be more courageous

embrace things

I started a page to record definate acts of courage. Things that are hard for ME that have taken courage. From last night I already have four things on my list. I can tell it will probably not be a list to share with anybody I know.

This could turn out to be a good thing for me to do.

People tell me I am already courageous, but if something is easy for me to do, then that’s not courageous. To have courage is to actually do something that is super hard for me to do. Maybe I will start a courage page in my notebook and record my courageous moments/actions so I can remember them and give myself credit for them in the future.

I want to be courageous enough to be myself, and to do so unapologetically.

I think I’m doing much better at this. (:
I am still afraid of new things and all that jazz but I do the things I need to do. I don’t give up; before I would have probably sought out a way to escape from difficult situations.
So, goal achieved! Emphasis on the word “more”, though. :D I still wouldn’t call myself a courageous person. Maybe some day. :) However, now I’m going to concentrate on being more confident.

Usually, I shy away from having to speak in front of our staff; however, I feel strongly that I need to in this situation. So, I’m putting aside my public speaking fears and doing what needs to be done.

First (non-school) week at the University of Tampere has begun
and I haven’t had any full-blown panic attacks. :>
I have been feeling anxious and distressed at times, but not immensely. I think I’m doing quite good, actually. Considering it’s me. :,D

I’ve made a decision to quit my job at the end of this year. I have had a couple of ‘freak out’ moments since making that decision. Even though I’ve probably had more moments of calm or relief, I still find my mind drifting to the things I will be giving up.

A little voice tells me I’m crazy to just let go of my income without a plan in place, and I go off on an imaginary speech with myself, my counselor, my friends about why I’ve changed my mind. Both moments this happened, I felt like I got a sign, or a nudge back in the other direction. Back toward my decision.

The first time, I googled “What should I do with my life” and found an article by Po Bronson, who wrote a book with the same title all about people who changed careers and found their true passions for life in the process, or followed their bliss. The article made me cry and inspired me once again to believe in my decision to change my life drastically. I also bought the book to read.

The second time was today. I happened to turn on Oprah in the midst of all this and the topic was “Are you truly happy?” They highlighted a woman who was the youngest female bank president on Wall Street. She made loads of money, but felt that in the 9 years (same amount of time I’ve been teaching) she worked on Wall Street she felt like someone impersonating a Wall Street Banker. She never felt at home, successful at her job, but never full in her spirit. She gave it up, and she took a 90% pay cut within the first year. What did she become? A trapeze artist!

My ‘freak out’ happened because I was thinking about salary (teachers don’t make much, but I do have my Masters and make a decent salary now), and as I looked at jobs I might take within that first year out, I figured I’d probably have to take a 50% pay cut. This will take courage and creativity, but it will not be impossible. The trapeze artist did it!

If I can move to Tampere and go to university and not have any panic attacks concerning all the new things that’ll come up, I consider myself pretty courageous.

(This entry was brought to you by the assistance of Nina, English translator in process <3)

I’m going to withdraw from Berkeley, and I haven’t even started yet. How, you might ask, is this courageous?
Well, let me tell you…
By going to Berkeley, and going through with my major, it is an easy path. It’s preset, all I have to do is take classes and then get my degree. Not an easy workload, but in a way, and easy decision.

Here it is: I love school, but right now, it’s partially for the wrong reasons. It’s the fact that on some transcripts somewhere, I can look and say, “I got a 4.0, I’m accomplished” not because it opens worlds for me. I forget almost everything I learn in school, and I need to take a break from the pressure of school to change this. I want to learn, and while this isn’t easy, I’m doing it because it is better. It feels better.
I need to live, on my own, experience life a little before I complete my degree.

This also goes under my “vivir” entry : )

So, once I’ve made this decision for sure, I’m going to mark this goal as completed. I should have made it more specific, because I think being more courageous is a constant goal for myself, one that can never be fully completed, but I need to focus on specific things now.