be happy on my own..not having to rely on someone else for happiness

I am trying to learn how to create happiness for myself away from my boyfriend. I’ve not been very successful at it. Hopefully by the time he gets back I’ll no longer be so dependent on him for a smile.

I had such a good weekend, I actually felt happy to be single. It was a glorious feeling. I actually felt Happy! Can you believe it? It was wonderful. I think this year will be my golden year to spread my wings as an independent woman! Yay me!

i hate when he leaves me, i guess i hate when im alone it makes me feel sad because when my mom died i felt like she left me alone, i don’t ant to be alone but i want to learn to make my self happy and not need him

It has been so long since ive been well.. alone. The unsuspecting break-ups don’t you just love em :/ but i realised that i did depend on him for alot of my happiness he was just a huge chunk of my life and now i have to learn how to be happy on my own again… how hard can it really be? i mean there was a time when i wasn’t with him… although i don’t really remember so much of tht :/ hmmm kinda sad.. \its time for me to be independent and take happiness in my own hands!

i warned him that when im in nyc i’m unhappy. scary unhappy and asked if he was able to handle that. he said yes. but i dont think he’s ever had to experience this intensity of sadness before. he called this morning.. and poor kid tried to take my mind off of it and didnt succeed so tried to deal with it head on. he sounded like a dad talking to his daughter about her period. at least he tried. at least he didnt say my crying pist him off like the other one would. this just proves that i need to make myself happy and not rely on him to make everything ok.

we just had a conversation on clingy girls. i’m a clingy girl. i took what he said to me earlier in the week to heart and thought that meant spending every day with me before i left. it didnt mean that and i’m taking it to heart. i just want all the ppl i care about together (aka all the ppl who care about me) and have one last fun night but it looks like it’s gonna be me and one other person. oh well. it’s better than being alone. i just wish this overwhelming sense of disappointment wasnt so apparent inside.

I felt a bit lost last night when i realized, here is another weekend, alone, no plans, no one to hang with. And I thought that is the nice comfortable cushion of even a mediocre relationship, a buddy to take to brunch….Thankfully, I didn’t spiral down. Rather, I paused for a moment, and noticed what I was feeling, and then I thought of all the people I know or have known who were single and that they used to do stuff. It’s just a mind set adjustment for me. I guess i was pretty entrenched in the role I played in my previous relationships. Now, no one to worry about or dote on, except me?!!! That is good news! Then I realized, I can do what ever the hell I want. That’s when I decided to go to the spa. I don’t have to be good, I just have to do what I want. Lucky me! I think I am gradually “getting it”, and will be ecstatic with joy at my singledom. Just peeling off the old layers of my mind. This is so much better. What am I afraid of. I like being alone, I like my own company. Yes, this is a process, and slowly I am catching glimpses of my true self, and leaving behind the worry and fear that plagued me before. And patience, I must have patience with myself and this process. But I think I can get good at this.

I hate friday nights when I don’t have plans. I’m PMS’ing, which I think is the real problem here. I would probably feel cranky under any circumstance right now. Also, found out my cat has moderate renal failure and we are going to the vet tomorrow to learn how to give fluids via injection. It’s shocking how I always assumed she would just live forever and always be there for me. Yep, pms, okay, going to work out, that seems like the best thing to do right now. We’ll worry about being happy on our own later.

well, dad told me today, “you need to be happy alone” “you need to learn to live without a man….” “men never like it when women are needy”

oh, and “you should take dance lessons”

well, he was kind, and gave me his honest feedback, and he did listen to me obsessing and rambling in post-break up speak. I haven’t mentioned to him that I am sort of seeing a girl rignt now. Somehow, my thing with her is becoming more and more clearly a rebound/fade into friendship. My dad is right, I need to be alone and be good with it. I need to get my own plan back on track. Wait, first I need a plan, then I’ll see about getting it on a track. Before, my plan was, to try and convince B that we should start a family and get married. Now that plan has been flushed. I have no idea what my life plan is now…..survive, look forward to next paycheck, make sure a vacation is planned so I can have something to look forward to. I think it is high time I re-evaluate what I value and admire and want to embody. May need to set a goal for this. Getting back to basics, this is all good, just doesn’t really feel all that good.

well, I can’t say that I am surprised, I’m sure the universe is chuckling an “I told you so” to me. yes, it was too soon to start dating, but I’m in my mid thirties, aren’t I allowed to speed things up? Plus, wasn’t I grieving the relationship as it ended all of last year? Apparently not as neat and clean as I would have liked!
I have had almost two solid months of lust and fun, and love, and sex!, and so many good things like laughing and cuddling and holding hands, and watching movies together. And it all came to a screeching halt this week when I finally freaked out about the intimacy. All of the sudden it is clear to me that I”m not that ready to move into something so fully. The carefree part, sure, sign me up! But real honesty, communication, and relationship, whoa…..
I was surprised by how fearful I was to be honest, to be what felt like to me, the bearer of bad news. She totally understood, and is as loving and accepting as ever, which I am thankful for, but also secretly hate! Her even temper seems to mirror back to my my mood swings and fears. Very interesting times. I really see, that my communication needs some serious work! I hate confrontation, or even what I percieve as confrontation. And it is funny that what feels to me like confrontation, isn’t necessarily stressful to her or another person. Weird perception shift to figure that out. I still feel panicked and like I want to flee the scene. Her acceptance is a gift, I’m sure. Processing, processing…......
Back to this goal of being happy on my own. What ever happened to that?