Keep passing the open windows

I went to a free counseling session today. I was hoping for some insight into how to make this awful pain and anxiety I feel in my heart and stomach go away. I didn’t get any obvious answers. At the end of the session, he just said that I was in for some ups and downs. I asked him if he had any advice, and he recommended a book “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.” I ordered it this evening, and it should be here Wednesday.

I can’t say the session wasn’t worth it. I got to talk about myself for a full hour without having to worry I would put the listener off. He asked question after question, so I didn’t have to really think about what to say next. Everyone I’ve talked with before has wanted to know whether I’m going to hurt myself or others, and when they confirm that’s not the case, they leave me alone with my pain. He never touched on those things. He was actually interested in the hurt, and what sources of support I have available to me.

I didn’t feel better when I left the session this morning, but tonight I feel fairly good. Maybe it was the session. Maybe it was the workout at Curves. Maybe it was a good meeting late in the day at work and the compliments I received. Maybe it’s just time doing its healing thing. I do know I’m still in for some ups and downs, and weekends are the very worst.

I have another session in two weeks. I’m not sure what we’ll talk about, but maybe I’ll be able to tell him things are a little better.

I jumped and landed myself in a hospital. it was terrible. almost had to go back again. I am trying a lot harder now. I definitely have changed, though. I keep having nightmares.

According to this quiz, I’m severely depressed and need to seek professional help immediately. Hmmm. I could try to move my appointment up with a professional hair stylist.

Anybody else take the quiz? How’d you do?

We’re experiencing lots of changes at work because of a change in the people at the top of the organization. Change wasn’t unexpected, but it affects morale in a big way. People get upset about different changes, and since there are plenty of changes to go around, most people are stirred up about something.

One thing they’ve cracked down on is personal use of internet and equipment (including phones). That means I’m almost completely out of touch with people other than my coworkers during the day (very very minimal personal phone calls or email allowed). I’m sure that’s the right thing for the business, but it’s hard to explain to the people I talk to outside of work. That means the changes are not only affecting us inside, but affecting my relationships with people outside.

Work was already a change for me before the new people got there because I got a promotion Jan 1. I work and work and work and work and I get home late a lot.

All of this causes stress for me at work and at home. I still love what I do. I just need to learn how to handle the stress better.

My friend Christine posted on her blog a sermon delivered in a Unitarian church based on the Indigo Girls’ song ‘Closer To Fine’ [MS Word File]. I’ve always loved that song. And there are wise words in the sermon if you have time to read it.

From the song:

the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.

From the sermon:

If we are aiming towards something that makes us glad, deep down, something that brings us a smile, well, then we’re just fine. But if we’re aiming to please some ideology of completeness, some vision of perfection, then we’re going to keep feeling like our head’s against the board.

From the song:

The best thing you’ve ever done for me / Is to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life, after all . . .

In the movie One True Thing, Meryl Streep’s character tells her daughter (Renee Zellweger):

It’s so much easier to be happy, my love. It’s so much easier to choose to love the things that you have…. Instead of always yearning for what you’re missing, or what it is you’re imagining you’re missing. It’s so much more peaceful.

I wouldn’t say it’s easier. It makes for a better life, though, if you can master it. I’m trying to try.