cultivate relationships

and enjoying a tremendous wave of emotions over our reunion, i realized that even though Jo is gone, i managed to strengthen a number of other solid friendships. a door closes, and a window opens, so to speak…

A, although unreliable, is the friend every girl wants. B – well, I can see myself in her, i love her like i should have myself, years ago.

And N… it’s love, pure and simple, undeniable, inexplicable, crossing geographical, gender, and social boundaries.

And again, I curse fate for separating me from those my heart beats faster for.

I’ve just found out that one of my best friends (if not THE best), Joseph, passed away over the weekend. I meant to get together with him to celebrate his birthday since Jan 5… somehow it seemed that there was plenty of time, that it was OK to let other things take precedence.

Today I find out he’s gone and the only way I can see him physically is in the casket, provided I fly to Toronto…

I’m feeling sad, and happy for Jo at the same time. If it were up to me to deliver his eulogy, I’d be speaking of his amazing zest for life, his unmatched ability to seize the moment, his sense of humor that respected no authority… Jo was one to actually travel extensively, explore intellectually and passionately enjoy anything that he could. He is just about the only person I know that I can honestly say DARED TO LIVE.

I salute you, Jo! I know you didn’t believe in after-life… But I’m sure you’re making the most of what there is on the flip side.

(and sorry about that birthday dinner, maybe we can somehow catch up later, when I’m there too?)

my man is easy to be with, and he just kinda hangs around and smells good, looks cute, is generally helpful and quite smart and witty. not tough to cultivate a relationship with him.

actually, that relationship kinda blossoms on its own. i’d say it’s like a weed, because u don’t have to do much, and it just sort-of grows on its own. however, it would have to be a useful and pretty weed… maybe like an edible flower that smells very nice and its fragrance inspires you to be and do great things.

this goal is about my resolve to see the value of making an effort with other people.

the nature of the challenge is that a while back i found myself in a somewhat disastrous situation, and when seeking help from my numerous vast social circles i found nothing but disappointment.
networking, ladies and gentlemen, is a much over-hyped concept. (at this point i suspect that the reason the concept of networking is marketed so furiously is that it generates consumption that propels world’s economy.)

yes, here i am, once again a crazed conspiratorial theorist.

aaanyway, back to the subject. somehow, seemingly with the help of divine intervention, i managed to crawl out of the gaping ditch, but the bad taste of my disappointment still lingers.

if it were up to me, i’d just spend my time and energy engaging in human resources management that would provide maximum return on my investment. you know, if i were in need those individuals would definitely be there to do what needs to be done.
however, as my man has repeatedly explained and demonstrated on 3-party examples, people are just people. they are weak. they are lazy, they are not perfect.
and i am not perfect either.

in other words, i have been inspired to live and let live.

therefore i would like to forgive all those who turned out to be so useless (out of their human nature, nonetheless), and reconnect with them, at least with some of them.

So, about 80% of my contacts sometimes just don’t respond. Perhaps it’s a comment on my lack of interestingness or some general personality flaw.

It’s tough to say. At the moment, I’m feeling very aimless and embarassed for thinking that other people would want to follow through on friendships with me. That’s vague. Not exactly of the clearest mind at the moment.

I went to a grad school ball tonight. And like most of my relationship themes, I can’t begin conversations or sustain much interesting. If someone takes an active interest in me conversations are easier. I certainly have little confidence in my ability to maintain sophisticated, in depth conversations. I am pretty uncomfortably comfortable simply nodding to a lot.

I wish I could interact more and that I didn’t follow the poor friend standards I have now. So, as I’m walking about, I basically, get overwhelmed by the people to say hello to and ditch one for the other. I don’t know how to be in touch with several and leave regardless of the established connection.

I’m so wrapped up in myself. I’m not sure how to address any of this. It seems I’m caught like this.

The fall was pretty tough in several ways and I haven’t really had the emotional energy or savvy to figure out my relationship troubles.

The thing is I graduate in less than 6 months and I’d like to graduate with at least 3 good friends. I already have the usual acquaintances that I formed during my years of trying to make good impressions with stunts and humor that could only be explained by chaos theory, so I’m not sure what I have to work with. Not to mention that because of circumstances my social skills are rather rusty since I went through a terribly disilluioned and dispassionate phase of life.

Of course, the trick is that I’d like to change the way that I relate to people too so that my relationships are more balanced and I do not always become the listener or dull talker.

Is developing good friendships within this short time possible? How do I ensure that I strive for this goal (which is so hard to plan for anyways)?

Something I’m doing makes “friends” turn in the opposite direction.

I’m dull in several ways.

I can’t relate or be as active in my part of the relationship.

For now, I’ve tabled this goal because I need to care about developing relationships apart from my loneliness. I just have trouble ignoring the rampant pain that comes with my difficulty to be a more dynamic friend.

I guess, I could contemplate what role relationships play in my life so as to establish clearer values if not actual specific ideas on this matter.