Overcome my fear of success

So, I think I’m afraid of success. I’ve been trying to finish school for 7-8 years now, and haven’t done so. A few months ago I started investigating the possibility that I’m ADHD, and have even been taking medication for that. While I still think I have some form of ADHD, someone recently brought to my attention the possibility that I’m self-sabotaging because I’m afraid of success. I’ve spent a few days thinking about it and I think he’s absolutely right.

I found a great article by Steve Pavlina that gave me some ideas for where I can start: Fear of Success: What will happen if you succeed?. As Pavlina suggests, I’ve started mapping out the pros and cons of my ideal version of success. Turns out there are some pretty big cons, some of which I hadn’t really considered fully, which, I’m now convinced, is why I’m so afraid of them. Really starting to think about which of my fears are irrational and which are rational (and which of the rational fears have practical solutions I can begin to implement now) will really help me to deal with this, I think.

I appreciate any support or suggestions everyone else can provide. Cheers!

that it’s not really a fear of success that is standing in my way.

I think Hydra hit the nail on the head last night. He was so sweet, making sure I really heard him, and said that he thinks—well, all kinds of really wonderful things about me and my abilities—and that all I lack is self confidence.

It really hit a chord. I think this may be true. I always thought if I just had a chance, I would succeed. Then I had this great chance with my book and my agent, and it didn’t work out. And I think that really knocked the stuffing out of me.

So I think I’m going to mark this as done and add something to the effect of regaining my self confidence. I am feeling a little old and unaccomplished lately.

Oh, and thanks everyone for all your cheers on this goal. 82!!

“Success means we go to sleep at night knowing that our talents and abilities were used in a way that served others.”
- Marianne Williamson

I’m doing it again. I’m setting myself up for failure at work. I finished last week on a strong note and already today, I’ve wasted a bunch of time on-line. When I finish this entry, I’m going to avoid the internet for4 hours and see how much work I can get done!

Is this just avoiding the novel, or a really workable idea? To work part time on the novel and part time on articles, etc.

Fear. Where’s that coming from? Fear of trying what I always said I wanted to do and failing. Sheesh. I have the time right now.

For too long, I have been afraid of success. I make a good living but I have always found a way to sabatoge myself just at the time that I should be breaking through to greater success. Why? Because deep down, I thought that I didn’t deserve it. In 2008, I will not procrastinate too much or sabatoge myself. I am going to stay focused and not obsess about the past or the future. I will be grateful for everything in my life and I will be successful! I will deserve it!

I have to admit that I am afraid of success. There is really no other explanation for why I purposely sabatoge myself whenever things start to go really well. I’ve managed to mess up just about every good thing that has happened to me. Some of the stupid things i did in High School or College many years ago still haunt me. In the workplace, I also sabatoged myself and became sidetracked numerous times during my career. I know that it is a low self image thing but I really want to stop doing this before it’s too late.

This occurred to me upon waking this morning. Like my more practical goals, this one is not going to be achieved without some work on my part. Just wishing it so doesn’t work for cleaning my house, so why would it work for a more spiritual goal?

So, in response to JudithKD’s suggestion that I am successful right now, I wrote down all the ways I could come up with that I am successful right now. I’ll spare you the details, but I came up with nine.

I also wrote down reasons that I fear claiming success right now. I’d say the biggest one is a fear that if I feel successful right now I will lose all ambition. I never really thought of it this way before, but…my dad had very simple goals: to be a good person, to raise kids and raise them right, and to pay off his house. About a year after he paid off the house (all the kids raised and doing all right), he had his first heart attack. Could not having goals to achieve have had something to do with the next seven years of not really following the rules that might have kept him alive? He died at 62 after several more heart attacks.

If you say you are successful how do you set the next goal? If you say you are successful, what are you now obligated to achieve?

I started to think about what my standards for success are, and whether they are reasonable. I think maybe not. I have this fantasy of supporting myself as a novelist. Eh? What kind of craziness is that? The writers whom I most admire do not do this! As much as I enjoyed his early work, I don’t want to be Steven King. I want to be like Andrea Barrett, or Karen Joy Fowler, or Amy Bloom. All of them teach to support their writing habit. I just chose a different day job.

All this still scares me, right now, writing this. It’s hard to give up a security blanket even when you’ve been told it’s made of materials that are not really good for you anymore. It’s hard to tread the fine line between healthy self-reliance and hubris.

This all leads me to wonder what it would be like to wear the mantle of success. To walk in the world with the idea in the back of my mind that I am a success. In keeping with other goals here, I am going to do this for the next four days. I am going to “act as if” and pump my brain with “you are successful right now” and see how that feels.

Thanks for prodding me on this, Judith!!

that I have had a measure of success this year.

Hmm. Maybe it’s not so scary after all. In fact, it feels pretty good.

What are my fears, exactly? That I will change into someone I don’t like anymore? Probably not. I’ve stayed me through a lot of stuff.

Probably more a lack of control. I can keep my current life in hand because it’s fairly predictable.

Or maybe a fear of the unknown. What does it look like, this success? Does it include working as a writer day in and day out and am I up for that?

I may be getting a taste soon. If I am unemployed by the WGA strike I will have a trial run at one of the side effects of success that I’ve always dreamed about and wondered if I could live up to: having days on end to write.

Maybe trying to interrupt my negative thinking when it arrises on a regular basis will help.

I would like to have a little success in order to face this fear.