’m sad because i miss 43t but just don’t feel like i have anything positive to add…

i have no energy to write, i feel bad because this was helping me sort things out but i’m so exhausted from the stress of being in my life.

i find myself slipping back into the same routine of working too much, cancelling on friends, skipping the gym, worrying about what people are saying or thinking about me and basically just losing myself!

i just feel like slipping into bed and never coming out!

and its working. i’m so happy that i’ve put this as part of my plan, id like this to be a normal part of my life!