Feel good about myself

I’ve spent the last two years working off an addiction and getting my life back on the tracks, but still need to work a lot on my self-esteem. I’m a lot better adjusted than I was a couple of years ago but there is still a strong residue of old habits and negative self-talk.

In order to love myself, I have to feel good about myself. And I don’t. For one thing I’m not happy about my body. I hate to look at myself in the mirror. The last couple of years I put on a lot of weight. Every day I have a bad hairday, I simply don’t know what to do with my hair. And I do not take enough care of my body. I wear comfortable clothes, nothing (or occasionaly something) fashionable and stylisch. I want to feel good about myself, but I’ll have to make huge changes for that. I’m not sure I can do that…

I’ve been healthy for such a long time and now suddenly I keep on sliding from one thing to another. First I hurt my knee, then my back, the I tore a ligament in my ankle, then I had an infected cyst and now I am down with the flu. It is so annoying and being the way I am I feel guilty whenever I take time off work, thinking that I don’t even feel that bad and that I should be working instead.

I am a mother, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a friend.
I can be all these things for other people, but why cant I be there for myself.
I am worth more, I am better then this.

Put on even more weight, was stupid and lost my phone, haven’t done any of the work I need to do, haven’t done much in general all week.

yesterday i was a judge for an english speaking competition at the uni that i work at in china
i really didn’t want to go, i don’t usually know what’s going on, i don’t like the responsibility of judging their performances and i’d been asked to give “comments” at the end and i’m not fond of public speaking.
in the end though i’m really glad i went. i have a lot of problems here because i get lonely i think, but when i’m around people i enjoy being here so much i caught up with some students who i really like who i tutored last semester, and i spoke with some other english teachers which is a nice change since i don’t see them very often.
i was also slightly inspired by the speakers. none of them were english majors but they were all much braver than i am and had chose to stand up and give a speech in english. all of their speeches were so positive and it made me understand even more that being happy is 99% attidude.
i know i have been incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to come here, i’m lucky about a lot of things in my life. i need to appreciate it a lot more, and appreciate my acheivements
on days like yesterday, i do and it makes me feel better
i just need to learn how to keep this feelin going when i have no external influences…

This week has been pretty social, seems to make me feel better :)

I had a good talk with my friend last night, he helped clear up some of my negative thinking and to try and make it logical, it helped a lot

I’ve had some help from my friend, he showed me this goal. Not sure where to start really

On saturday I had a half-drunk conversation with a friend of mine. It all evolved around happiness being a choice and not something you wait for to happen. I generally agree with his view on this – it does depend on yourself.
Next he shared with me his “Rules” for happiness, which I don’t really believe in, but gonna try nonetheless:
- Do 1 hour of sports daily
- Get a good nights sleep
- Try to have as much fun as possible (even though you don’t feel like it – this one is a bit complicated)
- Be always nice to other people
- Do the things you are bad at regularly

Hm, let’s see how that works. It was a fun talk anyway…