Some of my fear is not mine. It comes from misunderstandings of when grown-ups warned me of the hazards of this and that. I understand now. I know the hazards. I weigh out risks. Sometimes I choose to do the thing anyway…because it’s worth it.

A friend told me that fear is like worrying that you’ll trip on roots when you go for a walk in the forest. Yes, there are roots. Yes, you are afraid. But you are not walking in the forest just so you can trip! You have intentions of enjoying the forest and the walk. And that matters! 1 week ago

I am good at predicting the bad outcomes. That is, I worry. About failure and success. About being forever limited by fear. For example, if I exercise, I could hurt myself; if I don’t, I could also hurt my health.

I’ve been getting the sense that I need to own my feelings. So starting with feeling the fear seems good. Mindfulness practitioners say that noticing an emotion and the “mental formations” behind it, helps you realize it is fleeting and it gets smaller and fades away. I am sure acting helps. 7 months ago

And stayed up the night before, not wanting to go to bed, because tomorrow will be different? It happens to me a lot, before final exams, before traveling, before big events.

I hate beginnings, I’m always scared of them, while others are excited. I hate beginnings because I know it means that something else is ending. And beginnings are unknown, something new, something strange, something that I can’t really prepare for.

Sometimes even small changes can make us nervous. And while others might say, ‘don’t be nervous,’ I think it’s better to let it come, because we can’t fully get rid of it. Even for small things, we should think of ourselves as explorers, full of courage, daring to charge into the great unknown. 8 months ago

Find me here if you’d like to visit.

Thank you, friends for your notes and encouragement over the years.

Hopefully it’s not too dramatic to say that interchanges on 43 has had a profound impact on my life. Basically, I learned how to have respectful human interchange here.

There are some things I’ve said and done on 43 that I feel remorseful for and I do apologize to each and every person that I have hurt or offended on this site in the past (at certain points during my stay here, how I conducted myself was not strong and reflective, but reactive and at times hysterical…It was not my place to judge you or anybody else because we all suffer in life and we are all just human beings trying to find our way),

As you know—this place can bring out the best and the worst in a person and what a gift to be able to see ourselves more clearly!

There are some real breakthroughs and amazingly enlightening experiences to be found here, and I have had quite a few…including the opportunity to develop my writing skills, which has been incredibly beneficial in my life.

I hope to see you again…in the virtual world or elsewhere. ~Love / Gratitude ~Sonya 10 months ago

Started training at work for new position 11 months ago

RRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

So during the week I got an email from the volunteering bureau who received my application for an ‘activities support worker’; a position where I’d basically be overseeing/supporting someone through their physiotherapy/occupational therapy sessions. In the email I was told that I would probably be unsuccessful because I would only be able to offer 3 and a half month worth of my time.

And how do I feel about that?

Well, really mad actually.

Why?

Because first of all, this is not the first time I’ve applied for something on that website only to be told after I’ve spent time and effort filling in an application form that actually, the people who put the advert up haven’t bothered to put all their essential requirements in their advert. That pisses me off because their lack of effort, care and attention to what they’re doing wastes my time unnecessarily- it’s as if they think ‘well, it’s only a volunteer position’.

The other thing that pisses me off is that the reason that they aren’t willing to take someone on that can only work 3 and a half months is because they “have” to pay for CRB checks and follow up on references. Well I’m sorry to sound unsympathetic to this, but beggars can’t be choosers! It outrages me that they’re not prepared to make even the slightest contribution- they want to have their cake and eat it!! They want to have someone of a high calibre to work for them for absolutely nothing, demand that this commitment be for 6 months to a year and then not even be prepared to pay out £50 for admin costs!!!

In actual fact they are not required by law to have volunteers CRB checked anyway because they are never working on their own with an individual, but clearly they’re not willing to take that risk. Which is fair enough, but then they have to ask themselves whether it’s worth £50 and whether it’s realistic to demand that someone commit to at least 6 months of work.

GGGGgggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I know I’ve probably made myself sound like the most unwilling, conditional-helper out there, but all the red-tape really annoys me. I did get in touch with the volunteering agency and nicely asked them why organisations didn’t state their full requirements in their adverts and people could only be told AFTER they’d made an application. I was told that they “can’t upload it to the website” so I think really they meant ‘won’t’, not ‘can’t’, so I’m still none the wiser as to WHY.

Finally, as the last part of my rant, I would just like to say that I am mad at the volunteering agency because I was told I would need to contact all the organisations myself. So what was the point of me having to fill in the application form for each of them online then? Jesus. Volunteers have time to GIVE, not time to WASTE.

Grrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrrrrrrrr!!!! 13 months ago

Well today I spoke to BackOnCourse about resuming my University studies and what to do next about the funding issue. It’s a rather sticky and complicated mess as I need an old doctor of mine to write me a letter to prove that I withdrew from a previous Uni due to ill health…but I’m no longer registered with that practice so they don’t have my medical records. Even the best letter in the world (if he is willing to write it in the first place) doesn’t guarantee that I will be granted the money, but I’m keeping fingers crossed. At the moment I’m waiting for a phonecall back from said Doctor with more info.

Also today: I sent an email to remind my old Professor to write me a letter of personal recommendation so I can apply for the academic scholarship (which would solve all the above problems- and more- in a trice!) Let’s hope he pulls his finger out and writes a goodun!

Finally, the people from the CAB rang me back and apart from almost crying on the phone (how embarrassing) I found out that in my circumstances I can continue in applying for the Employment and Support benefit, but not the housing benefit. There would be dire consequences if I did…so glad the CAB are impartial!

EDIT: to say I almost forgot. I dropped a letter into the Chiropractors’ clinic about work experience this afternoon! 13 months ago

I heard back from the place I applied to for work experience and apparently they have had lots of applicants and aren’t able to take anyone else on. I wrote an email back and thanked them anyway. I do feel disappointed but I guess I’ve just got to keep looking forwards and contact the next place.

Heard back from St Stephens and apparently they’re going to get back to me next week after the bank hol.

Also got my copy of the Income Support form in the post today- several errors on it(!) and I’ve got to check whether I can backdate my payments to Feb. Which is a hassle and means ANOTHER trip to the docs but would be worth it if I’m entitled t the money I suppose. 13 months ago

OK, so it certainly doesn’t feel like it, but claiming an ‘employment support’ benefit is a really important step for me. It’s something I’ve never done before, but it feels a positive step towards increased independence from my parents. I phoned up this morning and found out it’s possible to have the payments backdated from February which would just be great. 13 months ago

I’m still bingeing and finding it hard (impossible?) to face all these fears without it, but at least I am getting things done.

Checklist:

• Still no reply from St Stephens

• Tuition fees: Handing in letter today to request evidence from my medical records

• Benefits: Got a Doctor’s appt. tonight at 6.30pm to obtain a doctors note to exempt me from work so I can get the incapacity benefit. The C.A.B are giving me a ring sometime in the week to discuss my issue with claiming the housing allowance.

• Volunteering holiday: filled out the forms and sending it off tonight with cheque

• Scholarship: a copy of my transcript is waiting for me and message has been passed on to Prof JC to write me a personal recommendation.

• Summer goal: applied to work as a steward for dance festival and have a free pass for 30 June.

• Contacted StartFitness and issue has been resolved

• Back pain: made an appt. for 12.30 tomorrow 13 months ago

OK, so I emailed St Stephen’s (no reply yet), called Back On Course (have a telephone appt. scheduled for Tuesday) and phoned Student Finance. With regards to the latter action, it turns out the situation is more complicated than I’d hoped. Apparently I will have to pay for two years tuition at full price unless I can prove that I withdrew for medical reasons in both cases. Last year shouldn’t be too difficult to prove as that was the official reason I intermitted and then left, and I do have enough evidence to substantiate the claim…but the other year is more difficult as I chose to withdraw for “personal” reasons rather than medical and don’t have any medical records that specifically reference my mental health.

When I first found out I just wanted to cry, but now I’m taking action and gathering evidence it doesn’t feel so bad. What I’m really angry about however is that through all the stress I had a massive binge today and consequently feel bloated, fat, sick and I’m obsessing about the weight I’m going to put on.

I feel so self-loathing and really bad about it. Yes, I faced the fear, but didn’t fully allow myself to feel it and move through it because I was too busy stuffing myself. I NEVER want to do that again. 13 months ago

I’m in one of those places where I’ve got lots of big worries hanging over me, but I know that denying they exist will only make me fall deeper into depression. I guess I know what I have to do, it’s just doing it that’s the hard thing.

My main worries are financial as it’s a lot to be asking my parents to pay out £300 for my rent each month when they’re barely earning anything and I’m earning nothing. I’ve also been contacted by Student Finance who say I’m not eligible for a tuition loan next year, even though I’ve previously had confirmation from elsewhere that I am.

I feel really helpless and weak at the moment, especially with having to assume responsibility for my life, but I know that the way forward starts with small steps.

So, today, a list of things I don’t want to do, but that I’ll just steam through:

• Go to Job Centre and ask about applying for Disability Living allowance

• Phone St Stephen’s Church Hall and find out the cost of the venue for OA meetings

• Sort out paperwork for Student Finance to check I have the facts right and call Back On Course for reassurance of this and how to proceed

• check to see that my StartFitness order was cancelled and I’ve been refunded 13 months ago