Well the church I had my heart on sucked. It was perfect in every way, except that the lower level was submerged in about a 1/2” of standing water that had seeped in from the outside, and the black mold all over the drop ceiling was kind of a turn off too. But man, had it not been like that it really would have been perfect, which made it suck even more. So now I need to reevaluate what my plan of action is. Actually, I’ve kind of been evaluating all of my plans.
The ex wants to move to a city about 30-40 miles away. The city is an ultra hip, very cultural, very cool town, and it’s an exciting place to be. In actuality, it’s probably the coolest city in MI. If she moves there, thats really going to put a strain on the whole shared custody thing once the girls start school (assuming she calms down and can get hear head back together and I don’t have to go for sole custody, which I really, really dread doing, but very well may have to do…still, for now let’s assume I don’t)
So anyways, the only way the custody thing could work if she lived there is if I lived there too. And I haven’t really thought about it much, but I went out with a friend of mine the other night who lives there and we had a blast. Now granted, she’s a blast to hang out with anyways, but the town itself is cool too, and if I wanted to pursue the bookstore than realistically that would be the city to do it. So I’m thinking about making a move.
And now for this next part. I’ve been kind of reluctant to spend much time thinking about this, but the fact is it’s there, and if I’m going to be able to figure out what I’m doing with my life I really have to be honest with myself. So here it is. I have been in love with a girl for years and years now. We have a really long drawn out history, and have always just kind of assumed in the end it would work out. When we’re together we’re perfect for each other. We do nothing but laugh, literally. She talks just as much shit as I do, and is probably the most sarcastic and smart ass girl in the world (and I’m a sucker for that shit, lol). She’s just always seemed perfect for me. Always. until now. And this is kind of hard to explain, and to be fair I’m not giving her the benefit of the doubt, and it’s possible she may surprise me. But in looking to get this church, and the bookstore and what not, I’ve had to face some of my…eccentricities. Or rather, face the fact that these days I am growing more and more eccentric. So much so that it’s getting difficult for the people around me to understand. I’ll try and elaborate.
I have always been eccentric. always had little ‘quirks’. But I also had two very normal older brothers who used to pretty regularly punish me as a child for every eccentricity they could find. This led to me learning how to hide my ‘off-side’, and behave in a very normal way. So what happens is when I meet people they think I’m a pretty normal person. Over-time though, little bits and pieces of my eccentric side slip out, which is hard for people to understand, because they don’t realize I’m eccentric. If they did, I guess they would expect that kind of thing, but they don’t so it makes it seem weird. When I was with my wife she struggled to understand me, because I kept most of my crazy bottled up. She used to think that I was weird, but I don’t think she understood the extent of it. But she was always around, so I felt the need to always keep it in check. These days though, she’s gone, and I feel free to act and live as I feel is natural, so my offside has kind of come flooding to the surface, and is steadily increasing. Long story short, I’m becoming really eccentric lately.
Now, that said, I mentioned earlier that I went out with a friend the other night. She’s a great girl, but has always been a little…off, lol. Only she’s never felt the need to hide it. I always used to think, man, that girl would be perfect, if she was just normal. But I got to thinking about it while we were out the other night. About how cool it was when I told her about what I was trying to do she thought it was cool, and how she didn’t take that extra second before responding to give me that look as if to say ‘is he serious or is he fucking with me?’ It didn’t come across as weird to her at all. Whereas, I haven’t felt comfortable even telling this other girl about what I wanted to do, because I know it wouldn’t conform with how she saw me, or us. And that has really had me thinking.
I guess I’m just starting to wonder if it’s more like “she would be perfect for me if I were normal”. But like I said, I haven’t given her the benefit of the doubt, and I should. I mean hell, I was pretty weird when she met me all those years ago, and she was cool with it then. But that was a long long time ago. well over a decade. I just don’t really know. I guess what it comes down to is I need to spend a little more time with her, being myself. And thats a tough thing to do. I’m not a very insecure person, but I am around her, and thats a really weird feeling for me. But hell with it right? It sounds cliche, but ultimately I just gotta be myself and do what I want to do, and I guess the rest will fall in place.
Man, that is not what I planned on writing about when I started this…
