become a better person

Im not mean but i can be.I have a problem not letting things go, that slows down my day,life and other goals i have set for myself.

“It’s not going to be walk in the park.”

I don’t normally go to church. And whenever I do decide to go, I only do it because I just want a change in atmosphere since I spend most of my time at home slacking off in front of the computer, or watching TV, maybe sleeping? Nothing productive lately.

So yesterday, my sister bugged me about me coming with Mum and her to church. And so I carried my butt off the chair and headed towards to shower to get ready.

When I hopped in the car, everything was ok. But then my mum started to talk about how she’s tired of my sister and I. How we’re killing her slowly by giving her something to yell about every time.

I was furious deep inside. I was really outraged. How can she still find something to yell about when I’ve decided to stay in my room the whole day, avoiding any conversations with her or with anyone so that she doesn’t get to find a reason to yell and scold me like she does every time?

I told her, “Mom, you know that I’m the reason why you get so upset and very angry every time, you know that. Why don’t you let me go? Make me move out? Whenever I try to tell you that I’d be better off moving so that you wouldn’t have to yell anymore, you don’t approve of that. So I stay. But you yell and get angry all the time! And you know you don’t want that. But you don’t want both things? Where am I supposed to put myself in this situation?”

And we had a screaming fight in the car. I do answer back, and I know it’s disrespectful. I couldn’t contain my feelings anymore, that the two words just came out, “Fuck You.” And my mum broke down in tears.

I couldn’t believe that I said that. I was in a guilt trip on the way to church. When we finally got there, I said I wasn’t in the mood for church, that the devil in me has taken me over and I’d be a total hypocrite if I’d sit inside the church and hear mass considering what I just did and how negatively heavy and angry I was with the world. My mum again, as usual, flashed me her angry look and of course, my reflex to that would be do what she wanted even if it was against my will.

And so I dragged myself out of the car. My sister helped me out with my crutches and all. We were talking about how I really don’t wanna hear mass and how mad I was at her.

So we finally got to our place and as I entered the church, people stared me down, probably noticing how inappropriately dressed I was for church. I was wearing a baggy shirt, jeans and sneakers, by the way. As I took my seat, my mum stared me down, showing me how mad she was at me. And of course, human as I was, that made me guilty as ever.

I decided to listen to the priest, participate actively in mass (which isn’t really normal for me. lol). Time seemed to fly by so fast. It was time for communion. You know how you’re supposed to pray and talk to God after taking the host, or the body of Christ? So I did that.

It was actually one of those rare moments in my life where I actually am very serious with something that I’m doing. I was actually talking to God. Thanking him, apologizing, asking Him to help me bring me back the life I used to have, praying for my Mum and the sickness she’s going through right now. I really was praying.

When I opened my eyes, I didn’t realize that I was actually CRYING while PRAYING. And the people around me, including my Mum (she looked pretty surprised to see me in that state) were staring at me, most probably thinking that I really meant my prayers. That made me feel good inside though normally I don’t care what other people thought of me. This was something else. ;)

When we got home, and when everyone went to bed, I sat on my bed thinking. I wanted to do something for a change. A BIG CHANGE, a permanent one in my life.

So I called my boyfriend up, I decided that he was the first one who I could mend things with. He was out with his friends, I knew because I heard them in the background. I asked him to find a place quiet so that we could REALLY talk.

I apologized for being the horrible person that I was. I said sorry for the times when I always had to pick up a fight even for the littlest things, and all he did was to take the insults and names that I called him, to never fight back. I said sorry for the times I intentionally made him jealous and when he said nothing, I asked him if he was jealous, and he’d say, “No.” When we both knew he was. He was just trying to make it seem like he’s not because when he said he was, I would pick up a fight. I know, mean right? I apologized for EVERY SINGLE THING that I did.

I also told him how lucky I was to have him. How every girl would kill to have a boyfriend like him. How he’s one of a kind. How guys of types like his were one out of a million. How crazy I was to treat him like crap, someone who was better off with someone who treated him the way we was supposed to be treated. And how thankful I was that despite everything that I’d done, he still was there, loved me unconditionally.

I told him that I wanted to change. Every single detail about it. But having a total change in my life doesn’t happen over night. That I actually have to give up some things in the relationship for me to reach that important goal, which is change for the better in my life. I told him how we wouldn’t be able to speak much on the phone (which is the only mode of communication we have since we live far away after I moved out of his city months ago).

After everything I said, I knew that he would feel somehow offended and betrayed finding out that I’m willing to risk the relationship for something that would make only ME better for the most part. But I was wrong. Again, I was wrong. He told me that he supported me all the way and that I’d still see him standing there when I’ve successfully rebuilt me. I was so happy. I was ecstatic. He really was SOMETHING. :]

He told me to go to confession, and plan some stuff for my Mom. Something that would tell her that I’m willing to change for the better, something that would prove to her that I’m apologetic for every thing, for every pain that I’ve caused her. He also wanted me to wear a scapular (a necklace of the virgin mary) like he did. He read what the scapular said, “Whoever dies wearing this scapular shall not suffer eternal fire.” That’s what it said, or something similar to that. :P

So now I’m pretty motivated to move forward. It’s not going to be a walk in the park, we all know that. But I know it’s worth more than anything to do something that would bring happiness to myself and others. :)

Wish me luck!

- peafreak

if everyone starts thinking more about others instead of focusing on ourselves we can become better.

i know my faults. now why cant i get rid of them?

I really am an awful person and I can’t seem to bring myself to becoming a better person

become better than you were yesterday. put yourself in other people’s shoes, open your heart and stop being judgmental. find things to be grateful for and learn to love life. be respectful, love yourself, and treat others the way you would want to be treated. live in the present, because living in the past or future is going to make you forget about your present life. your present creates your past. and remember it’s all a matter of perception, the way you view the world, whether you’re confident or not, it is all your brain power. do good deeds, and, if you believe in karma, good things happen to good people. volunteer :)
have an awesome life, and remember every obstacle is an opportunity for you to learn something new, it’s like a new window full of surprises. take a risk and you won’t regret it.

Goal as of:
JUNE 14TH, 2009

My friends try to tell me I am a good person, However, I know myself better than they do. I have to strive to be better. I need them to be honest with me when I do do something that upsets them. I need them to support this goal but they are to worried they will offend me. How do you get people to be honest about when you are not being the best you can be?

first i need to stop being mean. ha . yea.

I felt so good being a part of the 8:30pm-9:30pm lights out to save the world. Good job on everyone who supported.
XoXo