help push along the current mass extinction of species on Earth by sitting on my verandah in the afternoon and taking potshots at animals and neighbours then lighting a large rubber tire fire to dispose of the fuel-drenched corpses.

People doing this are also doing these things:

• become calm and tranquil like a buddhist monk meditating at Lake Placid and when people aren't expecting it *BAM!* I'll turn into a supersized ferocious crocodile and eat them.

• make my keyboard and mouse have sex thus making some form of freaky new computer paraphernalia which I shall give the German sounding name of kouse or von meboard.

• show my former diocese priest a series of disturbing vacation slides showing my descent from good wholesome catholic boy to a perverse gap-toothed maniac intent on turning my house into an exact replica of a Cluedo board with candlestick furnishings.