Push more Buttons

A long time friend of mine from North Carolina asked whether or not her and her friends (read: six friends) could spend the night at my place while they were in town celebrating a couple of 30th b-days. They are friends, so of course I can not say ‘no’, but I figured I’d extract a little ‘payment’ via my desire to push buttons. Below is my reply to her email:

The good looking girls get to sleep on oversized down pillows with silk comforters and jasmine incense. The ugly girls have to sleep on the cement basement floor and only get a potato sack and some straw. When you all get here, I’ll look at each girl and say either “silk” or “cement” to designate their sleeping spot.

I’m proud to say that this little ruse worked for the better part of 15 minutes before my bullshit nature was exposed (I just can not suppress the laughter).

This was a classic. A long time friend called me the other day and we caught up on current events in our respective lives. She asked me, in depth, about The Schism with my ex, and I filled her in on those details which I felt were necessary to give a complete picture but not divuldge information that was too personal.
Well, as we talked, I casually mentioned that I was going to order a 21 year old wife off the internet. I have no intention of actually doing that, but I thought I’d see if I could get a bite. Bait taken. (Imagine volcanos erupting, huricane force gales, etc.) Oh man did I get an earful about that idea: “why would you want to marry someone you can’t relate too”, blah, blah, blah.
Naturally, I laid it on nice and thick. “A man my age, 36, has needs and..” I was able to play this one out for the better part of five minutes before she saw through the BS smoke screen. Yes, I am a worm, I know…he he he

the time has come to..push the button….

A friend and I were having a chat, and somehow we started talking about people having kids. I told her I’d never have kids (not true) because they turn on you when they get older. Naturally, she immediately rejected that argument. I then proceeded to tell her about a (fictious) article I read in the New York Times that said 98% of American teenagers will commit a felony before their 18th birthday, especially the ones from “good” homes. That set off a torrent of “I know people with kids and…” Oh, ho ho…button pushed. I know, I’m a worm…

This goal probably sounds more malevolent than it truly is. I have this unrestrained urge to make subtle comments based solely on their potential shock value, and then watch with scarcely hidden bemusement as the intended target reacts. Unfortunately, all of my close friends now realize my propensity for bullshit and I am constantly searching for fresh rubes. This always seems to work best on people who are uptight or take life way too seriously. To anal retentives everywhere: I am looking for you…..