CrunchyBread7. Singing in Church
Today I had a high social anxiety morning. I felt like bolting from the service in church, and if I didn’t have to sing with the choir I would have. It was one of those times when it feels (wrongly—this is just my jangled emotions twanging) like the whole world is screaming and staring and laughing at me, and it’s almost a physical pain. I almost asked my friend sitting next to me to hold me in a tight hug because I just wanted to sob.
Then we, as a choir, started singing. It’s a song called “Faith is a Forest”.
As the music swelled I gave myself up to the singing. I put myself inside the lyrics and tried to comprehend them and sing them as if they were my own words being spoken for the first time. It came out as a prayer, especially lines like “Mercy be my guide as I seek my way. Lead me into this tender day. Strengthen compassion in all I do and say.”
I’m an atheist, and do not believe in any form of god at all. But I do believe in touching a spark of something … you may call it Divine… within. Something that lifts one out of self-consciousness, and transports us into a greater awareness. In that greater sense there was no fear, such as plagued my individual shell. There was only a sense of being a part of a greater whole, which is more a way of being than it is a thing to be.
This peace infuses me when I touch those moments. It is a peace which I know confounds people, and which many people seek. I could feel the eyes of the congregation on me. I hope I do not come across as egotistical in describing this. My only hope while singing was that I could communicate as much as possible with my face, my posture, my intonation, diction, dynamics, everything I could bring into the song… that same meaning of hope and peace and belonging to other people.
Afterwards I felt quite comfortable sitting through the sermon. My anxiety left me totally for the rest of the hour.
After service many people approached me and complimented my singing. They often say they can hear me personally, though I don’t think that’s true. I’m only one voice in the choir, and I’m pretty sure I blend well. What I think they really mean is that they see my face, and hear the song in their soul in a way most choir singers cannot communicate.
It is an odd phenomenon, but when singing in choir often one loses a sense of the meaning of a song while trying so hard just to hit the notes of a song. The words become a blur. You sing the syllables, but don’t even notice the sentences. When I bring meaning and reality to my singing it always moves people.
That is my happy memory for today. That I have this gift which I am able sometimes to share with people. I can help them find joy and peace and depth and meaning in a song they may have heard a hundred times before. 5 hours ago
