This has been one crazy week!
A lot of crying, more stress than I have ever experienced before in one stretch of a week. But I am about 99% sure on the decision that I have made.
I will try to explain this in the simplest terms… here we go:
Over the course of this week, it has slowly but progressively hit me that I will probably not be able to attend the University of Oregon this year, due to the fact that I am unable to secure a student loan.
And that smiley doesn’t really encompass any emotion near to the level I’ve felt this week. I’ve barely eaten in the past three days. I feel as if this was intentional. With every call I’ve made to financial aid offices, banks, credit card companies, admissions counselors… each phone call has left me feeling more and more hopeless. I kept getting answers but I didn’t like them at all. Controlling my food intake was the only thing I felt I could control at that point. And ever since my eating disorder years, I still feel like I don’t really deserve food or nutrients or even my health on the days where things don’t go right.
And then there was Tuesday, where I had a nervous breakdown in the bathroom of the financial aid building on my current campus. I cried to my mom on the phone for over an hour. And then I hung up and cried more and then I waited another hour or so until my face wasn’t so puffy that I could exit and walk across campus without people asking me if I was okay.
I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Realising, thinking, agony.
And so, here is my plan. If you’re still reading this post, congrats on getting through that mess that I just typed:
I am going to withdraw from my current university.
Then I’m going to get my job back at the restaurant.
I will work there until I have made the calculated necessary funds of $5,250. Depending on how many hours I’ll be scheduled to work, I could leave as early as this December or as late as next April.
Then, I will move to Oregon by myself.
I will find an apartment.
I will have to get a job. Or maybe two.
I will live there for at least 12 months to establish residency in Oregon.
Then, I will reapply to the University of Oregon as an in-state resident.
My last conversation with the admissions department at the U of O made me extremely confident in this decision. I asked what my options were, and they actually said that this is a common situation for students; many people have to decline their admission offer because out of state tuition is a BITCH.
There is an actual program at the university called the Residency Program, which more or less involves the exact steps I have just highlighted.
And then I asked if I declined their offer of admission, and I reapplied later on, would my initial decline have any negative impact on a future admission decision?
And the lady assured me, nope! She said as long as I still meet all the requirements when I reapply, I shouldn’t have any problems. That they don’t hold any grudges against students who decline offers. Everyone’s situation is different and they get that.
So this is me being positive and persistent.
The only risk is this: There is NO guarantee that I will find work in Oregon. A job is the glue for this plan to not fall apart. But I know that if I actually save up this money and I actually fly all the fucking way to the west coast and this actually happens, then I really can conquer a job interview. Or three, or twelve.
I called my mom today and told her about my plan. She wasn’t as near as enthusiastic about this as anyone on campus that I’ve discussed this with. My sister thinks it’s a horrible idea. But I can’t just sit on my ass and let outside forces control my future.
And I won’t.
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
I still have to call the school back, as I still have a few questions. Declining their admission offer is going to SUCK. That is the last thing I want to do. But my plan is so much more exciting and I know I can do it.
:) 1 week ago