have a great relationship

Being in a relationship requires dedication, love, and even a little work. My significant other and I have been together two years, and it’s a growing process. We give, we take, and we love.

I see areas where I can work on my part in our relationship. I’m hardly perfect. Overall, I would say I have a great relationship, but I think keeping it that way requires maintenance. :)

Maybe I’ve met my match for a great relationship but I think not. Maybe I simply need to spend more time on my own to reflect on what would be a great relationship for me. Maybe I’m worried I’ll realise the one I left was just that. It’s life, no time for regrets, I just need to keep moving on and be happy with myself for now.

forever.

I think the key for me is to R-E-L-A-X. And see what happens. So many things I worried about have passed, or turned out fine and I feel that I wasted a lot of energy worrying about them. Perhaps the worrying had its place? (To keep me vigilant and sure that I wanted to be in this slightly bumpy relationship).

...And it was magical and extraordinary. The true head-over-heels in love fully reciprocated from someone who put me as much on a pedestal as I did her.

Then, when the magic faded, we realized that we had dramatically different values and things we wanted out of life. Though I still love her and still find her attractive, our relationshing only lasted six months.

And today I wonder about the value of all-out chemistry. The truth is, for me it has never yielded more than fireworks… and not a truly compatible (on multiple levels) beloved. Getting into a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel like they’re the be-all and end-all of everything has the merit of not duping us into thinking that someone else is going to fill in for whatever deficiencies we have… or become, psychologically, the perfect parent we never had…

But damn, I’m still programmed internally to hone in on the woman from several years ago…

We FINALLY talked about the ex! I didn’t expect to be addressing it this weekend, but events led to a real talk about it.

It’s fine to see her at parties and run into her occasionally (hmm…or is it?!), but this time it intruded on our personal time together, which is limited enough as it is. And that’s what truly bothered me.

S was basically clueless about the stress that it can cause. On top of that, I try not to say anything. He said, ‘I’ve seen you guys before, you’re all chatty and stuff.” I finally told him, it’s not really like that. We manage to talk because we’re mature adults. But she’s said things to me that subtly let me know I’m on her turf. She might not even realize that she’s doing it.

He said, he didn’t know it was on that level. And that I don’t have to worry, despite comments from her, it’s really his turf, and he wouldn’t want to cause me hurt. By the end we were laughing.

I’m so relieved. I really didn’t know how this was going to go. He’s so “go-with-the-flow” about things, I guess I was afraid he wasn’t going to understand and would just keep going on the way things were. It seemed that it was destined to be a real (and first) point of conflict and contention.

The change in my music class meant I was in BF’s area. So, I went to his place after class and we ate spaghetti, though it was 10:00 at night! It was a long day of work and driving to class, and then singing for an hour and 45 minutes, not to mention teaching all day for him and also an hour of driving home. I told him I don’t know about this Monday schedule. To which he replied, “Yeah, but this way I get to see you.” What more did I need?!

are the best. Especially the ones who really know you and can help put things in perspective.

One of my oldest friends was in town last week, and as is usual we talked about ‘guys’ and all that. She’s met my BF a few months ago, and I told her about how, though things are going really well, I create all kinds of stress for myself. I don’t want to miss him because I feel he doesn’t miss me as much, etc.

In just a quick moment she summed up the situation. She said, “Well your last relationship was full of uncertainty, and you’ve just learned to associate relationships with doubt.”

When I read even my last entry it seems SO PATHETIC. I hope I am overcoming these worries.

I went through this exact thing last week. Though it’s not as bad this week.

But I just realized, as I went to make myself a cup of tea, that the issue is not that I’m afraid he won’t come to visit, but that he doesn’t WANT to come and visit. And I use all the power I have to make myself feel bad, and OY what a waste. Especially since I have so much stuff to do.

I have to stop using this as ammunition against myself. It also creates anxiety about the relationship. This could all be self-sabotaging, and I don’t want that.

S is coming down for a visit this evening. It’s been weeks since he’s been to my place (I’ve seen him at his place). I’m feeling kind of nervous. How silly!

I’m so aware of all the forces that make him tired and keep him away. I’m apprehensive that he’s got the energy to hang out. Or will his mind really be on work and tiredness? This is the havoc created by my self-doubt.

I will counteract these self doubts with a fantasitc meal! I just stopped by the farmers’ market near work, and bought lovely red heirloom tomatoes, grown only 20 minutes away in Scituate. Another table had basil. And there’s (always) a stock of garlic in the fridge. The tomato guy also had apples, so those (I need to add a few more) will turn into a crisp.

How could I question whether the really wants to see me? There will be ravioli with fresh roasted tomatoes and basil!

I am moving my relationship discourse to this goal. What a great opportunity to frame my thoughts in the positive, rather than under that heading “WORRY”.

As meditation7 writes in this entry, getting the relationship is just the start: http://www.43things.com/entries/view/1957484

Now it’s time to figure out the inner workings of this great relationship.