After having another down slump, I’m feeling really good again. Brad and I had a discussion over lunch at Panera Bread. About how we would try harder to not take offense when the other one gets upset. And about really working through things. I told him that I didn’t want to be like my parents anymore than I already am; a lot of the time at home, they are tense and have short tempers. On Saturday, I visited my friend who is about to have a baby. Her parents were home, and they were just so nice, soft spoken, not loud or obnoxious. And I was like “wow, this is a really great atmosphere to be in.” To myself, of course. That’s what I want to create for myself. That’s more of the person that I want to be.
So I reminded Brad that I was trying hard lately (OK, the last week and a half) to be better tempered, get things done around the house, and not get upset that he gets upset when I get upset. (yea- that’s a vicious circle). I also called his attention to the fact that I have been doing a lot better with the “cooling off” side of having temper flare up.
In general the past 2 weeks, I’ve been trying really hard to just accept myself. Accept myself, but also push myself to be better (like trying to not hate all over the people at work in my mind…if I’m filling my mind with hate, that makes me a hateful, angry, judgmental person). I am trying to be kinder to myself. Keep up my motivation to go to the gym. (Exercise is good for the brain—both for focus, concentration, thinking, and all the good happy hormones it produces…plus it’s good for the body and gets the blood flowing.)
And one of the best parts of my life lately: the institution of the online book club! It’s been a long time since I read on a consistant basis. And while reading, tried to pick out things in the book, think about them, and then discuss them afterward. Plus I’m working with two amazing women who have great writing skillz and beautiful minds. It is really making me think, getting my writing juices going. I actually used to be a pretty decent writer (of papers and essays). Since school has been over, all my writing is hodge-podge.
Something else that is cool about the book club: we’re doing it blog style, and I’m the one with the blog on my account. It’s up to me to get the discussions started and write my thoughts out first on each section that we read. That is really something for me. Normally I wait until someone else speaks because I think my ideas are dumb. I worry that people are going to think bad things about me. It is also atypical of me to take on some kind of leadership. I’m a born follower. All these stupid confidence issues; I wonder what it’s like to have never had to deal with it. The good news is, I’ve been making really big steps forward. I know that I I’ll have bad days and also step back. I need to keep on this upward trend. 2 years ago