my greatest difficult challenge I must entertain daily in my life would positively benefit and be an inspiration to mankind

my heart is open..
my mind is open…
I am ready to heal.

....... imagine when you are running and running, and you reach the crest of a hill? You are numb in the mind and body from emotional and physical exhaustion? Do not give up! You have reached the top! Now even with wobbly legs , you need to get that extra ummpphh and keep going, because I truly believe, if you don’t give up, and you keep your mind and heart open, you will reach your goal.You will find in the end, it will be so easy compared to all what you have already been through. You are so close to finding the truth in your illness, take a deep breath, go to sleep….be well.
I am SO close.

i really miss everyone here at 43things..it has been a difficult journey as of late. I had to go against one of my greatest convictions- to honor my body. I purposefully had to sabatoge my well-being to “prove” to the medical community that something is truly wrong with me. I had to prove to them that I was having seisures and major neurological difficulties due to what I was eating. I had created a special diet for myself years ago. This diet kept away all symptoms,Although I knew something else unexplainable was underlying my illness. In going against my convictions and removing myself from my diet,I finally have validation. It is the worst feeling in my entire life to know that I had to disrespect my body and my mind in order to have acceptence from others with a title. I just hope that I have not recieved further neurological damage in gaining their respect. Now they are willing to do the testing I have so long begged for. I have had doors open for me with my medical challenges so I hope in the coming weeks I will be able to make this goal come true….
reverie

we are yet to meet again..
so far you have been my friend, my close companion,reassuring me each time that everything is ok..
many people say they do not enjoy your company. I?
I welcome you. You allow me to see deep inside my mind. With each change of sounds as you surround me, I go yet deeper inside of me a place noone else can go. It is like a meditation unlocking that depth of me, so mysterious and unique.
I have yet to see your face, my friend. For as I am claustrophobic, I have chosen to allow you to remain a mystery. I close my eyes and give you all my trust before I enter the room. I feel your presence. I hear the warm hum , a contrast to the cold tile beneath my feet. It is very quiet, but soon the music shall begin to play as we initiate the dance.
My friend Robert joins us in the song as his voice harmonizes with yours to lull me away..
I now venture deep within me, a calming restful peace flows through me as the warm air gently surrounds my every feature. Time is but a distant memory.

http://www.cleaversmithandswenson.com/
http://www.itsthemusic.com/
my dear friend and dance companion, Robert, who can make me smile just by entering the room..

BEANNACHT

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.
And when your eyes
freeze behind
the gray window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may the flock of colors,
indigo,red,green
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the curach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of the light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

Poem from ANAM CARA by John O’Donahue
Author of “Anam Cara” and “Beauty”
...may I have the chance to meet Mr. O’Donahue one day…

I miss “me”...
...i miss the hours spent away in my sunroom with the doors flung open to the beautiful gardens in the sultry summer afternoons, time spent writing …the air transfused with the sweet scent of honeysuckle, lavender, and figs and the sounds of ethereal music..,
...the dewy mornings spent knees sunk into the moist rich earth , my hands at play planting flowers and musing at the dance of the hummingbirds ..the bubbles rising to the pond’s surface, mesmerising…
...the feel of the cold stone under my feet as I sit on the terrace after a refreshing cool shower ,enjoying the taste of sweet succulent cantalope wrapped in wafer thin prochutto and a glass of lambrusco to revive me after a sunrise walk and working in the garden..
..i miss the lightness under my feet as I dance
..i miss sitting next to the warm crackling fire on cold dark wintry nights, reading Anna Karinina..
...and racing the children up the stairs to their beds in the evenings, running through the hallways, acting the part of the scary monster,... watching them slowly succumbing to sleep , embracing the end of the day in laughter

...she didn’t bail on me…she quietly and gracefully bowed out.
she began to sail in unchartered territory, and became afraid. If only she would have known that if she would have just hung on with me…if only she had the courage to call out to others to help us.

“He is the best physician who is the most ingenious inspirer of hope.”
—Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I sat down and cried last night. I cried because after 3 years of research and endless reading and work, I finally have a doctor who is willing to back me in my belief of what is wrong with me. She told me YES! yes we will do these tests, I think you are on to something…this is the first time that I have ever had a doctor stand behind me 100%...to use all of her knowledge and be OPEN-MINDED….she is willing to question things, to set her PRIDE aside, to take the TIME to LISTEN to me and to not belittle my knowledge in what I have researched in my struggle with my SJS and the water poisoning…she believes I may be on to what actually is causing me to yet again stop my dancing, my hiking, my everyday freedoms, the things that bring me JOY. Even if it doesn’t pan out, well, maybe I will have taught her something which may help someone else…there’s got to be something good in all this, isn’t there?
It feels good to not be alone in this anymore, but I still have the FEAR that perhaps she may bail out on me, ..everyone else has so far.

“The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created—created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination.”

- John Schaar