Respect myself again.

no one can make this happen for me, except me.
It would be a lot easier to respect myself if I would stop myself when I know I’m about to screw up instead of ignoring that knowledge and moving forward with it anyway.
Related to my first thought, I need to stop looking to other people to find this one. It’s not like confidence, I can’t get it built up by someone else. It’s something within me that have to decide to let shine through. I have to live the way I know I should be living if I’m going to ever have any respect for myself. As long as I continue in the manner of last year, I will feel the same way about myself. If I change, and go back to the good stuff, and improve myself so that I’m even better off then I was then, my self-respect will greatly increase. I need to stop suppressing my inner strength and use it instead. I have been living a lie, lying to myself about myself. I am not weak, I am not as fragile as I like to think. I need to stop acting like I am. I’m also more intelligent then the choices I’ve made this past year would indicate. Too smart for my own good, that’s part of what got me into this mess (LONG story).
Anyway, rambling, typing what I think, not worrying about how put together it is or how much sense it makes to anyone else.

I’m slowly starting to have more self-respect again.
I got out of the bad relationship and am now in a really good one. He is an amazing person and is helping me in so many ways. I consider myself very lucky to have him. I’m coming back to God. So many things are starting to turn around. I still have crap to work on, I still have temptations that could send me back to where I was in an instant. But I am finally, and slowly, gaining some self-respect.

I know I have low self esteem. I’ve messed up so much lately. I’ve lost tons of self respect. I’m doing things I know are wrong. I’m in a relationship that’s only fostering the things I’ve been doing, yet I feel like I need it and don’t want to end it. I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done, yet I continue to do these things. The choices I’ve made make it feel impossible to have any respect for myself. I’ve never felt so far away from God. I’ve never felt less deserving of God. I’ve never had more inner conflict.

My self-respect fluctuates… but i find it so hard to respect myself, because all i do is screw up… and i feel so far away from God right now… which of course messes everything up.

it’s alot easier to respect yourself when other people respect you too… :)

the problem is my self-esteem. for as long as i can remember its been pretty low. and i’m pretty screwed up. but i don’t want it to be like that.