still in progress — 4 days ago
moving has been so hard! and yet I am daily reminded that many people actually have “real” problems, like kids, mortgages and health problems. Why is is so hard to remember all that. I have inwardly resisted this starting over process. But, to my credit, I’m mastering the concept and practice of baby steps! that is the only way I cam make it through even simple tasks like changing my address. Yes, three months later, I”m still just trying to get my address changed…..
I bought a small table and chairs last week, and just yesterday finally ordered a tv, and brought home a microwave from costco. having a table and two chairs actually improves my mood and makes it feel more homey and not so depressingly empty! But am I happy on my own…. Not yet. I still feel anxious and fearful and small in this big old world. It’s odd, so many times in life I feel bold, strong and courageous, I know those qualities are still within, they just don’t seem to be taking center stage right now. Fear and anxiety seem to be constant under currents. Work is a great distraction, but at the end of the day, I still come home to myself and the dis-ease of being right where I’m at. I’m trying to breath into that tightness in my chest, and just let myself dialogue with myself. I”m also going to go walk on the treadmill and get some blood pumping. I’ve started dating already, and I”m unsure about that too, too soon, too much of an escape. But it also is irresistable and good and nice and loving. That can’t be all bad. I”m still left wondering though.






