work on my self esteem

I never had low self esteem until last year, after being rejected by a man I wanted to be with. Since then, I’ve just felt like I’m not good enough. I feel I’m not that pretty, my clothes aren’t good enough, and I feel like I’m not doing much with my life. I never felt this way before and it’s really getting to me. I’ve never in my life have been so sad. So I’m really going to try to work on my self esteem until I get it back because I know its still there, I just have to take it one day at a time.

...not letting people treat me like shit. Easier said than done though.

My therapist is back from holidays and we have begun doing some amazing work with family of origin. There’s no blame as to how you were raised, but rather an awareness of why you have developed certain beliefs based on the parenting you had as a child. I’m really looking forward at discovering and moving on.

I need to give credit to myself for all of the things I have achieved today and this year…so here’s a start:

-I’m starting to gain control over my eating – I’m listening to when my body is hungry. Today everyone was eating chocolate and I really wanted one, but I could say no bc I honestly wasn’t hungry. I had two little bite size choccies when I got home and that was plenty.

Gaining control over spending. I used to spend a load of money, on myself in particular. Today I was told about a dress that was “just you”..and I wanted to go and see it esp since it was “only $89”- but I didn’t. I don’t need more clothes, esp now when I am losing weight. I don’t buy anything like I used to, and I even watch the amount I spend on groceries. Instead of buying that dress I went and bought some delicious blueberries and cherries.

-Not watching loads of TV. I got lazy and used to watch anything and everything, and I wasted so much time doing that. But I don’t do that anymore, and even though I’m a bit strapped for time, my husband and I often talk with the tv off now, play board games, go wildlife spotlighting out side our house…loads of stuff. Previously I would turn down stuff bc I didn’t want to miss a show!

-Lose weight. I am getting there and trying not to be mean to myself. I am letting this process take time. I am losing a little each week and not binging or freaking out, or emotionally eating.

I am so proud of myself!

Just saw my psychologist – hmmm interesting that he is now MY psychologist and not the, or a psychologist…and I think this is going to be good…I think we can get somewhere…today we talked about the flight or fight response, which of course I knew about but we went through it in super detail, with him drawing pictures of the evolution of the brain etc…it was really interesting and I had a few light bulb moments..I don’t see him again until Jan 19th because he is running away for christmas…but I can’t wait to get back. next we talk about childhood and how different experiences imprinted ‘truths’ on this fight or flight centre of the brain about what you need to be fearful about..yikes…I can’t wait…I love my folks so much but hey…!!!!

I feel like I will never get better. And that’s the problem. I catastrophise everything. I panic. I feel awful. and then because I realise that I am blowing everything out of proportion I beat myself up about it. It is irritating, and tiring. I want to be the old me. The one my husband met. She was pretty damn cool, relatively self assured and happy.

This grl now, the one who is in her place, is very unsure of herself, needs constant reassurance, is never happy with herself, wants to be perfect, but is exhausted and burdened from the weight of the facade and wants simplicity back. She wants too much and is never satisfied. She lets material things declare to her how much someone does or doesn’t love her. She over analyses every little thing. She wants to be liked too much but can never accept it when it comes to her. She has nightmares. She feels lost. Go away boring annoying girl – you are freaking cramping my style!!!

I went into town and I didn’t freak out. I realised that my brain looks for things that it can recognise as being “true” and for whatever reason one of my truths is that I’m fatter and uglier than everyone else. So when I’m out I only see skinny or attractive women and that in turn then confirms this truth. Keeping this in mind, when I went out, I noticed the attractive skinny women as per usual but I also acknowledged when I saw women who were not as attractive or skinny so I got to see and actually take it the wider gamut of people. So that was good.

I also saw some friends who I hadn’t seen for a while, and they both said I was looking good – and I accepted it! Sure I am not at my skinniest or how I would like to be, but I’m not at my heaviest and I have got some of my shape back and I should be proud…so I let myself be.

And probably most importantly my husband and I played our guitars together doing dodgy versions of songs we love. I was so shy and felt like i would embarrass myself but I soldiered on and we had the absolute best night! and yes my playing was quite crappy and my voice out of tune sometimes but it was so lovely to be vulnerable in that way with him and he still loved me despite all of that. In fact, I have been so concious of my weight and trying to lose weight that I have been a bit closed off, and definately more boring – but I wanted to do whatever it took to keep him – and it turns out that time like that- spent together doing fun, silly things, being brave and honest with each other- that’s the stuff that he can get from me, that he can’t get from anyone else – its that sort of thing that can only make us stronger.

I have a few goals which are all related to this – so I’m going to get rid of them and pop them all under this heading. So say goodbye to: to realise I am the most important person to someone; stop comparing myself to other people and stop apologising for how I look….oh and like myself of course

So I met with this psychologist the other day and I am feeling relatively confident..I meet with him again on the 8th. We will be looking at family of origin stuff, how my negative self beliefs began – what experiences happened to me when I was younger that made me believe all the rubbishy things I believe about myself. It should be interesting. I have also been briefly looking at this module online re low self esteem. It’s quite interesting actually. It is saying that as there is too much information to process at any one time, our brain chooses to pay attention to the things we expect and interpret things in a way consistent with our expectations – this way we don’t overload…
Basically it says that we tend to remember things that are consistent with what we believe to be true. The problem is, if one of the things you believe to be true is that you are fatter and uglier and overall more uninteresting and unattractive than everyone else(like I do) your brain will pay attention to things that meet that expectation and interpret information that proves these expectations….ie when I go out, while I see loads of women, I focus on and remember the really attractive, skinny, stylish ones and not the normal looking ones, or ones who are more unattractive than me. So then that confirms my belief that I am indeed fatter, uglier etc…The problem with this of course is that not only do you have the belief to start with, but you maintain it and even make it worse by constantly confirming this negative thought….
I will keep reading and keep thinking and keep you posted if I have any breakthroughs…

I have really low self esteem – struggle to go out, hate meeting new people, can’t look at myself in the mirror, always apologising for how I look/who I am, never feeling good enough, feeling unlovable, fat, ugly, disgusting, thinking that I won’t be able to keep my husband happy – kind of self esteem.

I am going to see a new shrink on Tuesday as it has gotten that out of control. So hopefully that will help. But I have also found an online resource that looks pretty good with modules to work through – and yes I realise I already have loads on my plate but…

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47