stop holding grudges

I did a few myspace searches of a a few of my friends that I simply fell out of touch with. From my recollection we did not have an all out brawl but just parted ways. It seems as though many of them lead much more artistic and fun lives but I need to be honest with my goals and understand that it would diverge from my personal life goals to try to add that to my plate.

I was kinda disappointed in myself but I need to stay positive and when I reflect on them simply use it as motivation.

says she ran into one of my former friends and she said hello. I guess the conversation was brief and formal. She said my former friend looked misty eyed. I really had not reaction to this, which in retrospect seems strange but it was like nearly 4 years ago now.

so this would have been a great time to do it. I got stuck doing my usual myspace stalking and feel like I am doing a good job of letting go of my bad feelings. Time will heal.

my mother. can i forgive her for constantly disappointing me? phrased that way, i can see already that i might just need to alter the expectations i have of her. then she wouldn’t disappoint me so much.

but it’s more her past disappointments i have trouble forgiving. she’s still pulling the same crap she used to pull when i was a child, and i was fiercely angry at her then. certainly, my expectations of her are different now that i am an adult, and i think we are more or less comfortable in our reversed roles. only now, when i see that familiar pattern of hers, i get more angry simply because it is the same b.s. that deprived me of a mother when i was a child.

a good friend advises me to “rise above” this pattern we play out; that is, recognize it, name it, learn from it, and forgive. i’ve managed to recognize and name this pattern, but i’m stuck at the learning from it stage. i think i have been too blinded by anger to learn much from it. my friend says that once i figure out how this pattern has conditioned me in my other relationships and clear up whatever messes in my life have resulted from it, then i will be less angry and perhaps be able to forgive. i have not yet begun to see how i have taken this into other relationships. i should really start paying attention.

my father. can i forgive him for dying? maybe. i just miss him so much.

this goal will be easier. I need to set aside time and space for this one some weekend.

I really need to get my scrapbook stuff organized. I’d like to start getting organized and I have a good deal of things saved, it’s just they are all out of order, without any meaning to anyone but me. It brings up a great deal of anger, sadness, and less joy but if I am able to let go and make something beautiful it could be very therapeutic and make me a much more mature and happy person in the process.

good grief. i started thinking about a former boyfriend who broke my heart repeatedly. our emails have gotten friendlier recently and i was thinking about how nice it would be to spend some time together as friends. i loved him more than i loved any other lover, and it would be beautiful to salvage a friendship from our relationship. but then i started thinking about the way he treated me during those bad times and my heart hardened with mistrust and anger. even the thought of certain friends of his makes me want to keep snubbing them all.

it’s kind of terrible. it’s like letting him break my heart all over again, only this time it is completely unnecessary and my own doing.

it’s my #@*&%! pride. i’m sure of it. i’m a slave to it sometimes and it drags me down to dark places. i want to forgive. i want to let go of past grievances, but my pride won’t have it. trouble is, i really don’t know how to shut it off.

well, at least i know what my problem is. i hope that holding this awareness will lead me to opportunities to work through my dumb pride issues. ugh.

I have my feeling “re-triggered” all the time. I can be perfectly at peace watching television or folding laundry and I can put myself in a tailspin about how I felt wronged. I need to let go. Re-trigger is such a good explanation. I feel exposed just thinking about it. I don’t feel it necessary to confront the situation, especially because by this point it’s a me against them, but I need to find some peace with myself.

Totally good to acknowledge that I’m still doing it…but it’s less now.

I need to be at peace with my life.

my acupuncturist told me that this chronic problem i’ve been having is due to stagnation in the liver. according to traditional chinese medicine, the liver controls anger and depression. so anger/depression can cause the stagnation and the stagnation can cause anger/depression. i think that means letting go of my anger could also help my health. yet another motivator.