To be in a healthy, stable relationship built on love, trust, respect, and passion.

As much as I want this, I give up. It’s just not going to ever happen for me.

Everything is all wrong. I’m trying to be strong but I’m scared and my heart feels broken.

I apologize to all of my friends here. I will return when I can think clearly again.

Things have been feeling damn stable since Valentine’s Day. For some reason there’s just been less bullshit (and I think my mentally checking out of work since about then and now having left has really helped.) Good times.

Well… we sure are trying.

And we’re above water so far.

Kasra has really been a huge supportive help the last few days with the move, He has assembled and disassembled and moved and made trips to the trash and has listened to me start to freak out and then last night even made up the bed from the linens that were in the dryer while I accidentally slept on the couch. =)

I’m a lucky girl because my happiness matters heaps to him- even when he doesn’t know what to do to make me happy.

3 days Three days before he’s to come up, 5 days before I’m suppose to move in with him, I find myself challenged.

Interestingly enough, a moment ago I saw a freind’s away message of “Love is a mindfield, you take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess thats human nature, it hurts so much to be alone that we’d all rather blow-up than be single.”

To which I said to her, “In a very real way that feels true right now yet I do believe that there is a pretty great place worth getting to on the other side of the field. Or, perhaps the point is to skip through it together- pushing each other, pulling each other, and helping another put themselves back together again.”

And I think the latter part of that rings most true.

Why is this so hard?!

EDIT:

Answer: Distance! We get disconnected. Literally and figuritively and it’s so discouraging.

Less than 2 months. Less than 2 months. Less than 2 months.

What I need to do is… breathe… and believe.

I believe in us. We ARE excellent problem solvers together (when I don’t let my insecurities hinder me). We are very different but we are SO alike. I believe in our patience. I believe in our loyalty. I believe in our respect for one another. I believe that both of our top priorities in life are to make the other happy.

I trust him. I trust his truths. I trust his decisions. I trust his advice. I trust his faithfulness. I trust him with my heart. And my future.

We aren’t stable (I’m a Libra, don’t we all WISH scales were stable?!) yet but we are healthier by the day. He blew me away with our conversation tonight and I am so thankful because I was growing restless. Our path is long and we have plenty of time to enjoy it together.

My love and I ran away together this past weekend to one of my favorite little towns. I had an incredible time and it was so good to see him! We talked about some pretty deep issues and even shed a couple tears. But mostly we laughed and held hands and ate food… yum! I felt really heard this weekend. We felt very… whole. We really are great together. He deserves a lot more credit than he gets. A LOT more.

We started our own 43T list for our relationship! Okay, I did and he’s going along with it. =) But, he is willing and I appreciate that SO much. It won’t be long and he’ll cross over. ;P

In all seriousness, though, I think this will be great. So far we have two goals and they are pretty simple but simplicity is the greatest illusion. I can’t wait to see our relationship take off in a much more positive manner.

Am I even capable of this? I’ve never even been faithful to a partner. Kasra and I… we both have walls, terrible insecurities, and reside on opposite ends of the emotion spectrum. We love each other so much, though. And where there’s a will there’s a way, right?

I need to work on gaining his trust fully again. I need to lay off of the bad shit for a little while and point out the good things. If I set an example, he’ll get a second wind. And then, we’ll be in a good place to move back in together; to REALLY get to know each other again.

His letter tonight was awesome. I know how committed he is and how genuinely he feels. I need to step out on that ledge again and trust him. I need to let him know that its okay for him to step out on that ledge again, too.