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In talking to a friend today, we were talking about a variety of topics. He expressed cynicism about virtually every one that we talked about. I don’t know what it is, but cynicism seems to be around every corner. What in our world has made us so cyncial?

I know that I tend to err on the naive side of things, but that is mostly because I chose to. I like to see the world as a beautiful place, even when there’s ugliness around. Life’s too short to be so cynical. But why can’t other people see it quite like that?

What makes people so cynical? Is it too much exposure to life? Do we each have a naivety threashold that we can’t pass? After so much life, are we all destined to become so cynical? Why is that our defense mechanism? There are so many other ways to deal with stuff that I can’t imagine using cynicism. It makes a sunny day overcast and an overcast day a storm, just because we can’t see the best, only the worst scenario possible.

I can’t possibly become that cynical. After being around it for so long, I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I find myself responding more and more with happiness and laughter – while cynicism may be his defense machinism, laughter is mine.I don’t know that I look through life through rose-colored glasses, but I do think that I look at it through laughter-tinted ones. And that’s exactly the right shade for me.

It is October 15th. It is October 15th, and it is snowing outside. It’s kind of cool. But it’s still October. In what crazy world does this happen? It is already down comforter, hot chocolate, snow boots, and sweater weather. The only bad thing is that I love fall – light jackets and apple cider. ;-) I guess I’ll have to just combine the two this year!

Snow! In October!

This summer, I worked on a farm picking fruit and tending the stand. It was a lonely job – my ipod became my best friend. I spent up to 7 hours just by myself with my thoughts and my music.

The good news? I became very comfortable with my own thoughts and with myself. I spent so much time thinking that now, when I have to spend some time with my ipod and my thoughts, I have no problems! I spent 50 minutes today working out, and hardly even noticed it.

I never get bored with my thoughts anymore, which is good, because I think we should probably be pretty at home with ourselves – it’s the one person we never leave!

I should have know this was coming. She was too quiet, too distant in conversation to be ignored. It’s always quiet just before your world comes crashing down on top of you.

Haven’t been able to sleep for almost a week now…
It isn’t my fault this time around. I mean I know I care about her and I told her.. so how can it be my fault?

We all have our secrets and we all want to live our owns lives. I just want to make her a bigger part of mine. Was that so wrong?
Well it must have been because we haven’t spoken since that night and things have fallen apart in the rest of my life since.

Everything hinges on what we believe in, on what we care about. Once you lose that thing you hold dearest to you.. everything else goes to hell in a handbasket.

I should man up and admit defeat, accepting the loss and go forward. Bad thing is I can’t just turn a page in a book and forget about the last two years. Never could understand how she put up with me for this long…

I sometimes wonder what it is that guides us in and out of relationships. Is it our need for that other? That yearning that never goes silent? Personally I thought it was my own lack of self. So I tried to become the person inside, the one that could tackle life all on his lonesome. Funny thing about that is.. life is hardly worth living unless you’ve got someone special to share it with. A good friend is priceless but that certain someone is beyond description.

I almost wish I hadn’t spoken up and things were as they have been for the past 6 months. What I really wish is we could go back to a year ago, when things were good between us.

With each day’s passing the pain gets a little worse, as the blow to my heart has yet to be completely realized.

It isn’t that I want anything the rest of you out there don’t want. All anyone wants is to be loved by another, at least that’s what I like to think the rest of you out there are looking for. Someone to be there through the hard times and the good times. Someone that won’t judge you for what you have no control.

I wonder if posting this is better than a journal entry. Journals are more personal but hardly any ever see the light of day…

I went to visit my nephew on Sunday. I needed cheering up… Payton’s 5 years old, just starting school. And I don’t know if it was his kindergarden class or me but the visit fell short for both of us. He expected the normal, happy uncle with a smile on his face and a toy in his arms. All I came bearing was sadness this time around, he hardly knew what to do with me.
We played with a pair of walkie talkies in the house, he hid behind the sofa. I enjoyed him, as I always do, but things weren’t the same and he could tell.

I didn’t think I was capable of loving another until Payton was born. Loving him awakened something inside, something dorment, something small that had been overlooked.
Children look at you in a way that can’t be dismissed. They see the whole you, with eyes untarnished by the world we live in.

I hated to hear he was starting school this year. I hate to think of him losing that innocence, that innocence he’ll never get back.

The visit was cut short today, hardly stayed any time at all. I couldn’t stand that family atmosphere of my brother’s house having a fresh crack running the length of my heart.

Intriguing how the family psychic connection works.

Last night I was stepping into the shower when the thought, “My extended family never pays any attention to what I do and I am so glad I am over that fact.”

I was thinking how my youngest brother posts photos of his children or posts something on facebook and the sibs gather around to hit the “Like” button and oooh and ahhh every accomplishment from him and his family. That’s cool, that’s how it should be, and I am right there with them, happily clicking “like” and happy high fiving whatever I see that comes along from Joe or any of my other remaining four siblings or my parents, all of whom are on facebook, too.

Life on facebook reflects life everywhere, doesn’t it?

This morning I was checking out my profile page and noted my eldest brother had clicked “like” on the haiku I posted this morning.

What?

I had to blink, once in disbelief and once to keep the tears that had formed from falling down my face.

Why is this stuff still an issue for me?

Why have I not let it all go? Am I not supposed to let it all go?

I don’t really care if people read what I write or what they say about what I write I just like posting what I am thinking…it helps me focus on the task at hand…so glad that I now have a place to do this..although I guess I could have done this in a blog…but blogs are more for having people read…hmm…I like posting my random thoughts glad I am not alone!

Have you ever noticed how the rain falls down? I mean not just the actual act of the rain, but the emotions associated with it.

Feel lonely? Yeah, the rain knows it. It makes you feel justified and like nature understands. It also makes you feel a little bit better in an odd way. Feel sad? Well, the rain knows that, too.

But other than the obvious emotions, the rain seems to know (and help) if you’re feeling disappointed, romantic, hopeful, sentimental, happy and spontaneous…

That’s one of the great things about the rain. It means so many things. As any good English student knows, when it’s raining in a piece of literature, it means something significant. The incredible thing is that you never know what that may be. And it’s the same way in life.

The rain washes away all bad feelings. The rain understands when you’re feeling down. The rain is hopeful and melancholy and understanding. The rain can be there when you just want to be sad or when you’re tired of being sad and want a change.

The rain is the great equalizer. Not only does it fall on everybody, but it falls on every emotion and understands and justifies every way that you’re feeling.

What an incredible, emotional, wonderful phenomenon!

Just some rainy day thoughts.

And here it is, the graduation speech I delivered at my high school graduation.

Friends, family, and guests, thank you for coming here today to support this class and what we have done. Class of 2009, congratulations! Congratulations on making it this far. The journey has just begun for us, and there is a lifetime of great things ahead of all of us. We all have our dreams and a new life to look forward to today.
Class of 2009, I have a challenge for you. Today, I want you to remember what it was like to be a five year old kid. Now, answer this question as the five year old you would have: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Now, think of who you are right now. Answer the same question we’ve been asked hundreds of times this year: “What are your future plans?”
If you’re anything like me, those two answers are drastically different. What a difference thirteen years make.
When you were five years old, the world was without limits. If you closed your eyes and thought hard enough, you could fly. When people asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, there were no limits. You might be the President of the United States or a world-famous singer. Your answer had nothing to do with money or challenges, but only with what you thought would make you happiest. What changed? Somewhere along the way, we started thinking within limits.
When people asked us what we wanted to be when we “grew up,” our answers became less exciting. Instead of dreaming big, we answered instead with what we viewed as realistic and reachable. These new “dreams” were things that we may or may not actually want to do, but were reasonable. Money and challenges and roadblocks became a part of our consideration with what we wanted to do with our lives. We forgot what it was like to dream without any limits.
The funny thing is that there can be no limits. No matter what anyone has ever told you or what you have told yourself, there are no limits. The one and only limit is the one that you place upon yourself. If you believe that you can accomplish anything and put your whole self into accomplishing it, you will. The opposite is also true. That’s the only limit there is – how willing you are to dream big and reach for that goal.
“A man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” Robert Browning wrote that, in his challenge to his reader to set his dreams outrageously high and then reach for them. He (and I) believe that dreams are meant to be set without limits and then worked for. Browning was challenging us not only to dream big, but then to stretch with all our might with our hands, our hearts, and our souls in order to reach our dreams.
Class of 2009, trust me here and close your eyes. Just for one moment on this day, dream. Dream about what will make you happiest. Dream about what will make you the best that you can possibly be. Most importantly, dream without limits. (Long pause.)
I challenge you to reach for that dream, that pure one without any limits. I challenge you to stretch as far as you can to accomplish that dream. No matter what your dream was, don’t let anyone, including yourself, tell you for any reason that you “can’t” accomplish it. Remember, the only limit on your dreams and accomplishing your dreams is the one that you set upon yourself. If you set no limits upon yourself, there are none. If you stretch and work to reach that dream and miss, well, then, that’s what your heaven is for; at least you will have no regrets and will have lived that dream. And who knows, you may just surprise yourself. Dream big and reach high. Thank you.

It doesn’t feel like it…maybe that’s because my life has been a whirlwind this year and I’ve been crazy buzy since forever. So an update for those who care!

After spending what felt like a million hours preparing for a musical entitled…wait for it…”Urinetown.” This play is a satirical look at a socialistic society. The rich extort the poor and force them to pay a ridiculous fee in order to use the bathroom. The play takes place as they begin to revolt. I played “Senator Fipp,” the transvestite corrupt senator who turns around just before he’s murdered by the angry mob.

After the musical, I spent 24 hours a day, 5 days a week working on English projects and papers and reading. I was up to my ears in work for my independent study and spent all of my waking hours writing poems (to be posted later) and blogging and such. The 2 days a week that I wasn’t working on English, constantly, I was hanging out with my love as much as possible.

Finally, I submitted all of my work and my love came home for the summer. Then I graduated. At the beginning of June, I walked in a cap and gown and delivered my graduation speech.

Since then, I’ve been going, going, gone all the time. I spent a week at the beach with my closest friends. I spent a day at PSU scheduling classes and gaining confidence about my future. I spent half a week at Knoebel’s Grove hanging out with my other set of closest friends and talking like I haven’t talked to people in months, with total honesty. I spent a day in Hershey Park and the rest of my time was spent working. (I have the infamously glamerous job of picking fruit in the mornings and selling fruit in the afternoons.)

Now my summer is still busy, but less so. I’m working and spending as much time as possible with my love. We’re using this summer as our escape and spending tons of time together. So far, it’s been the busiest, best summer ever. I can’t help falling in love with him every single beautiful summer day.

And now I’m back! My life hasn’t gotten less busy, but I realized how deeply, how intimitely I missed this site, sharing my feelings and talking to my friends here. I’m revamping my list and starting today!

I am meeting my first 43ter in person. Ohmigawsh. And I am crying in anticipation.

Meeting my first 43ter in person – in the city which was my home when I was a baby.

I had forgotten to make that connection!

YES! This trip is SOOOOO much more significant than I had even imagined!!

Crying more!!!