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find at least one thing each day that makes me happy and record it every day for a year

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candiedsky14 April 2014

I took my biology test today – I thought I failed miserably but it turns out I got a 68.

My average right now is a 70 though. I’m right there on the verge of barely acceptable.

My lab grade should bump up my overall grade like 10 points, so I’m not too worried.

I have one more test in biology and them I’m done.

Today was also the day that I declined my admission offer for UO. I can’t believe I just said that.

But that isn’t a statement of giving up. The fact that I was physically able to do that means that the dream is still alive. I can’t say I’m alright. But I’m getting there.

:) 4 days ago


candiedsky13 April 2014

I went over to Angel Face’s apartment today so we could study for our biology test. That was our intention, and Micki was there too and Brent showed up.

Eventually we went outside, started a fire in his fire pit, and then had a beer chugging contest. Angel Face left at some point to go buy marshmallows and we roasted them by the fire. I didn’t eat any because of the gelatin, but it was fun.

We partied until ten pm. Micki was nice enough to give me a ride back to my dorm. Good thing too; I was so drunk and high I was stumbling up the steps; mixing alcohol and marijuana isn’t the best idea as I’ve learned. But it was so much fun.

:) 4 days ago


candiedsky12 April 2014

Everyone I have talked to about my plan has been overwhelmingly supportive. Which is a huge relief. I would hate for someone to try to talk me out of it. I won’t let that happen.

I went to a health food store today. And a little girl ran up to me once she saw I was wearing a hoodie with the words “Oregon Ducks” and she shouted “Yay Oregon! I love you so much!” and she ran up to me and hugged me and said she was from Oregon.

That basically made my day.

:) 5 days ago


candiedsky11 April 2014

This has been one crazy week!

A lot of crying, more stress than I have ever experienced before in one stretch of a week. But I am about 99% sure on the decision that I have made.

I will try to explain this in the simplest terms… here we go:

Over the course of this week, it has slowly but progressively hit me that I will probably not be able to attend the University of Oregon this year, due to the fact that I am unable to secure a student loan.

:(

And that smiley doesn’t really encompass any emotion near to the level I’ve felt this week. I’ve barely eaten in the past three days. I feel as if this was intentional. With every call I’ve made to financial aid offices, banks, credit card companies, admissions counselors… each phone call has left me feeling more and more hopeless. I kept getting answers but I didn’t like them at all. Controlling my food intake was the only thing I felt I could control at that point. And ever since my eating disorder years, I still feel like I don’t really deserve food or nutrients or even my health on the days where things don’t go right.

And then there was Tuesday, where I had a nervous breakdown in the bathroom of the financial aid building on my current campus. I cried to my mom on the phone for over an hour. And then I hung up and cried more and then I waited another hour or so until my face wasn’t so puffy that I could exit and walk across campus without people asking me if I was okay.

I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Realising, thinking, agony.

And so, here is my plan. If you’re still reading this post, congrats on getting through that mess that I just typed:

I am going to withdraw from my current university.
Then I’m going to get my job back at the restaurant.
I will work there until I have made the calculated necessary funds of $5,250. Depending on how many hours I’ll be scheduled to work, I could leave as early as this December or as late as next April.
Then, I will move to Oregon by myself.
I will find an apartment.
I will have to get a job. Or maybe two.
I will live there for at least 12 months to establish residency in Oregon.
Then, I will reapply to the University of Oregon as an in-state resident.

My last conversation with the admissions department at the U of O made me extremely confident in this decision. I asked what my options were, and they actually said that this is a common situation for students; many people have to decline their admission offer because out of state tuition is a BITCH.

There is an actual program at the university called the Residency Program, which more or less involves the exact steps I have just highlighted.

And then I asked if I declined their offer of admission, and I reapplied later on, would my initial decline have any negative impact on a future admission decision?

And the lady assured me, nope! She said as long as I still meet all the requirements when I reapply, I shouldn’t have any problems. That they don’t hold any grudges against students who decline offers. Everyone’s situation is different and they get that.

So this is me being positive and persistent.

The only risk is this: There is NO guarantee that I will find work in Oregon. A job is the glue for this plan to not fall apart. But I know that if I actually save up this money and I actually fly all the fucking way to the west coast and this actually happens, then I really can conquer a job interview. Or three, or twelve.

I called my mom today and told her about my plan. She wasn’t as near as enthusiastic about this as anyone on campus that I’ve discussed this with. My sister thinks it’s a horrible idea. But I can’t just sit on my ass and let outside forces control my future.

And I won’t.

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
-Erica Jong

I still have to call the school back, as I still have a few questions. Declining their admission offer is going to SUCK. That is the last thing I want to do. But my plan is so much more exciting and I know I can do it.

:) 1 week ago


candiedsky10 April 2014

Okay, so today I had my last day of biology lab! I am so glad it’s over. I just have one more day where I go and the guy gives a lecture and then there’s a quiz and I think we can just leave after that.

And I’ve been talking to a lot of people about my financial rut. I’ve explained my situation and surprisingly, everyone has been really supportive. Everyone is telling me to go after this. And this requires me to make some sad decisions but they need to be made in order for me to be able to actually live out my dream, just a little later than I’ve been hoping. And my life revolves around waiting already so I am well used to it.

”:)” 1 week ago


candiedsky9 April 2014

  • Woop my older sister turned 21 today! Happy birthday 2 her
  • I still am drowning in doubt and fear and stress about my financial situation. But I’ve got time and internet access and my mind and my thoughts and plans. And that can get me far, I bet.
  • I took two tests today; nutrition and french. I know I passed my nutrition test, but I never fucking know about my French scores because these tests are insane. Awful, horrible, unlike anything I’ve ever seen. You can study for three weeks straight and you’re still bound to be confronted with a few questions that make ZERO SENSE.
  • Angel Face couldn’t make it to class today – Brent tells me both him and his girlfriend had strep throat… anyway he texted me and said he wouldn’t be able to make it to class, and that he would miss me. He said to send his regards to our group of friends in biology class.
  • I really need to just rant and vent, I’ve been crying a lot lately and it’s not helping I still feel dead and I just need answers.

”:)” 1 week ago


candiedsky8 April 2014

I won’t lie. Today SUCKED. I called several banks, financial aid at the U of O… a lot of phone calls to various loan lenders and so on and I feel really hopeless.

I get in to my dream school, and now there’s a very real chance that I won’t be able to attend because I probably won’t be approved for a loan.

I am trying to stay calm but I pretty much had a series of mental breakdowns today that left me crying in the bathroom of the Financial Aid department bathroom at my current college for over an hour. I called my mom and she wasn’t helpful at all.

I don’t know what to do. The only thing keeping me from absolutely giving up is the fact that I haven’t applied for a single loan yet. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I also don’t know if I will win any scholarships either. I’ve been applying for them almost all day.

I am so stressed out and I am trying to stay calm and positive but this is the most ridiculous situation to be in.

For now, I will have to resort back to putting quotations around the smiley at the end of this post to suggest that, yeah, I should be happy, but there’s so much going on that could be potentially devastating to me. I am lost and I feel like there isn’t an answer.

”:)” 1 week ago


candiedsky7 April 2014

So apparently my acceptance letter arrived in the mail back at home. That made me so excited.

But I’m still fucking nervous about financial aid.

I need this to work.

:) 1 week ago


candiedsky6 April 2014

Today was basically me working on my French assignments and then I went to see Acapocalypse, basically an A Capella competition at Legends. I went with Brittney, Courtney, and Bun. I saw a boy named Luke who I went to middle school with. I didn’t say anything to him and I doubt he recognised me but it was nice to see him.

I had fun.

:) 1 week ago


candiedsky5 April 2014

I literally spent the entire day on my nutrition assignment. I finished it, luckily. This is a step in the right direction. I cannot and will NOT get into a slacking mindset and fuck up everything I’ve done for myself.

I feel good about this.

:) 1 week ago


candiedsky4 April 2014

I took today as a day to celebrate yesterday.

  • I wore my Oregon hoodie to all my classes (biology class was cancelled today but still)
  • My knee feels a lot better! I went to my second or third electrotherapy session at the injury clinic
  • I called the University of Oregon to ask when my tuition deposit was due. They said by the first of May!
  • I bought a bottle of pink lemonade and drank it during sociology class
  • Then I ordered cookies from the cookie company on campus (5 vegan cookies! Huge ones!)
  • I ate them all and reveled in the pure greasiness of them. Delicious
  • Then I went to Earth Fare and bought a vegan pizza – I heated it up in the oven in the downstairs lobby, and then I ate it while watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Last night was the best sleep I’ve gotten in over a year. This morning was the first time I’ve ever woken up completely confident in what direction my life is going.

I am just so incredibly happy. This is pure joy.

:) 1 week ago


candiedsky3 April 2014

I might as well just say it now. Today was history. Today was the best day of my life.

I woke up having actually planned a crying session, but my roommate decided she didn’t want to go to her 8 am class, and I wasn’t about to just start sobbing while she was in the room, so I decided to repress my emotions and go to the store instead. I took a shuttle to this cool health food store a few miles away – I bought a few things and was delighted to find that this place sells Vega smoothie packets. I bought one of each flavour (among other things), and then I went to the Goodwill. I found two shirts worth buying and I am proud of myself for not buying anything that didn’t exactly fit me now. I am done with buying things that would only look good on me if I lost weight. That is a shitty way to live and is a major source of self hatred.

I took the shuttle back to campus, then I went to biology lab. We listened to old 80s and 90s hits while looking at DNA from onion samples.

So then, later on, it happened.

I was sitting at my desk, and randomly decided to check my application status online.

Holy shit.

Holy.

Shit.

I refreshed the page about 6 times before calling my mom and telling her that I just got accepted as a transfer student to my dream school.

I’m still in shock.

I was crying. The tears came naturally. I had planned on watching sad Youtube videos as some sort of cathartic thing to induce tears. But that was totally unnecessary today.

Later on I went up to the seventh floor and told my friends that I had gotten in.

It is absolutely insane what just happened. I’ve been refreshing the page again and again and again just to make sure the school hasn’t changed their minds.

I may not yet be done with this college, but I sure as hell know that I can finish strong.

This was by far the best day of my life. When I woke up this morning, I never would’ve guessed that. Not in a million years.

:)2 weeks ago


candiedsky2 April 2014

Today was pretty wild. My knee pain has gotten to the point that ten minutes into my run this morning, I had to stop. So I went to health services this morning and the doctor thinks I tore my meniscus. Damn. So no running for the next 1 to 2 weeks. The only good thing about this is that I get to sleep in a little more each morning. I was prescribed an anti-inflammatory for my knee – I just hope this rest does more harm than good. My race is still in May.
Biology class was kind of weird – Angel Face didn’t really say anything to me all class. What made me sad in an immature way was when Micki said to him “Hey, you texted me first, not the other way around!” and he laughed. He has never texted me first. But then again maybe I’m missing something. At the end of class, he goes, “Valerie, Micki, I’m gonna miss you on Friday,” as our Friday lecture was cancelled. I forgot what Micki said, but I said “Yeah, I’ll miss you too,” and I don’t think he heard me but then I said have a fun Friday and he said “I guess I’ll see you on Monday,” and he looked down. I don’t know why this always happens but I get the feeling that I make people really uncomfortable. I don’t know how not to do that.
But why was today awesome? After that confusing, depressing tidbit of conversation, I get back to my dorm and I check my email. The University of Oregon has finally evaluated my first semester grades. The verdict?
All my credits from first semester will transfer (if I get accepted)!!!!!!!
Every single one. Even the D+ I received in chemistry. This was so exciting. I got an email telling me about it, and it actually said sternly, “if you are an applicant for admission, this evaluation does not imply that an admission decision has been made.”
Scary but I need to keep my head straight. I still have to pull off nice grades this semester. That is a given.
I think the order in which things took place today was oddly significant. I was sad about Angel Face and the lack of conversation. But then I was reminded almost immediately afterwards of my main goal: Oregon.

:) 2 weeks ago


candiedsky1 April 2014

Bullets today because I’m a bit short on time
• I had a track session today – the stadium lights were on but I was allowed to use the track because barely anyone was using it, except for soccer drills
• I went to Harris Teeter today and bought some groceries. I can’t contain my love for bread
• I met a nice girl named Katie who is also a freshman at ASU. We got off at the same stop and walked to the store. She’s an interior design major and that’s pretty cool.
• I am sitting at my desk right now, listening to Feist and it’s one of those cool moments where I feel like I can do everything even though I’m not doing anything.
  • As the bus was passing by a certain sidewalk, I saw Angel Face. He looked completely lost but so attractive.

:) 2 weeks ago


candiedsky31 March 2014

Today was nice because I wore my Amish looking dress and I got a few compliments on it. In biology class, Angel Face said what’s up to me when I entered the room, and I said hey back. Our group talked about starting an Amish mafia. In a barn somewhere, and then we were talking about that Amish mafia show and I still don’t know if it’s fake or not. Then Angel Face asked if I liked the extremely short, tight spandex shorts he wore to the sushi party. I said I did a double take and then was like “Okay.”

I agreed to be the assistant to the ambassador of our amish mafia group. I like biology because we always talk about the weirdest shit in there. I like weird. I am weird. Weird talk embodies me.

Then class ended and Angel Face said “have a good day, Valerie” and I said you too. The way he said it made me think I might have looked sad. I don’t know how I appear to other people but I have a great tendency to overanalyse things people say to me so I’m just going to assume he wanted me to have a good day. That’s all.

My run this morning was incredible! 30 minutes of easy running, and I did everything I said I would. This is a great start.

:) 2 weeks ago


candiedsky30 March 2014

Another day of mostly sleeping in, Breaking Bad, catching up on assignments and so on.

I finished my second essay for English and it’s actually okay for how long it took me to do it.

:) 2 weeks ago


candiedsky29 March 2014

I spent today smartly; I got so much stuff done! I finished my alternative homework assignment for my nutrition class, and a bunch of other things. It is so rewarding to get stuff done. I also got a lot of Breaking Bad finished – I am almost done with season 2 right now.

At one point I was eating ramen noodles with an episode of Breaking Bad and I just felt so American and lazy. This sounds like a diss but I was laughing. I felt like a college student. I’ve been having a lot of moments like that lately. My reality is catching up with me.

:) 2 weeks ago


candiedsky28 March 2014

Friday. Friday. Friday.

After all my classes today, a girl who lives next to me named Mallory gave me a cookie. She ordered them from the cookie company on campus – they sell vegan ones. I was almost brought to tears (unfortunately I didn’t cry) because it was so nice. Then I later watched Pokémon with some people on the seventh floor and then watched Mary Poppins with Brittany, Courtney, and Bun.

Also! We watched exorcism videos in sociology class. I was one of maybe four people who were laughing at them.

I had a long day and it was well spent.

:) 2 weeks ago


candiedsky27 March 2014

Biology lab was actually kind of fun today. I worked with Micki and she blasted Hillary Duff in the hallway as we were working. She told me about a creepy guy who came over to her apartment and she said she got a rape-y vibe from him. He’s in our biology class.

I started making a running plan also. It’s not going to be just 21 days straight – I changed it to 31.

My running has been abysmal lately. Something’s wrong. It’s not a physical problem but completely mental. I have felt like crying every single day for about 4 or 5 weeks now. But I can’t actually cry. It’s weird.

I’m just glad biology lab is only continuing for like 3 more weeks. I cannot wait for it to end.

:) 2 weeks ago


candiedsky26 March 2014

It was snowing when I woke up so I checked my phone and classes before 10 am were cancelled. This was such great news. I wasn’t exactly prepared for my nutrition class this morning.

I didn’t go to sociology or biology today. I’m not sure why but when I got to the bench outside of the biology lecture room, I sat down and decided to call the U of O office of admissions. Turns out they received my transcripts a long time ago and they just haven’t evaluated them yet.

This wasn’t even that big of news but I ended up walking back to my dorm and sitting on my bed so I could think about it. Micki texted me and asked if I was coming to class and I lied; I said I had a migraine.

I drank a sample of a tea brand called Pukka and picked out class ideas for next semester (if I have to keep going here). I meet with my advisor tomorrow. Last time I wasn’t prepared so I had to reschedule the appointment.

:) 3 weeks ago


candiedsky25 March 2014

I went to Earth Fare today and bought coconut milk ice cream, coconut milk yogurt, a bottle of coffee and then some recovery accelerator stuff for whenever.

I am really getting into Breaking Bad. I finished season 1 today. It really makes you wonder how long Walter White can keep this a secret.

But no classes today because Tuesdays are just for that and I needed a day of laziness.

:) 3 weeks ago


candiedsky24 March 2014

I took two tests today – Nutrition and French. I’m not sure if I even passed my nutrition test, but I feel pretty good about my French test.

Then, we watched a bullshit video in sociology about how sociologists believe that mental disorders don’t really exist. I’d like to see someone try to tell me that my mind is a clean slate. Hah.

Biology class – yeah. I got there a little early and Micki was sitting on the bench with Angel Face and Brent. Micki was talking about some scary thing – she got caught illegally downloading music or something.

Angel Face looked good as always. His hair is still blonde. During the lecture, he made an origami balloon (at one point he blew air into it and it made a loud sound and we turned around and looked at him and the entire row was stifling laughter). Then he nudged the balloon onto our row, and me and Micki turned around and said, weirdly, “thank you…” and he looked really proud of himself. At the end of class Micki tried to give it back to him, and Angel Face goes “I don’t want it, I made it for you!” and so Micki laughed and gave it to me. He had written the word ‘balloon’ on it in pencil. Then I asked Brent and Angel Face if they were going to the recitation thing tomorrow, and Brent said he had band practice or something, but Angel Face said he was going. Micki’s going too! I can’t wait to see them tomorrow.

I briefly hung out in Shania’s room with Courtney. I like them. I saw Brittney too.

I start my running streak tomorrow and I can taste the sweat already. That’s probably a weird analogy but it will work.

:) 3 weeks ago


candiedsky23 March 2014

I watched two episodes of Breaking Bad today – I planned on only watching the pilot episode but clearly this show is too awesome to just watch one episode. I got the first page of my essay done and I feel good. Tired but good!
Also, a pretty girl complimented my Oregon hoodie. That made my day.

:) 3 weeks ago


candiedsky22 March 2014

Ahh, Saturday. I slept in until around 1:00 pm. I never sleep in this late at school but I needed this so badly. I spent most of my day in the futuristic building, working on my paper and other stuff. I can’t say every weekend will be exciting and risky. This was one of those necessary energy-draining days where all I did was computer work and lame college stuff. But isn’t that why I’m here?
I made a really good new running plan. It’s based off of time, not necessarily miles. I’m ready for this.

:) 3 weeks ago


candiedsky21 March 2014

I am so glad it’s Friday.

I slept in late so I didn’t go to my nutrition or French class.

I got several compliments on my dress today – two from strangers and one from Micki. She also complimented my shoes and I was, of course, wearing my oxford flats.

Angel Face got a really good grade on the test. I don’t think anyone sits to the left of him. I wish I could sit next to him but I like Micki so I shouldn’t complain about this. It’s relatively new.

He has such nice eyes and I feel alone.

I ended the day with a really nice yoga session. 30 sun salutations and then holding basic poses. Pigeon didn’t feel like it usually does – this calls for more yoga.

:) 3 weeks ago


candiedsky20 March 2014

Thursday!!! I ran 4 miles tonight. I am getting back into running without music. It’s going okay, actually.

Biology lab was super easy – we got out an hour early and I just sat on my bed and listened to music and felt the laziness seep in.

I am really struggling with motivation right now. Right when it matters. This is a good metaphor for running. The last mile is there and you just have to run it and not shut down. That’s all.

:) 3 weeks ago


candiedsky19 March 2014

French class only had 3 other people in it today – I’m glad that I’m not the only person who hates that class!

I wore my white heart cutout dress and totally failed my biology midterm. But that’s alright – I just need to make at least a 90 on the next two tests and I’ll have a B.

Before the test I fist-bumped Angel Face, Micki, and Brent. A good luck thing I guess but it didn’t make up for the lack of understanding.

I had a hectic day, just glad it’s over.

:) 3 weeks ago


pauliemyers 4 weeks ago


candiedsky18 March 2014

What a day!!

I went to the library to study for the biology test tomorrow – with Brent and Angel Face and a different girl from our class.

Angel Face arrived an hour later and sat next to me. He smelled like smoke and burritos and he wore his amazingly HOT glasses. He complimented my sun salutation water bottle, and then he said, “That’s why I’ve been doing yoga all these years, to prepare my body for cannibalism.” I laughed so hard.

Then we went off on a tangent about working out our ‘thylakoids’, and then he said “where’s my ass mallet?” in reference to his sore ass from the party on Sunday. It was one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever had and therefore involved a LOT of raucous laughter from our study group. Brent is so cool. He’s a fermentation science major and we were talking about how awesome Boone is.

Then, there was this redheaded guy … oh, man I’m laughing already… this guy was sitting behind us and he looked like Louis C.K. and I said hey Brent, do you know who Louis C.K. is? And he said yeah, and I said look at that guy behind us and tell me he doesn’t look like Louis C.K.! And everyone turned around and started staring at this guy and he got so mad that he slammed the door!

Then, Angel Face said he was going to that recitation thing for our recitation class and I said I think I’ll go too, and he said yeah, you should! By then we had been studying/procrastinating for a few hours so I got my stuff and left, said see you later to everyone.

Then, I walked to recitation a little later. Angel Face arrived afterwards. He sat right next to me and we leaned over and asked each other questions. He smelled like smoke still. It was comforting. He mentioned his girlfriend, which is, admittingly, disappointing. But he is so nice and friendly and cool.

We left around 9:30 and I told him I hoped his butt felt better and he laughed.

I keep thinking, if I had never told him I liked his hair, I never would’ve went to that party and I never would’ve had that cool experience and I never would’ve made these friendships.

I am such a square but it’s alright.

:) 4 weeks ago


candiedsky17 March 2014

Well, I woke up hungover but I’ve never had a hangover so let this be a memorable annual day to celebrate.

I partied hard last night. So this was expected.

In biology class, I told Angel Face that his party was great, and he smiled and said something but I forgot.

I can’t really focus in biology class when he sits behind me but that just means I’ll have to study a lot harder than I usually do.

Then, Brittney invited me to go to central with her and Courtney and Bun. I ate hummus with pita wedges and chocolate soy milk.

Also, Shania isn’t mad at me!!

:)
:) 4 weeks ago


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