be a better mother

Will write later…

good god, who knew being a mother to adult children would be so hard?

So 2 months later, I’m still fighting to help my 5 yr old. He has been in the hospital for 7 1/2 weeks now. :-( We have to tranfer him to another hospital tomorrow morning to have and MRI done, then take him back to the home hospital. Which, by the way is an hour and 15 min from my home. I’ve been living in 2 places, but mostly on the highway for the past 2 months…and I’m exhausted. Please continue prayers for my baby boy, Conner. I want so dearly for him to get healthy and come home.

I don’t work and i am all day whit my 4 year old son but i don’t think i do too much to make him really happy, i fit him, i keep him clean, i play whit him, i talk whit him…all the basic things a mother need to do. But i don’t think that is enough. I feel so selfish sometimes, cuz we don’t do too much of the stuff he like to do, i am lazy and shy and i don’t like to go too much outdoors. But i want to change that and make my son trully happy and healthy. Make his life exiting, full of happy memories and knowledge and be a good example for him.

simple things such as cooking A fresh vegies and actually making dinner every night and taking a for walks everyday

I’ve been working so hard on this. If you read my entries, you know that I have 2 sons who are disabled.

Lucus is age 10. He has the following as of his last assessment 5/2009: ADHD, Bipolar, Expressive Language Disorder, Anxiety, Tourette Syndrome, Oppositional Defiance, Aspergers Syndrome.

Conner is age 5. He has the following as of HIS last assessment 5/2009: Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Bipolar….
(I don’t agree with this assessment by the way.)

Thursday, May 14, Luke had a HUGE melt-down at school. He shoved 2 desks into a 3rd desk that a kid was sitting at and hurt the kid. He threw a chair across the room and tried to leave school grounds. His teacher was able to keep him on the property by threatening to have him arrested. Had he tried to leave again, she would have had to have him arrested. Instead, she called me before it got that far.
I got to the school and so did his community support worker. After 3 hours of trying to calm him down and assess, we decided he needed to be hospitalized.

Friday, May 15, Conner had an initial psychiatry appt. After 2 yrs of trying behavior modification techniques and moving him from daycare to a day treatment facility, I was having to have him put on meds for his illnesses. At the appointment, he had to be restrained as he was trying to hurt people in the waiting room…His community support worker restrained him and when the doc came out to call us back, he broke free and broke his support worker’s nose. The doc restrained him and said he needed to be hospitalized. So…3 hours later, we finished the crisis intake and found him a bed at a hospital.

Both of my sons were hospitalized for around a week.
During their hospitalization, Conner’s teacher called me and said that that Thursday, he told her that my younger brother (age 15) had molested him and Luke.

I’ve been fighting diligently for so long it seems, to protect these kids and get them the medical help they need.

I’ve fought teachers who have called child services on me for “improper supervision.” I aparently didn’t supervise them well enough because they were being molested. They have called 2x in the past month. Although my brother hasn’t been here for 3 months…And my children are never alone…except if there is another responsible person there to look after them. I didn’t realize my 15 yr old brother wasn’t responsible.

I’ve fought doctors who refuse to adjust Luke’s meds, who won’t call me and tell me what is wrong with Conner, who won’t talk to the boys about molestation allegations…

I’ve fought their dad, who firmly believes that the oldest is “crazy” and the youngest would be fine if he just lived with him.
His theory is that it is my parenting that is why Conner is the way he is.

I’ve fought my recently ex-fiance who is still involved in our lives, about his parenting styles and spanking my 5 yr old. (I don’t spank my kids unless abso-friggin-lutely necessary. Which is pretty much never. I just feel there are better ways to discipline and teach them.)

So, I’ve been fighting like crazy for my kids and to do what I believe is best for them. Even when I don’t like it. Seems like there should be more family support, instead of all the services fighting against me.

I took A to the park and the beach today and we had a ball.Also cooked a beautiful dinner for A. I feel better doing it and A enjoys it and sleeps better of a night!

i want to trust people more easily. right now i fin d it hard to trust anybody.

This is the first time I’ve been here in over a year and much has changed!!

First off, I have a have a baby now just turned 8 months. He was born 2 weeks after I turned 20 (even though people still make judegments about me because I look much younger and think I’m 15/16 or something which I never looked down on either) I depend on the baby daddy’s mother which I live with. She can be such a bitch sometimes but she does say a lot of stuff that I NEED TO HEAR. She pushes me more than my own mother. So in a weird way I look up to her more as my mother than my own. She is the one pushing my scared lazy butt to get my life together and stop depending on everyone else to take care of me which is DEAD ON!!!!

My baby’s father is currently in the military stationed in Kentucky and is by far the least supportive punk ever! We are on/off and we are going through our own problems. Anyway I want to find the strength in myself to not only go back to school and get a job to support my little man but also be a better mother to my baby.

I’ve done really bad things to my little boy. I’ve argued in front of him and this little one totally senses those emotions from everyone. He cries so much I know he doesn’t like it one bit to hear anger and hatred fuming from people around him above all his own mother. If there was a switch I could permanetly turn off that anger I would do it in a heartbeat for that gorgeous life but unfortunetly it’s not that simple. I know that whenever I had a bad day, it’s his smile and laugh at the end of the day that always lifts my spirits. I definetly owe it to him to give him a better life than what I lived. It just takes one step at a time….

I am a single mother with shared custody of my 11-year old son with his dad. His dad sees him every other weekend, but I am the only one responsible for financial support since his dad is an unemployed reluctant to look for a job-loser.
I just bought a house that is pretty spacious, lots of cleaning to do. I have a dog that destroys everything he finds. My main concern is dealing with my son’s frustration. He gets very easily frustated when he is putting something together, doing homework, house chores, almost anything. I try to calm him down, ask him to be patient, try to be patient myself. If I ask him to do anything I have to tell him several times and he always says he was about to do it anyway. I get him toys and we play with them one time, then he does not want to use the toy anymore and he wants a new one. I know I am not a good disciplinarian because I am not consistent. I will try different things. I will get the toys out myself and start playing with them until he joins me. I know this is not so hard and I should try different things until something works. Perhaps all I need is structure and stick to what I promise to do. :)

01/20/09
I asked my son to pick up his clothes from the floor. He did it.
I had a client at home yesterday so we did not have much time to do anything. He got very mad because he could not find his flute and needed it for today at school. I explained that it is his sole responsibility to take care of his things. He got very mad. I helped him look for the flute but we did not find it. He wanted to go to the garage which is very full of stuff and dark and I told him he was not going to. I need to buy him a new one and make him responsible somehow.
We did watch a show on Animal Planet together.
I have to take toys out and start playing as I promised myself.

02/21/09 Things are not going well so far. We have been at war two days in a row over trivial stupid things. He whines a lot if he has to do a single thing, like wash his dish. He claims he is always bored and yet, anything I propose to do, he says he hates it.’
For two days in a row we fought pretty bad and I screamed at him. He was taking a shower and crying. When I heard him crying I went in and apologized. I told him that I love him veyr much and I do not want us to fight but he has to help aroudn the house and be more respectul to me. I am bad at disciplining him.

Yesterday we went to the mall because he needed new sneakers. He wanted a kind of tennis shoes that were $80. I thought they were too expensive but I was willing to buy them. He said that they were too expensive. We went to another store and I got him some that were almost $100. He was extremely happy. We then went to hang out in different stores and had ice cream. So far, it was a good day until we went to get his dad to go to the animal shelter and find our lost dog. His dad went crazy at the end yelling at me because I divorced him and so on. I told him to consider that our son was witnessing this and to refrain himself. I am very, very sorry that I was so stupid thinking that after 4 years apart he could behave like a normal person. He is a complete moron and the biggest asshole I ever met.
My responsibility is to keep my son away from this jerk that thinks only of himself.

Today I am going to clean the house and take my son wherever he wants to go. Perhaps we can try a new children’s museum.

08/18/09 I am still having issues with my son. I just started my masters degree studies yesterday. Now that I will have even less time I will try to give quality time to him. Today I am supposed to see a couple of clients and do a lot of homework but I will still find time JUST FOR HIM with no distractions. Where there is a will, there is a way :)