“do what scares you” or “God hates a coward,” because those are two sayings that have always done right by me.
J and I have always jokingly used the phrase “God hates a coward” to force ourselves to take a big step—a trip we’re afraid to plan (or nervous about paying for), a move, a new job, etc. It’s kind of become our family mantra.
J and I got to see our good friend CT, who recently moved from our city to Brooklyn, while we were on our trip to New York. She was telling us that she signed up for a public speaking class, since it’s the thing that scares her most and she wants to make new friends now that she’s in a new place. I’m really proud of her!
She got me thinking a little bit about myself and what scares me, and the truth is…. I don’t really know. I mean, there are things outside of my control that certainly frighten me, but as far as things I CAN control, I have a hard time thinking about them. It’s also hard for me to distinguish between things that I’m actually afraid of and things that I just think are impossible, if that makes any sense.
So, list-lover that I am, I’m going to try to make some lists to better understand what I’m really afraid of and what would be healthy for me to pursue.
THINGS I’M AFRAID OF (but that would probably be healthy to do:
*Overnight backpacking (also affected by my laziness/time constraints)
*Performing my stand-up (I used to do this, but the venue I performed at closed down and I’ve been too lazy/timid/uninspired to find another place.)
*Reading my poetry somewhere
*Sharing my poetry with my ubertalented writer friends
*Writing a damn book already (also affected by my laziness/time constraints)
*Taking a language class (also affected by my laziness/time constraints)
*Taking another improv class (also affected by my laziness/time constraints)
*Trying exercise classes that I think I’ll be bad at (dance, cardio kickbox, advanced yoga)
I am starting to think that I’m not really so much afraid of most things as I am just too busy (and too smart—I’ve made this mistake before!) to overextend myself. I want to be careful with this list. Having downtime and not asking too much of myself is important.
And after writing this, I’m starting to think that I really am not an especially fearful person. You want to know what scares me more than any of these things? Teaching. I do it every day.
I guess I’m proud of the way I live my life. Regardless, it’s good to keep an inventory of what I keep myself from doing. Not because I must do those things, but just so I remember that I can. 5 months ago