love myself and others unconditionally

Who helped me get through the night last night. I’m welling up with tears just writing this. You have no idea how much it helped to know that there were people somewhere out there who cared.

Oh dear, now I’m really crying. You’re all the best.

...to develop coping strategies for the times when we’re not getting exactly what we want.

The ways we react to our partners—so many times it’s like a little toddler stamping his feet and crying out in anguish. We try to teach our children to grow past that. We tell them to “Use your words.”

When he frustrated me in the past, it was easy to go down that childish path. It felt justified. Sometimes it seemed to be beyond my control. This lack of discipline is destructive, abusive and it’s a form of manipulation.

There was a time that I was completely out of touch with feelings: mine and others. In my early 30s I started to learn that having feelings (strong ones, scary ones, great ones) is natural and OK; I learned about expressing my feelings but because I was just learning it was too far skewed to be all about me. I made mistakes. I thought it was OK to criticize my partner because I was “expressing my feelings” and “my feelings are valid” etc.

But I know now that it’s HOW we express those feelings that count. You have to decide: do I love this person? Do I love this person enough to be objective enough so that we can talk about both of our needs rationally? It’s not always easy.

Back to my premise: what’s my coping strategy? Surrender to the idea that his needs/feelings and my needs/feelings are both valid—even when they conflict. Even when his reactions scare me, frustrate me, confuse me, don’t make sense to me. Stop judging his feelings! If he feels ‘em, he feels ‘em. Do this even if I fear an outcome that isn’t exactly what I envisioned for myself and/or for us. Letting go is so hard but I know that if I force my expectations onto a situation that only meet my needs, ultimately it will come crumbling down around us (and clearly that’s not what I want.) It’s difficult to keep that longer term vision in mind.

I’m going to do something that takes some bravery on my part. I’m going to write out my best qualities. It’s brave because I know it could be viewed as self-indulgent and egotistical – but it’s necessary! Sometimes I forget that I’m worthy of being loved and I want with all my heart to remember. I want to remember so that I can let go of the fear of losing the love of my partner when he’s not with me. I want to be able to give the man in my life his space. I want to be able to be separate and different without feeling that he can’t love me because I’m not just like him. I have grown so weary of this pattern. Needing him when he’s gone, pushing him away when he’s near. Resenting him when he’s loving or has his own needs and feelings. When my partner has strong feelings it can make me angry – at the very time that he truly needs compassion. Fear and anger are the antithesis of love – and I want to finally know and give deep, satisfying love. I will give of myself and push myself to love fearlessly knowing that I am safe. I am indeed lovable. So here goes – all the things I love about me…

Why I’m so easy to love – even from a distance:

I have a true desire to be the best person I can possibly be – to self-actualize so that I can give back to the world and leave it, if even in a small way, somehow better than it was when I got here 37 years ago.

I’m intensely perceptive and insightful – and I use these powers for good :) I can be extremely compassionate and helpful to those in emotional pain (I realize this seems to contradict what I describe above – but those nasty negative traits seem to only be triggered in love relationships and one time in a really intense (co-dependant) friendship.)

I have a gentle, reserved manner.
I can be quite funny at times.
I am sensual and passionate.

I have a quick mind – and my thinking can be flexible. I can make decisions and take risks: I could be a great criminal or a fantastic Project Manager. I chose the latter :)

I can be extremely patient and giving. I can generally rise above my impatience in the moment and see a clear silver lining. I know that tensing up one’s muscles and pounding on one’s steering wheel in traffic doesn’t get anyone to the destination any faster. I’d rather bliss out to some great music and know that I will eventually get there. I love that about me. I love my flexibility and patience. My kindness and compassion. I’m a good person.

I vow to remember this.

When he is not with me, it’s not a validation of my worthlessness. I don’t need to change anything about my interests or intellect to be a better person for him. To be truly loved by him. I don’t need to lash out and try to keep him in my sight. I don’t do that with my kids. I don’t do that with my friends. I’m open and giving and kind to all these people. I want the person I love most in the world to experience the same thing. To show my true self – my glorious true self. :)