be happy on my own..not having to rely on someone else for happiness

moving has been so hard! and yet I am daily reminded that many people actually have “real” problems, like kids, mortgages and health problems. Why is is so hard to remember all that. I have inwardly resisted this starting over process. But, to my credit, I’m mastering the concept and practice of baby steps! that is the only way I cam make it through even simple tasks like changing my address. Yes, three months later, I”m still just trying to get my address changed…..
I bought a small table and chairs last week, and just yesterday finally ordered a tv, and brought home a microwave from costco. having a table and two chairs actually improves my mood and makes it feel more homey and not so depressingly empty! But am I happy on my own…. Not yet. I still feel anxious and fearful and small in this big old world. It’s odd, so many times in life I feel bold, strong and courageous, I know those qualities are still within, they just don’t seem to be taking center stage right now. Fear and anxiety seem to be constant under currents. Work is a great distraction, but at the end of the day, I still come home to myself and the dis-ease of being right where I’m at. I’m trying to breath into that tightness in my chest, and just let myself dialogue with myself. I”m also going to go walk on the treadmill and get some blood pumping. I’ve started dating already, and I”m unsure about that too, too soon, too much of an escape. But it also is irresistable and good and nice and loving. That can’t be all bad. I”m still left wondering though.

I think I can honestly say I’ve reached this goal. I’m much more consistently happy than I’ve ever been and I understand where it all comes from now… Happiness is no longer this thing I pursue that’s outside my control or influence. I learned a lot from self-help books. In particular, I really liked the ones by Susan Jeffers. I also sought out a lot of “dating advice” because that’s where a lot of my insecurity was and still is. Most of what I found was worthless… interesting to read and kind of inspiring in that it paints a nice picture of “what could be yours”. But mostly it’s a bunch of guys saying “just do what I do”, “be like me”, but who don’t know or understand (or even recognize?) how to give you tools and show you the steps for getting from where you are to where you want to be. One exception was Carlos Xuma. I really liked his material because it ties success with women together with success with everything else in your life, and the real key is getting your shit together and being a whole, happy person in the first place. But I think it’s worth mentioning here (and I would highly recommend it to any one else here—women substitute in Christian Carter’s material) because even though I knew that looking for happiness in other people was not the right way to go, and that this was doubly true when it came to love/sex/dating, when it comes down to it, that stuff is important and is always going to be on your mind whether you like it or not. It’s good advice to “love yourself before trying to love someone else” and to avoid looking for happiness in a relationship, etc. But it doesn’t really work sequentially like that. So, for me anyway, listening to the Carlos Xuma material helped me channel all that thinking in a constructive way… It helped me see all the steps and gave me motivation for getting my shit together, pursuing my interests and having a balanced lifestyle. Some people reading this might say “shouldn’t those things be their own motivation?” and I would agree. I fully admit that at the time, the idea of being more attractive to women, being a better man because women would dig me because of it, was a stronger motivator than just wanting to be a better man for myself. But I think most people reading this would understand how strong that warped thinking can be. What can I say… it helped me start and stick to a process of improving myself and learning to appreciate and feel good about myself, and I feel good about that.

So pretty much. I’m up at school and i don’t have that many friends. I’m with an awesome boyfriend and we’ve been together for about a year and a half. But we’re stuck at the hip. We’re so used to having each other around that its become very familiar. For once i would just like to go a day or a few days without relying on him or anyone else for that matter. I just want to declare my own independence while being in a relationship especially since a year and half commitment is a long time. Im only 20 so i want to be more independent. Plus, theres a lot i want to do.
:)

I’ve been relying on something to make me happy, not someone. Wanting to be a full-time professional actor has been my goal, yet it’s something I depend on for my happiness. As much as I love it and am serious about it, I want to be independent of it so it won’t torture me like it does. I want to define myself away from it, to be happy whether or not I get many roles or not, to live every day even if the phone doesn’t ring with a casting director on the other end. I want to be independent of something outside of me.

I suppose the flip side of this goal is “realise that I can’t take responsibility for anyone’s happiness other than my own”.
I went to meet D in Kyoto for the cherry blossom season, but he had a kind of mental breakdown and I had to get the police to come and take him back to Nagoya with his family. He was talking and gesturing to himself, hardly aware that I was even there. It was so awful. I couldn’t believe it was him, or how this could be happening. The worst part was the looks I saw people giving him. I wanted to scream and shout at them that they weren’t even worth the shit on the bottom of his shoes, that he’d never been like this before, and that their hearts should be cracking down the middle like I felt mine doing as I watched him having a conversation with himself about how dangerous swimming pools were.
I’ve spoken to him since and he’s back to himself, though obviously terrified because he doesn’t remember anything that happened.
I’m very tired from crying about things I cannot change, and from trying to reason with myself and accept the fact that his happiness is not, ultimately, my responsibility.

Luckily when I got back this evening, Moose’s chocolate eggs were waiting for me. I don’t think I’ve ever needed a creme egg so much in my life.

Anyway, I may be away for a while. Many things need sorting.
Take care everyone.

i think you need other ppl when you’re stressed. when you feel like you’ve lost all control, a nice vent session can always make you feel better. i’ve lost that. when i call…. all i get are rings. and it’s not just the same number. i feel so alone right now. and i dont like hanging out with the fat ugly girl. i know my friends have issues too. and i feel guilty that i get upset that i cant call or when i do they dont answer or they never call back. i didnt think that me being here would ruin all of my friendships but that’s exactly what it’s done. and i’m not cool enough to make any new ones…. makes u think what the whole point of all this is…

today I was feeling pretty strong waves of grief about my relationship not working out despite effort, time, patience, enduring pain, yuck, yuck. Also, I want to have kids…. and I find it hard to want something and not be able to control or influence progress towards it…. Today was tough emotionally, but I did go to yoga with a friend and that helped I feel much better after breathing and stretching. So, must get back into more frequent yoga routine again, definitely need it right now.

pretty darn happy these days. life is good. I love it.

what a great way to say it

maybe its not that i dont want to be without him. maybe its because i think im only good enough for him. problem with that is that i dont even think im good enough for him.