lighten up

I can tell I’m forming a new care-free attitude in one of the stressful parts of my life… my relationship. It’s gotten to the point where I just don’t blow up anymore when he does stupid things. Oh you stayed out last night instead of staying with me like you said you would? Eh, whatev. I had more fun than if you were with me anyways. lol

That sounds horrible, but seriously. This relationship is a ticking time bomb and it has been for three years. I’m just waiting it out.

I was very grumpy today and I kept thinking, I need to just lighten up, but I just couldn’t help but be mad about what my boyfriend and I were talking about. Needless to say, I’m going to have to keep working at it.

I’m actually a very, very carefree person, but there are some things that just get me so overly stressed out and sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. It’s a vicious cycle because I know that if I could get myself to relax, then I could take care of whatever is stressing me out, but I get worked up and can’t chill out, so it’s harder to do whatever I need to do which stresses me out even more.

yeah, this is a problem. about to give myself a damn ulcer.

I need some less serious things to do. I like these:
be able to fake an Irish accent, hitchhike across the galaxy, be kissed everyday, sit up straight, have superpowers, wink, tip my hat to the ladies, take pictures in a photobooth, drink Guinness in Dublin

i need help lightening up- i take everything so seriously and am constantly thinking what an idiot i am. last night i blacked out drinking AGAIN and i just feel like such a failure. God has blessed me with so much, and i just keep taking stupid risks. i can only imagine that God must just be disgusted with me.

I want to. I need to. But I can’t seem to find the switch. HOW does one NOT take themselves so seriously if they at present fail to do this?

Any suggestions….besides jesus. ;) I enjoy getting nailed.

leave work at work… stop obsessing about being perfect all the time.. get regular massages… smile more.. I’m working on it!

Yesterday, with very little fore-thought, I chopped about 6-7 inches off my hair. It was almost boob length, and now it’s just above my collar bone. It just felt long, dry, and dead to me. In any case, it really feels like I’ve “lightened my load”. Oh! and it’s very bright, too…light blonde highlights with red streaks mixed in and my natural dark brown. I feel so refreshed! :)

Right, lighten up, starting now. Ready Set Go. Just do it. I have the greatest opportunity in the world. I can be as selfish as I want to be since no one else is around. There are no other feelings to consider at this very moment so I need to relax and lighten up.
I’m not at work, I can be myself so I can lighten up. It just seems weird being alone. I never ever have been a person who has lived alone. Kids at 18, married at 24. Divorced at 40. Married at 42. Separated at 45.
Maybe not taking everything so seriously and lightening up it will be ok. I can do this and if i can lighten up maybe even have some fun in the process. Lots of people live by themselves and are perfectly happy, or so they appear.
So thinking of some ways to relax… stop worring about the bills. If I run short of money for deposits and first time bills ect. obviously I’ll just write a bad check. The bank will cover it and I’ll catch up the next month when I have less bills. Ok that problem is solved.
What else, Choking- I probably won’t choke and die just because no one else is here. Work will come looking for me anyway.
If I fall and I can’t get up I can call 911, thats why we carry cell phones.. what else is keeping me from lightening up.
Eventually I will tell my family that I moved… its only been since Christmas and is it really anybody elses business but mine? Why is an address important? Ok thats settled.
Someone really needs to check the oil in my car and I guess that someone would be me. Tomorrow, first thing I promise myself to figure out how to open the hood on this car and get that oil checked. I have had the thing for a year now and its time. Next week its going in for an oil change too. What else.
Screw this bad day and remember what is good about life. I am ok. Nothing a bubble bath and a glass of wine won’t cure. What a great idea.