like myself

I feel that I have made a little progress since making this goal. There were some key areas that I addressed when I defined this goal. I have made progress on these parts:

• “Explore self-help books, podcasts, and other resources.”
  —-I have been listening to the iProcrastinate Podcasts and they are so great. Some of the early ones have shitty audio, but the audio improves and the topics are great. I have been putting some of what I am learning into practice, but I need to be more diligent.

• “Get rid of the environmental things that make me feel gross, make me sad, make me want to stay in. Don’t let the apartment get to be a wreck and stay in my pajamas for three days and then sit there feeling sorry for myself. Keep it nice and clean and uncluttered. Put important quotes and photos and reminders in my room that keep me focused, make me happy, and spur me to action.”
  —-I just did a lot of organizing and I am very close to having everything put away and all the extra crap gone. The other night I put up a collage that has pictures of some of my most inspirational famous people, favorite cartoons, awesome photos, and happy memories. I like it.

So, that’s some progress, but I expect to make a lot more soon because I got a new job! Starting tomorrow I will be working for a nonprofit organization that I think is really great and that is working on really important environmental issues. I am so surprised to find myself with a good job that I am excited about. This is going to help me to approach life so much more openly and joyfully. Also, because I am now a representative of this organization, even when not working, I feel more accountable and a much greater incentive to live an energetic life with high values and ideals. I can’t be a hypocrite and I need to lead by example.

So far, I have been coming to this site and updating my goal progress when I felt like it and when I had something to say, but I feel I need to be more attentive than that. I have a tendency to become lazy and complacent and I really need to fight that. I feel like I have done a really good job of defining each of my goals and giving them a timeline. To make sure I am achieving my goals and following the timelines, starting tomorrow (my first day of work!), I am going to start visiting this site daily to review my goals and make sure I am on track. I might miss a day here and there, but daily is the goal. I might not always have something to post, but I need to at least review my goals, note where I’m succeeding and where I need to work harder, and recommit myself. So sick of breaking the promises I make to myself.

Ah, this subject is kind of weird to talk about because I frequently have thoughts like, what is Self? There is no True Self. But let me try to talk about self with a small “s” please.

I have been reading over the entries of some other people with this goal, and it seems like there are kind of three different approaches being taken.

The first is Accepting. Accepting ourselves for who we are, each of us appreciating our own unique qualities and coming to terms with our faults. Well, I think that sounds alright and I certainly think it’s important to have some self-acceptance, but that doesn’t get at the heart of what I want to do. Now, if I really loathed the fact that I am tall or something I would focus more on Accepting, but that is not the case.

The second is Maturing. We grow up, we have experiences, we learn things, and we slowly become more comfortable in our own skin. Good stuff. Learning from experience is important. Realizing what really matters is great. Emotionally, I feel much more mature than I did five years ago, or even a year ago. I hope that I continue to have emotional growth. But this too does not really speak to what I hope to accomplish.

Finally, there is Changing. I want to change! Yes, part of the reason I don’t like myself has to do with shaky emotional issues that I hope to resolve through an Accepting and Maturing approach, but for the most part, I have good reason not to like myself. And this isn’t a “Boo-hoo, I’m so stupid, I’m so ugly, I’m so untalented” self-pity cry fest (though I have had those from time to time). This is just the honest recognition that there are parts of myself that I don’t like and I would rather change them than accept them.

I have a picture of myself in my head. In that picture I am really smart and well-informed, I am beautiful and strong inside and out, I am exceptionally kind, outgoing, adventurous, brave, and fun. I have traveled to interesting places and done and seen interesting things with cool and interesting people. I am outrageous, but in a good way. I don’t let people get me down and I don’t get other people down. I am actively engaged in improving my community and the world. I read lots of good books and see lots of good movies and listen to lots of good music. I always listen to the news and I’m good at current events and politics and history. I have interesting things to say, but I don’t talk too much. I ask lots of questions and listen to what people say. I am super independent and I don’t need lots of approval or reassurance. I am principled, ethical, and opinionated without being dogmatic or bull-headed. In short, I am awesome.

Well, needless to say, that is my ideal self, and my actual self doesn’t always measure up. I accept that I may not be everything I always hoped for, but I can at least be some of it. As of now, I have been so emotionally down and spinning my wheels for such a long time that I am hardly any of those things I named. I bore myself, so I can’t imagine how I must come across to others. I am disappointed by the disparity between my imagined self and my actual self and now is the time that I start to change that.

Here is my plan:

• Get Therapy: Address issues of self-acceptance and emotional maturity, but also to obtain the strength and the tools to live the life I wish I was leading – to overcome fear and let go of regret so I can move forward. Learn techniques for mindfulness, being present, and being open to experience.

• Explore self-help books, podcasts, and other resources.

• Willfully use the techniques I learn through therapy and self-help resources.

• Purposefully enter a state of mindfulness and openness each morning, refocusing as needed throughout the day.

• Make a list of interests, things I’m curious about, and things to do in my city. Read from the list and choose something from it when I feel sad, bored, or afraid to go out in public. Joyfully pursue the things on the list and anything else that pops up. Lust for life!

• Don’t talk about the past as much. To my therapist, of course, to close friends as part of the natural bonding process, sure. But other than that, I should clam up a bit. I am not happy with my past and it embarrasses me, so I am not sure why I so frequently bring it up to acquaintances and people I am just starting to get to know. Live in the Now! (Every time I say that I think of Garth saying it in Wayne’s World. Am I the only one?)

• Get rid of the environmental things that make me feel gross, make me sad, make me want to stay in. Don’t let the apartment get to be a wreck and stay in my pajamas for three days and then sit there feeling sorry for myself. Keep it nice and clean and uncluttered. Put important quotes and photos and reminders in my room that keep me focused, make me happy, and spur me to action.

• Do all of these things for one year. If I can do these things, feel better about myself, and be consistent for a year, then I will say that the new habits are established and that I have accomplished this goal.

Learning that my word is law, and that if I say I will do something, I must follow through with it or else it broadcasts that I’m not a person who says what they mean and means what they say, and that I am unreliable. This makes me honourable.

Also, changing gradually the things about myself that I want and need to change to be a better person. Getting comfortable being in my own skin, and learning to say nice things about myself. Changing internal self-dialogue is pivotal.

i need to like my curly fucking hair

self-explanatory

...its hard to be objective, but I hope that as my time on Earth progesses, that I can learn to accept and like myself. -Even if nobody else can.

After taking much better care of myself (which is also one of my Things) I feel so much better and DO like myself much better. Giving myself the time of day makes me like myself better. I walk taller and look people in the eye…... I am happy with my progress!!! Going to leave it on for another week… so check back for updates!!! ;)

Making an effort to look really good before I leave the house…. has made a huge difference. Tonight I was really tired and just wanted to take a shower and get into bed, to hell with all the details, but i didnt. I did the whole routine. The skin care, the creaming etc. I feel so much better!!!! I could actually look into the mirror tody and say “I LOOK PRETTY! I LIKE MYSELF!!!!” and it felt fantastic. Complement do help too… giggle

8 MARCH 2009

Yep, I have gained a lot of weight! Cant stand the way I look and unfortunately that has made me dislike who I am, because I let myself get this way…. I constantly have to remind myself that life is NOT just about how you look, but about who you are and what contributions we make in life. I am a good person. I have to learn to look at my positive attributes, instead of always JUST look at the negatives!

I have had people tell me how gorgeous I am, but I cant see it or dont see it when I look into a mirror. I believe they see my soul! I wish I COULD look in a mirror and like who I see. Somedays I can say, “Ah you not that bad” and other days I say “Are you kidding? You are hideous!”

Any advice would be nice! To change my distorted image of myself.

I definately love myself, but i don’t like certain things about myself. Is it possible to love yourself but not like yourself? If that makes since at all, that is where I’m at. Example, I know I am a very caring, trusting, nurturing and beautiful person. I actually believe that, so in that case, i love myself. Now, i procrastinate, cant keep control of my finances, addicted to nicotine and accepting a stupid relationship, so for that i don’t like myself. Now this is what I’m doing, I am concentrating on what i love about myself and that is giving me motivation to make the changes I need in order to like myself, thus, I’m getting there? Does that make since? well it does to me…somewhat :)