unleash my creativity

I signed up for an in-person writing class today. Two hours on Saturdays for eight weeks. I haven’t been in an actual writing class for more than a decade. I’m trying not to be scared but it’s hard. Hopefully this will be the challenge I need.

I always get stumped early into the process. My “mind” kicks in and says that this is all woo-woo b.s. and if I just had discipline I could do what I wanted to do (and as a corollary that I must not “really” want it because I’m not able to do it).

I have to push passed this or I will be stuck right where I am forever.

ok, so it wasn’t such a good idea to photo them against an orange background (it was dark and late and i needed the money), but here we have young Hanna’s birthday prezzies: a Clothkits purse and pencil case. bet she’ll be the only young lady in Hamburg with these. am especially proud of (1) having worked out how to use the zip foot on the sewing machine, even if the seam is totally wonky, and (2) the upcycled lining: an old pillow case that cost €1 at oxfam. you get a better idea of the colours on the Clothkits page.

I have to remember that my creativity isn’t always, or even always best, expressed through writing and that without other activities (yes, at thirty[mumble] I own coloring books) the writing gets dry.

and here it is, on the creative stairpost. the colours aren’t quite as gaudy in real life. i was inspired by my mum’s hilarious crocheted coat of many colours. anyway, not bad for €5.99 including the needles. knitting must surely be the cosiest winter hobby?

...but it’s hard with no juice.

I’m enervated. Drained. Depleted. Completely, utterly dry.

Creativity requires passion and juiciness. I can’t even write my birthday down correctly on the driver’s insurance form for work.

Yet, I’ve done morning pages 4 mornings out of five this week and writing exercises 3 mornings out of those four.

That’s a start.

i made a bag! with my new sewing machine! not a straight seam in sight!

i bought a new sewing machine! i’m still not sure it was the right thing to do, and couldn’t sleep last night for thinking of my nana’s sewing machine which i’d schlepped through the london underground and got a friend to drive over to berlin, and have now abandoned to herr ziemann to be slaughtered … i was hoping it could be repaired, but herr ziemann said that it had seized up through lack of use, plus some band that isn’t made any more was too loose, plus the motor sounded slow, plus i don’t know what else, and that a repair job would cost at least 200 euro. and then he showed me the new pfaff machines, especially the select 1528 which was on special offer (end of the line) and can do all these jazzy stretch stitches that the pfaff 297 most certainly couldn’t … i went away to think about it for a few hours, had to ring my mum (who was helpfully in frankfurt) to ask her opinion, but eventually decided to buy the new one and leave the old one there in part exchange. i feel terrible that i didn’t take proper care of nana’s machine, and that it seized up through lack of use. then again, what is the point of keeping a machine that doesn’t work? and even if i’d got it repaired, there’s no guarantee that it would be fun to use. it was about 30 years old, and herr ziemann said it was past its half life. i still feel terrible. but i’ve still got the instruction booklet with lots of lovely photos from the 1970s/80s…

so today i got up early, went out to get patterns and material, found myself completely overwhelmed, had to go swimming to recover, and have now turned the lounge into a complete and utter tip full of sewing stuff. but the new machine sews like a dream! i’m starting with a bag that’s supposed to be easy peasy, but i’ve gone wrong already. well, not terribly wrong, but i want to do it better. i suppose it will get easier with practice.

I’m adopting this goal because, like taking risks, I need to be more creative in my life and I just realized recently that creativity isn’t necessarily expressed in the standard ways (art, music, writing, dance, performance) but in myriad ways:

• thinking up a new dish to cook (dreamsicle cake anyone?)
• finding a way to work within existing parameters to solve a problem
• training yourself out of bad habits by encouraging good habits
• resisting the advertising that tells you that if you don’t buy this, eat that, drive this, wear those, watch this, listen to this other, or think a certain way you are less-than.

All of these things are ways in which creativity is expressed that are not always recognized as such.

I want the freedom to get dirty, to use lots of orange and paint with my fingers, to sprinkle my writing with daring verbs, to experiment with color and sound and pictures, to wear t-shirts that I designed that make people think. All of that takes creativity

Last night after arriving home later than I’d hoped, somewhat tired and definitely in need of some down time, I could feel myself becoming grouchy thinking about preparing dinner. I didn’t have any idea what to make, and the thought of rifling through my gazillion recipes didn’t appeal to me AT ALL. But… still, we had to eat, so I went in to the kitchen with a plan to keep it as simple as possible.

The first thing I saw was a spaghetti squash I’ve been meaning to cook up, so I had M cut it in two and I popped it into the oven for half an hour. While it softened and sweetened in the heat, I pulled some chicken breast, red and green peppers, zucchini and mushrooms out of the fridge, a can of diced tomatoes out of the cupboard, and two spicy organic turkey sausages out of the freezer. After about ten minutes of chopping, I had a bubbling sauce simmering in the wok. After seasoning it with various herbs and spices and a splash of soy sauce, it made a super-tasty and nutritious topper for the spaghetti squash, which, once shredded, was tossed with salt, pepper and grated asiago cheese.

I’m always so tickled when I create ‘meals by feel’ this way, especially when they turn out as scrumptious as last night’s did!