Had a weird, but nice, dream last night about…well, never mind that. (No, it wasn’t dirty. Perv.) Suffice to say, I am not a dried-up husk of my former self. Good to know. 4 months ago
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when the doctor asks if I may be pregnant, I can say without a doubt that I am not.
The hormones are leveling out – finally – but I still don’t know how parents manage to find time to…well, you know. Somehow I lose whole days doing not much of anything, if the state of my floors and counters is to be believed.
This coming year, I’m going to work on getting my act in gear, so I don’t feel so scattered and rushed. And maybe even rejoin the ranks of women who don’t know if they’re preggers or not. 6 months ago
After having another down slump, I’m feeling really good again. Brad and I had a discussion over lunch at Panera Bread. About how we would try harder to not take offense when the other one gets upset. And about really working through things. I told him that I didn’t want to be like my parents anymore than I already am; a lot of the time at home, they are tense and have short tempers. On Saturday, I visited my friend who is about to have a baby. Her parents were home, and they were just so nice, soft spoken, not loud or obnoxious. And I was like “wow, this is a really great atmosphere to be in.” To myself, of course. That’s what I want to create for myself. That’s more of the person that I want to be.
So I reminded Brad that I was trying hard lately (OK, the last week and a half) to be better tempered, get things done around the house, and not get upset that he gets upset when I get upset. (yea- that’s a vicious circle). I also called his attention to the fact that I have been doing a lot better with the “cooling off” side of having temper flare up.
In general the past 2 weeks, I’ve been trying really hard to just accept myself. Accept myself, but also push myself to be better (like trying to not hate all over the people at work in my mind…if I’m filling my mind with hate, that makes me a hateful, angry, judgmental person). I am trying to be kinder to myself. Keep up my motivation to go to the gym. (Exercise is good for the brain—both for focus, concentration, thinking, and all the good happy hormones it produces…plus it’s good for the body and gets the blood flowing.)
And one of the best parts of my life lately: the institution of the online book club! It’s been a long time since I read on a consistant basis. And while reading, tried to pick out things in the book, think about them, and then discuss them afterward. Plus I’m working with two amazing women who have great writing skillz and beautiful minds. It is really making me think, getting my writing juices going. I actually used to be a pretty decent writer (of papers and essays). Since school has been over, all my writing is hodge-podge.
Something else that is cool about the book club: we’re doing it blog style, and I’m the one with the blog on my account. It’s up to me to get the discussions started and write my thoughts out first on each section that we read. That is really something for me. Normally I wait until someone else speaks because I think my ideas are dumb. I worry that people are going to think bad things about me. It is also atypical of me to take on some kind of leadership. I’m a born follower. All these stupid confidence issues; I wonder what it’s like to have never had to deal with it. The good news is, I’ve been making really big steps forward. I know that I I’ll have bad days and also step back. I need to keep on this upward trend. 18 months ago
insecurities creeping up that haven’t surfaced in many years…tells me that I’m in a pretty shitty place.
I feel totally disgusting most of the time. It’s not good to carry that stuff around. I’m certain it affects much more than I care to admit. 18 months ago
Hooping guy, Baxter was speaking about self imposed bars and I took it to heart.
I will practice living in truth and breaking down these bars. These restrictions, insecurities and limitations hold us back in hooping as well as in non hooping life, he says. So true. 18 months ago
thrift store find dress. It was a style I wouldn’t normally choose. It is my typical black and white printed but high waisted wide belt, form fitting. I definitely had to suck it in.
I dyed my hair black and it took a blueish tint which I love. I painted my lips red and niece and i went to see the vagina monologues at the theater down the street.
It had nothing to do with looking good for men but I did feel nice and put together, a little sassy.
Great show too, all the performers were really good.
I still hate my body though…I definitely now understand that I am resisting caring about romance because I don’t feel I am loveable in my current physical state.
What a fucking shame.
A little belly and I’m now worthless. Really? Knowing it’s absurd doesn’t make it disappear though. 19 months ago
Nothing soothes the soul quite like girlfriends.
Last Saturday (as in not this one just past, but the 5th of November), I got to have girl time and watch V for Vendetta with one of my besties, then got to see another one at night for a group viewing of the Sabres game.
On the 7th of November (Monday), when I was still feeling like death, I had an hour long phone conversation with my other best friend (dating back to middle/high school).
Then the rest of that week I was e-mailing with two other girlfriends. There is something about communicating with people that really gets my soul going. Something about just talking (or typing) and really getting a good train of thought going. That is really missing from my life right now. And I think it’s really important to keep my mind active (kind of sad that I’m already thinking like that at the ‘ripe old age’ of 24).
At work I do the same repetative things over and over, short e-mails here and there, text messages here and there, but very few ‘real’ conversations. Not even with my husband. I’ve mentioned it to him before, and he always tells me that if I want to talk, well talk. But the thing with husbands… sometimes you actually have to say “well let’s just talk.” But with girlfriends… it just kind of happens. 19 months ago
My ex, who is trying to reconnect with me keeps telling me how “beautiful” I am.
Granted, that should feel good but it really does not.
I know far too much about him. I know he is looking for a “pretty girl”. I am not that girl.
I have a type of beauty but after 5 years of knowing me, I’d expect he’d base our relationship on more. But I digress on that one, I really do. It’s a losing battle.
The point is, supposedly there are men who are looking for more substance.
tap, tap, tap, tap…waiting.
I’m choosing to wave my nerd flag just as free as I please. I’ve never gotten by on pretty and I’m not going to now.
I half joke when I equate groove with make up and hair…though those things continue to be important to me. My style is an expression of myself and not a mirror of trends or an attempt to be overtly sexy.
Maybe that will appeal to someone eventually. 19 months ago
Leaving the house every day for a walk has encouraged me to put on a little make up and be presentable.
Saw a very attractive man walking his dog today…a little sidewalk flirting. haha. 19 months ago
I need to find a balance between growing older gracefully..not being vain and still feeling sexy.
What is sexy in the context of a 35 year old woman?
This shouldn’t be too difficult. I certainly haven’t “gotten by on my looks” to this point. I have plenty else to offer…..don’t I? ;)
Sexy almost always evokes a young woman in my mind. This has to change if I’m to love/value myself and my sexuality.
I should get a new groove, not get my groove “back” lol…that groove is goooone. 19 months ago
I wrote the previous entry and then felt sexy today. What the heck?
The kids are gone for the weekend. At first I felt really lost and useless. I went out and hooped a few times…which turned into hours.
Here’s a little video evidence of my increasing groove. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3CkcnRxcUs&feature=channel_video_title 20 months ago
no make up, baggie clothes and need a hair cut.
I feel pretty good but if I am being honest I hate my body. That can’t be a good place to be at all.
All of my clothing is too small.
I have never had this problem and I am not taking it well.
I feel I should not hate the way I look as much as I do but also I cannot just accept fat as acceptable (for me).
I need some new clothes that fit but I have no money at the moment. I may be able to sneak to the thrift stores and buy some dresses.
I’ve never been a big t shirt type of person and now I am. God, I feel so frumpy and nasty.
It occurs to me last night that this is part of the wall that keeps me alone. I stay fat to keep men away or I keep men away because I feel fat…? haha. hmm
I don’t feel sexy by any means but most of the time that is totally ok and a bit liberating in fact.
I’ve never been alone this long, I think. It’s very strange, very strange to not be in touch with my sexuality. 20 months ago
but this week has been a total downer. I’m pretty un-motivated and un-focused (especially at work). My groove. I need to figure out where it went to and get it back. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of the optimistic, upbeat, cheery person I used to be. Before I was cynical, anxious, and sarcastic.
I am trying to be more positive and motivated at home, which always helps. One of the best things in my life right now is that my husband always knows the goofy, silly, or sweet things to do or say to me to get a little smile and giggle. Those are always bright spots on my dreary days.
Right this moment I had the thought that maybe my mood was suffering (especially today) since it’s been utterly dreary _out_side. Very rainy and overcast today. I’m not ready for a gloomy winter yet. :( 20 months ago
I think this may be helpful. I rarely wear make up and if I do it’s really quick. I’d thought the clean and natural look was kind of nice. I was once even called “bold and confident” for going with only a little liner and mascara for a date. What the heck? Anyway. I may glam up my eyes for a few days and see how groovy I feel. Sounds fun. 20 months ago
like a good idea when I wrote the goal but now I wonder what the heck it means.
I think initially, I had wanted to dress and behave more as an adult than I do, as opposed to daycarelady/mom.
I think I’d envisioned things like sexy/sophisticated dresses and adult conversation.
I am so damn isolated. I’m not sure if the isolation has made me more fearful or if I just lack the desire to get out more. 21 months ago
I wear dresses probably 85% of the time. The past few days I’ve been wearing baggie jeans and tshirts and have actually felt really cute. Part of it is feeling less restricted, I imagine and hiding the rolls and such. Part of it though, is just the cuteness of being really casual and comfy. I don’t know. I dig it though. 21 months ago
in a ratty tank and lounge pants. Mid day, I changed to walk to the salon to return the mannequin head I had borrowed. Cute-as-heck black and white skirt I found thrifting last weekend and a teal tank, a little make up. I felt pretty sassy. 21 months ago
to find a man per se. I would just like to remember and rediscover the woman I am who is not my job, who is not just a mom.
I guess I will discover it as I go along but I think there would be some care for my personal appearance involved. Not that I’m a slob, but maybe go that extra step to feel…womanly.
Probably having some adult friends and conversations, going dancing, that type of thing would help along the way. 21 months ago