deal with my anxiety

I’ve had the strongest urge to scream where nobody can hear me. Thank goodness for pillows, as I live far from the countryside.

I have suffered with panic and anxiety attacks for as far as i can remember am now 27 and STILL have them but i have not had one now for about 2years untill last week which i really had a bad one and now they just wont go away i am on medication (anti-depressions) from my doctor and also propranolol (to stop my heart racing which i have only just started i also have a phobia of vomiting ( so whenever i have a panic attack i think am going to vomit (which i never have done) so i dont no why i panic over that, but right now there stopping my life well ruining my life theres nothing i can do i only feel safe with my parents so i have been staying with them which is wrong as i will never get over them by running away will i? am just wondering if anyone out there can help me i have gotten over these before on my own but right now i dont feel i have the strenght to do it again am exhausted and very tired with them right now and just looking for the right way forward, i need to get beeter for my children and partner who has been so supportive but i just dont think he really unstands me as he has never had a panic attack xx x

I’m just moving it off the list for now. :)

he wants to put our relationship on hold because he wants to build his yoga practice. There are several times where I have had to wait around at my house to see him. It has sucked because it has been a punch in the face for my anxiety and it makes me the sucker. I made myself unavailable today and it felt great.

I told him how anxious it makes me when he makes me wait more than 30 minutes past the time he is due. He works all day and goes to yoga all evening. I feel like I have been erased out of his life. I feel like he has put all of his energy into doing yoga and now he doesn’t have any for me. I feel better now that we are ‘just friends’ but I also feel worse because part of me wanted this to work and I feel like he sabatoged the incredible connection that we had. I respect his yoga practice but it is hurtful to be kicked aside for something else.

I feel like he is trying to compensate for needing a break and I respect that. I feel like he feels bad for his decision and I feel that part of that is coming off as being artificial which is more hurtful than being honest. I think that I still have a really great chance of friendship with him, but don’t know if I can trust him if he wants to be in a relationship at the cost of the possibility of being tossed aside again the next time something good comes along.

seems to be the best antidote so far. I find that when I stop going to the gym even for a few days I can feel my anxiety creeping up the floor boards. I have to stay a few steps ahead of it by exercising several times a week or it consumes me and I am useless until I figure out how to get out of it’s clutches.

finding enjoyment in petting dogs that are tied to parking meters outside. One barked at me today but I think that I startled the dog. I don’t think that there is any such thing as anxiety—I can live in what ever reality I choose.

I also went to the gym today. I don’t know what happens when I go there but my anxiety is much more manageable when I am going regularly. Stopping things that make my life good make my anxiety go off the charts and then I have a hard time getting back to where I was. It’s hard to let myself be happy sometimes but I will never stop trying and will always pick my sorry ass up.

A lesson is repeated until it is learned.

I feel that so many things are getting pulled out from under me and right now. Life is supposed to be sweet and wonderful, not dark, cold and an asshole. My job is gone, boyfriend who I absolutely adore has been all over the place, I don’t know how I am going to pay my rent. I feel like I am being shaken for all I’m worth and I don’t know how much more I can take.

Adavan helped me sleep last night. It was a rough one. First time in my life a boy has made me cry.

It’s been over a month and I am still jobless. This has totally caused the anxiety factor to go through the roof. I know that I will find something soon, because I am optimistic like that, but it’s really frustrating living in a french city sometimes. I do not speak french and need to learn how so that I stop missing out on so much here.

the metro was packed today and I didn’t want to be crammed in so I just waited for the next train.

Getting there, thanks to friends and boyfriend.

And drink.

And smoke.