take a stand

After I’d come to the realization that these friends weren’t the real issue, I knew I had to do something. Now, I can see that the group of kids weren’t ‘bad’ or ‘hypocritical’ as I thought. They were kids. I was a kid. It’s okay to be different. It’s okay for them not to be the same as me. It’s okay for me to think and feel things differently. At the time, I couldn’t grasp this concept and just had huge feelings of hopelessness and guilt.
The real issue was me. Everything they did and said, I agreed with and endorsed. I adopted a persona that would fit nicely into their realm. I knew that I wasn’t ‘myself’ but didn’t realize that this in fact was the issue. Now, I’ve discovered who I am, or at least many parts of who I am. For a period of time, I had a very bitter attitude towards the group. I was angry at myself and the situation. And I blamed them.

I obviously had a subconscious desire to fit in, to belong, to have a ‘group’ of friends. I did it, at my own expense. Sometimes I think about the times we shared together, and I have to admit I did at times genuinely have fun. Now I don’t have fun. I’m not fun. I can see what is funny but I’m not fun anymore. But then I never really was because I lived my life through the persona I’d adopted which wasn’t me anyway…

So now, the options are, do I abandon all of them, move to Japan like I intend to anyway and erase them from my memory? Or, do I pick up from where I left off? The thing is, I can’t re-adopt that persona that I had. That’s not truly me. I can’t do it.

The easy way out, is just to leave it/them all behind and start fresh in some new place…then I get a txt message from that ‘best friend’ saying ‘I haven’t seen you for ages. I miss you.’ Then I feel bad.

So now this is all out on the table of my mind, I just don’t know what to do. Every decision has a consequence. As I know too well. The law of cause and effect… I’m divided one again. How can you turn around and say to X amount of people who, you’ve known for year and who consider themselves to be your friend, that ‘actually you don’t think of them as friends because they don’t really know you at all, you actually think they’re still childish, immature, superficial, narrow minded and predominantly fun-oriented- just like when they were younger, and that finally you don’t want anything to do with them ever again?’

Now that we’re a little bit older, some of them are making changes. I can see that they are trying to be better people (not that I’m angel face over here). Some of them have gotten baptized now. I haven’t decided if I want the religion for myself yet. That’s another thing, if I do decide on getting baptized (reeeeally don’t know about that either) then I’ll see them all the time… Why is life so difficult at times?

Regardless of the subconscious/conscious motives that caused this entire problem, it was my doing. I wanted so badly to be part of the group that I forsook myself. Someone once said that ‘regrets are a waste of time. No matter how badly you feel about a situation past, there’s nothing you can do to change it.’ I’ve been so focused on ‘what happened’ I haven’t been able to think in the present and see things for what they are the time. I’ve already gone back, assessed the situation, identified what went wrong and now it’s time to make a decision and move forward. No blaming. No regrets.

Maybe I should write a book?!!

After this revelation of how changed I was and how my social life with these guys was so up the putt, I sank.

(After year 12 exams I had a mental breakdown. I went into major depression. I couldn’t function, even semi normally. I completely ignored my Uni offer and didn’t even enroll. I quit my casual job at the Jewelers without even having a replacement job lined up. I soon got a telemarketing job and lasted a week. Then I landed a temp job, full time at our state’s Motor Club call centre for roadside assist. That made my mental condition worse. I wouldn’t go into work for weeks at a time. I’d sleep for days on end. I completely shut all of my ‘friends’ out. I didn’t see any of them for at least 6 months. Then I had psychosis symptoms. I was a mess. I’ve never seen so many GP’s, psychologists and psychiatrists in such a short span of time in my life. To boot, the medications didn’t help at all. In fact they just numbed me. One psychologist I saw did make an impression on me; he said a few things that I still reflect on even now. This psychologist said to me that while “…medication is useful to a certain degree, it doesn’t get to the root of the problem, it doesn’t actually ‘fix’ anything…” He never pushed me to talk either, I liked that. After the worst seemed over, I decided to read. From Dr. Phil to some psychologists/GP’s I’d never heard of, to internet info. I agree with that psychologist- although certain conditions for some do need medication. The medication didn’t do it for me.

So, now I’m here almost a year later and have worked through a lot of my childhood issues etc. This issue about those friends still exists however, and this is what I now need to address. It’s now or never).

This is something that’s been pestering me for a really some time now. Been ignoring it because it’s so huge and haven’t wanted to face up and make a decision. This has always been a problem, but at its climax I blocked out my true feelings and went along with it. Now, I’ve gotten up from the fall, almost fully up, but I was down for a long time.

As a background, my parents are religious and very much part of their religion. Mom insists that she’s not religious, she’s ‘spiritual’- maybe that is what she is then. Whatever you want to call it, she’s always been involved in her church or ‘congregation’ as she calls it, ever since I can remember. Growing up she’d take my brother and I along with her to church. Dad wasn’t into it at all then. But of recent (past 6 months) he’s become much much more involved. Through my primary and high school years (not now because they don’t tell me anymore and I’m studying via correspondence anyway…) I wasn’t allowed to spend time after school hours with my friends. I had to be friends with kids from church and/or neighboring congregations.

This was incredibly hard. I felt so hard done by. I was the only child not ‘allowed’ to go on school camp. My parents’ reasoning was that because the kids’ school didn’t have the “same beliefs…” Now, I can see their point to a certain degree. I don’t agree with it- but I can understand it. As I got older I used to think “dad doesn’t even go to church so why does he have the right to tell me X, Y, Z?” I am 20 years old now, but this is an issue bigger than ever for me and now is the time to sort it out the best I can so that I can move forward without having this constantly hanging over my head.

I was 15 and moved high schools after year 8. One of my friends from church also moved schools and we ended up at the same one, in the same classes. That was year 9. From year 9-12 we virtually took the same classes except for the odd one that I’d chosen and she wasn’t the least interested in. Before we’d moved schools, we weren’t the best of friends but we did spend time together. Now all of a sudden she decided that we were now ‘best friends.’ I went along with it, after all who says no to friendship unless the person’s not ‘suitable?’ Things were fine. We settled in quite nicely together and met all the other kids etc. We met a boy in our year level that was also of the same religion as we were. That was interesting at the time and he seemed nice. He soon introduced us to his group of friends (after school hours) from the religion. They seemed like so much fun. I thought, ‘this is great, now won’t have to argue so much with my parents about not being allowed to hang around with my school friends…’

These kids were bad news. It turns out that they were worse than my school friends! I remember lying in bed sometimes and thinking about how this was ‘right’ and how hanging out with my schoolfriends ‘wasn’t right.’
At first it wasn’t as bad as it got. Bad isn’t really the correct adjective to use here I guess- they weren’t into drugs and they didn’t do anything ‘criminal;’ it was subtle things, their opinions, the things they talked about, their humor, their ‘recreational’ activities etc. Eventually as time passed, my initial shock disappeared and was replaced with expectancy.

I’d changed. One day, I thought about it all and instantly felt like I had just ‘woken up and had lost myself.’

to the particular ‘goal’-this entry does follow along from the other entry which ‘technically’ is also irrelevant to the goal; so at least we have some sort of consistency prevailing! Anyhow, i susbsequently thought i’d pop this thought in here as i have to share this!!

So, it seems i’m not the only person who lists goals that virtually are the same OR that contradict another! ...Flicking through another 43er’s ‘list’ i couldn’t help but notice:

GOAL X : “stop smoking so much weed”

and THEN a few goals down they’ve have:

GOAL Y: “grow some pot”

HAHAHA is that not hilarious?
i find that quite amusing ;)

this goal is pretty much another goal listed as well which is: to “muster up enough courage to say exactly how i feel.” i’ve only just noticed this…

:D=