Get my groove back

there is a happier person looking back at me then when she was in the city.

Back in the city she looked much older… short bobbed hair,suits and heels and sad dull eyes. B used to say there were tears in the back of my eyes all of the time.

Now she is younger…long hair, sparkling eyes, laugh lines, blue jean casual. No more tears.

Yeppers…this has been a good move in many ways. :)

I admit it. Living in the wilderness I had gotten lax about how I look…at the best I have adopted a very casual look. That is all well and good but I am a girly girl. I am getting my groove back.

I love everything about being a girl….expensive colognes, make-up, nail polish, rollers for my hair, sexy lingerie, dresses…if it has anything to do with being feminine I love it!

on my friendly r’ship with ex. he’s in a deep depression and uses the alcohol to live with it. i didnt understand the complexity of what has a hold on him. i really thought he was just moving on to the next stage into alcoholism but lately the messages and conversations are suicidal (not that he hadn’t talked like that before but it was like one sentence in a text conversation at christmastime when he had to spend an evening with his family). these are long thought out planned ideas and he is taking so much pleasure in the thought of it. and he is drinking as much or more than ever. then there’s the mystery pains which he says only go away with a third of a bottle before sleep. and telling me he’s waking up soaked in sweat. and the time i saw him out in the middle of the day and he was just messed up seemed exhausted and couldn’t seem to make his words right…and i asked him about it later if he had been all right or if he had a migraine again (cause he does get the vomity kind, the nausea is one of the only things i ve seen that turns him off from any alcohol)...and he never answered.

so duh, i break through my denial and see i am in a r’ship of some kind with an alcoholic with the awesome suicidal depression as a bonus. they say with dual conditions, can’t say which came first but they have to be treated together. so i did the hardest thing it took me three days and an extra therapy session to get up the courage. I confronted him with two alternatives, told him specifically how it was hurting me, that i would help him get to help that would actually work, but that if he did not face it i was out. no more company, no more empathy, no more someone to use for attention to himself but instead i was going to keep my commitment to him as a friend who swore she would never bullshit him. it’s irresponsible to continue to act as if a good friend can give what is required here. this is not a take an aspirin here’s a hug now go ahead and cry level of response called for. i told him i loved him that i know depression and suicide myself and now he had a real decision to make. and guess what? I hAveN’t HeaRd frOm HiM siNcE.

what does this have to do with getting my groove back? after taking off a mental health day to cry my guts out…and btw i am hurting my own self from overeating and not moving…it dawned on me from the strongest kind of love in my heart i have found the courage to be myself with this other person, and to stop carefully treading around the commitment to really loving him. i thought i had been really loving him this whole time and it wasn’t working he didn’t love in response to love and i didn’t understand why. and now i have remade a bold completely true version of the woman i was before this r’ship and i am grieving because by not answering he has said no to relief from his cycles of pain, but i finally finally know i have not done too little or too much. one other person has spoken the truth to him. for speaking the truth but more than that, for in the end loving without any fear, i really do feel set free.

had good luck with the company who came over midweek, but that was not a strictly social thing, it was kind of a meeting. but tomorrow night….i have invited all of my girlfriends over for amaretto slushes to sip on until they are all gone!! i am making the slush tonight, so it will freeze. i hope people come!! no boys allowed this time, i need to recharge with my girls! so important for the retrievin’ of da groooove.

p.s. amaretto slushes are waaay too sweeet. and the sugar plus alcohol made me cry. club soda and tart limes for me next time light wine or vodka if i am not in a shaky mood to start with.

not sure if I can but I feel I must…do I have it in me?

out with my girlfriends tonight. we all got out of work at 4pm and camped out in the bar area of a chain restaurant for four hours. it was so much fun! i so much need to get out into the public and get comfortable out there again. i even started a conversation with some guys there. this is a big move toward groovedom for me.

but if you read my earlier entry on “get out of debt” you’ll find i used up all my paycheck paying department store balances. So I will try again next weekend, i promise!

Besides i discovered tonight that my heart is broken. I felt so lonely tonight and understood that i have felt lonely almost the whole time i was in the relationship i recently ended. it’s just more acute when you are in fact alone. so i cried a lot of it out of me. maybe better i dont add a drink to that kind of mood, probably?

to go out after work tonight. It was a good step because on a Friday I have fallen into the habit of just going home and watching TV. It was just us women and we had a drink each and appetizers, caught up on work gossip, shared about each other a bit. I understand being social is what people with active grooves do. So I am “acting as if.”

i had a good time the other night with the ex. now its time to take the show on the road. what fun happy interesting people will i meet out there? i am not ready at all, but i m gonna feel the fear and do it anyway.

my groove left sometime last night and hasn’t been heard from since.