Step out of my comfort zone

yesterday was a really good day after a really shitty few days before. I had a load of work to do for friday for uni and was having a hard time getting it done and done well. Anyway i managed to produce something even if i still feel the quaility wasnt as good as sme others. Anyway we spent all afternoon waiting for each person to get their crit on a one to one basis. So everyone else was waiting out in the foyer area. At first i was just sitting by myself casue when i arrived there was no one else i knew. But then as the crit got underway everyone in the year was there and i was still on my own. I felt really lonely but not being the type to just strike up conversations with other i stayed where i was for a while. But i hate being like that and it makes me feel quite shit about myself so i just thought fuck it and moved. Went and found someone i knew and chatted for a bit with her. Went ok, but then she was called in no that long after and i was on my own again. Shit. So i ended up standing there for ages trying to look busy. But then as people were getting called in and leaving everyone seemed to move about and at one point this crowd moved right up next to me as if not even noticing or caring that i was standing nearby so again i thought “fuck it” and moved to someone who i’ve spoken to once before and as i walkd towardds her she smiled and waved so i felt better.

And thn when i came outo of my crit people were asking how it went and then i started chatting to someone else that i had never spoken to before and was actually able to hold a conversation! Like i feel these are really small things but its a bug deal for me cause im way too shy and want to be more comfortable around people. So i feel really happy that i actually managed to talk to folk where i was the one who started the conversation. Happy days!!

I’ve learned in the last year that even though I don’t mind exercising, my mind has a habit of stopping my body from pushing itself. If my mind says “you’ve had enough”, I stop. I realize I need someone else to be in charge of my body.

Last week, I got a 7-day pass to a woman’s only gym and I went to 4 different classes this week. Track, cardio, ball and Pilates. I’m happy to say I didn’t quit. I pushed myself, even if I wasn’t comfortable. During a step/dance exercise, I must have said “I can’t do this” outloud because the instructor said “Yeah, you can – and you are”. Everyone heard because she had her little microphone on….I sure couldn’t quit after that!

Last night, I did Pilates for the first time. My mind was fighting it – in my head I heard “you can’t sit up, your legs are weak” – but my body wasn’t listening. My body was doing (or trying to do) what the instructor was telling it to do – not me. Just what I was hoping for.

This entry could go under a few different goals but the end result of it is that my physical comfort zone is expanding. My body is learning it can do things my mind never thought it could do.
Here’s hoping someday my mind will take the lead.

Attended another wedding in a neighboring state.

Took half the Immodium I usually would have for a daylong trip. A step towards eliminating my reliance on it when travelling.

Had brief moments of accepting that I might have to go to the bathroom in public; that’s a first step towards losing all anxiety about it. I ended up not needing to, which I was happy about.

Drove to a place I had never been before/didnt know how to get to.

Attended the ballet alone.

but, i’m definitely making progress. being forced to is a lot of it… haha. i have to sing solo for voice class, and perform in front of my repertoire class… but also I think I am just a little more outgoing than I was at home. So good stuff.

Took a science course with lab last summer.

Attended a big arena concert alone.

Spent a day and a half with a friend.

Slept over at a friend’s house.

Spent lots of time in a rural area.

Got a 2nd part-time job (though it is temp and I had been to the office before, and I knew almost everyone who worked there).

Had 6 inches cut off of my hair.

Spent a weekend in another state.

Did a wedding reading in front of nearly 130 people.

Went nearly two weeks without spending money.

Drove downtown at night alone.

Went someplace I did not know the exact location or specifics of and got successfully in and out of the place.

Walked downtown at late night alone.

Attended a DJ concert at a nightclub alone.

Did not ignore, brush off, or walk away from a guy that was flirting with me.

Walked downtwon at early morning alone.

Attended the incredibly packed opening of a hip new restaurant.

Ate pink hamburger.

Tried a new drink. (confirmed: I hate vodka)

Am currently taking a science course.

Am currently taking a correspondance course.

I was recently asked to list what qualities I admired in others and ask myself if I had those qualities – and if not, why not. This is not usually something I’m comfortable with – finding the right words or even putting my feelings on paper.

I did come up with some: honesty, sense of humor, self-awareness, and sincerity to start. I believe I have some of these (some more than others) and now I have to write about it.

Thinking about my list, I asked a friend to give me 3 words to describe me. I guess to test my view of myself – and maybe my friendship? I braced myself for his responses. Would I agree? Would I understand – or accept – what he saw in me?

He replied almost immediately with the first word: sincere. I liked that one. It was on my list too and is a positive description. So far so good.

After some thought, he said the second word was obstinant. I laughed at that but agreed. I’m a Taurus – can you say stubborn? But I’d like to think I’m becoming more open to other people’s ideas or ways of doing things. I’ll give this more thought.

He struggled with the 3rd word. That worried me. Finally he said “promising”.

Perfect.

but I know it’s time to “step out” of it.

A friend recently said to me that he was amazed at how fearless I’ve become. I wasn’t sure what that meant. Me – fearless? I always associated being fearless with being reckless. I am so NOT reckless -I am methodical, everything planned, nothing taken for granted – therefore, nothing risked…

My fears, real or imagined, have stopped me from living the life I dream of. It’s time to start looking at my fears and work thru them. Some are basic and some go deep but if I don’t address them, I can’t get rid of them. And if I can’t get rid of them, at least I can work on them (fear of drowning? Become a more confident swimmer).

I have a magnet on my fridge of Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote…”We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot”.

It’s time I listened.

For first time in a long time I really feel well and in piece with myself, relaxed and satisfied. I started doing things which I had been postponing for years, like reissuing tickets(a part of my job) and driving. And it really feels good, that I am able to do the things, and they are not difficult at all, just for some reason I was avoiding them. And especially driving! It’s so good, and so fantastic that I don’t have to rely on taxis or others. I started eating healthier and don’t find comfort in eating junk food anymore. And I lost a little weight as well, but this is only the beginning of a long journey. And next month I’m moving to Italy to study, so there will be lots of changes in my life and I’m not afraid of them!

now i have this goal in mind and always when i have a task and i feel like giving up and sabotage myself, it reminds me about my comfort zone bubble and how boring it is to live inside a bubble. i think i’m on my way to get there.

I got blisters from walking so much!