make a decision

because today I realised that this project I am working on which has gone on f-o-r-e-v-e-r will never end. I wanted to scream because I am so bored! So I asked if I could submit a late application (only one day late) and I could so I did it tonight. Now it’s in the lap of the gods.

I feel comfortable not applying for the job I was going to have a crack at. Especially because now my manager has set it up so that I work in a different area of the organisation (but one with cross over to the work I do) so that I can learn some new skills and add some more strings to my bow. He’s been pretty good at looking after me actually. I should make sure I let him know how much I appreciate it!!

I talked this through with my eating disorders therapist and the conclusion I’ve come to is that I’m not ready to cope with the lack of structure that the job opportunity presents at this stage. It would place me in some high risk situations mentally. Plus I need to put the life back into work-life balance so it’s time to not worry so much about work, career goals etc and spend more time doing things I enjoy.

I had decided that this year was going to be all about my health, fitness, fun and creativity. I had a very hard and stressful time workwise last year and I thought I would take it a lot easier in 2008. But I have this nagging feeling that I should not be letting an opportunity for an internal job move go by. I have a sense that my current job will be boring this year.

• More scope to build new skills and develop career
• Pay rise
• More variety and possible challenge
• Travel

• More travel means less routine for fitness which is a priority
• Stress of a new job
• Lots of public speaking and higher profile which may promote self doubt. I can do this kind of thing okay but I don’t really like it that much.
• Goes against plans to have a relaxing year
• More financial/budgetary responsibility which I don’t really want
• Have to go on stupid leadership courses which I have no interest in attending. I’m already a leader!!

Wahhhh! This hasn’t helped!!

It takes me forever to decide on anything. I am always the last person to order when out to dinner, I look through my DVD’s for about an hour before I choose one, and it’s not even fun to go shopping anymore. Those aren’t even important things.
Now the BIG decisions….. where to move, whom to date/marry, college, careers ????
I don’t get how those decisions are made. Things like that make me panic. I just can’t do it. I know that “can’t” isn’t a word. Blah Blah. I need to figure it out. How to just decide.

Starting this very moment I’m going to stop hmmm-ing and hawwww-ing over things. In my mind, I’m like I was like a hamster on one of those wheels, running, wearing himself out yet getting no where. Constantly, with the back and forth, analyzing and second guessing it has got to stop. It has stopped; today.

i always had a same problem and it is to decide.
i usually end up doing things for people around
me to make them happy, than doing something for me.
what acually keeps me happy too.but now its the time in
my life where i feel i would not be able to live any longer
if i dont decide to take one direct way in my life towards
something i have been thinking about since i was 17teen years old.and it is to become a nun.
i had many complicated relation ships since than and got more confused, but non of them last… am 24 now and still feel,that i havent found the place im looking for… i guess i need to pray more to help me find the answer and a way….

i always had a same problem and it is to decide.
i usually end up doing things for people around
me to make them happy, than doing something for me.
what acually keeps me happy too.but now its the time in
my life where i feel i would not be able to live any longer
if i dont decide to take one direct way in my life towards
something i have been thinking about since i was 17teen years old.and it is to become a nun.
i had many complicated relation ships since than and got more confused, but non of them last… am 24 now and still feel,that i havent found the place im looking for… i guess i need to pray more to help me find the answer and a way….

That I need to see on my list everyday. I’ve gotten better at making decisions but I’d like to make them faster.

You see, one of my worst habits is hemming and hawing over choices for years. Not really decieding on any one thing or going back and forth on thngs.

As the days turn to weeks, and the weeks turn to years, I realize I could have done 2 or 3 those things in the time I spent trying to deciede which one to do. Does that make sense?

About two years ago I realized what going on. All those years I’d been paralyzed by fear. A fear of making wrong choices. In a nut shell; as long as I wasn’t making a decision, I wasn’t making the wrong descion.

Maybe I should change the name of this goal to stop being so afraid of being wrong.

While I need to be more decisive in general, there is a specific life-altering decision looming above me presently. It’s really stressing me out.