Fill in the blank spaces on my canvas

Current topic up for discussion at counselling is “why I don’t value myself”.

This seems to have been an ongoing issue for me. I think it’s how I managed to stay in my first crappy relationship for so long (about seven years)... and then move on to, and marry, someone who valued me even less than I did.

I’ve always tended to assume that people won’t remember me, and so with that in mind, I usually reintroduce myself (e.g. “Hi, it’s LL, from blah blah”). When I first got to know some of my wonderful friends from uni, there were some whom I counted as my friends, but I doubted that they would consider me as their friend. Even here, to begin with, I was intimidated by the amazing people I came across.

I have been making headway… I have more of a belief in myself now, I know that my friends value me, and I don’t feel quite so ‘forgettable’. I’m certainly much more likely to just jump in with weirdo comments here, with minimal hesitation.

The miserable moments of late have helped identify this as an issue I need to sort through… as I’ll be leaving town in December, we’ve moved the sessions up from fortnightly to weekly, to give us a really good opportunity to thrash it all out.

was inspired by the counselling session the other night.

One of the major realisations I’ve had over the past couple of years was that I’d been trundling along through life, with no real sense of me. I’d started to work it out a little when I went to university, and I began to develop some strength in myself… but there was still this very real feeling that I was merely a shell, having nothing of any substance within. My life seemed to have a huge hole… endless, and insurmountable.

We were talking about this the other night, about how far I’ve come in the last few years… particularly in the time that Sue’s known me. I still feel that there are some gaps, but I couldn’t quite find the words to explain it.

Sue’s analogy was that it was as though I still have a few blank spaces on my canvas… which summed it up perfectly. Rather than having the boundless hole to fill, this is much more defined. It’s measurable, in a sense… it takes into account what I’ve already achieved… rediscovering old passions, discovering new interests, and finding new direction. It makes the remainder seem so much more positive… and much more do-able.

When it’s completed, I’ll finally have a picture of me. Not perfect by any means, and certainly something I can continue adding to and refining… but it will be me.