stop holding grudges

grudges are more or less stale anger. i see now how harmful anger can be and stale anything is just gross.

for the last few weeks, every morning and evening i have been affirming my desire to let go of negativity and to live with compassion. when i encounter someone who has injured me in the past, i have to actively remind myself to have compassion and to let go of the past.

i had opportunity to practice this yesterday, in fact. i ran into someone who was very close to me at one point until an unspoken falling out. lots of hurt feelings on my part. he tried to reach out to me with jokes and chatter about interests we shared. i did not resist. at least, i made efforts to not resist. it remains a challenge, but i am pleased that i remembered to try and that is huge progress.

think alot of the things that are angering me currently has alot to do with this issue

all this negativity i have been holding on to over the years has been poisoning my heart and my body. i am truly ready to let it go. it’s useless and limiting and feeds the ego.

i have done a few purification rituals recently during which i expunge all those old grudges. when i connect to my heart like that i can see clearly that all those old offenses were not about me at all and anyway they are in the past. in that space i can see the bigger picture and i am moved to forgiveness, patience, and compassion.

these rituals have been incredibly powerful for me and my heart really feels different now, lighter. i will repeat the ritual a few times to help it stick, and in a few weeks i have an appointment to see a couple of healers, for whom i have tremendous respect. that should help me move past any residual blocks.

i think i am really onto something here.

It is so strange to overcome anxiety and complete this goal.

It has also opened the door for me to be more at peace.

As I was walking into the concert I had looked forward to so greatly I felt a tap on my shoulder. I was concerned and imagined who may have tapped me. It was my male friend whose absence from my life deeply saddened me. It was so overwhelming that I have trouble recalling his appearance. I could not believe it was him at first and then could not believe that I had the power to attract him back into my life.

Let me be clear. I have not spoken to him in about 4 years. He walked up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. All of my positivity had brought him into my life. It was really awkward to think of my life starting from the time I last saw him to today. It made me upset. I was already hot and uncomfortable but I was now more overwhelmed with anger that there was no reason to share the things I have been most proud of. I knew in that moment we would never again be close friends. I searched my mind and showed happiness for his accomplishments but stopped far from staying and talking with him any further.

It was an outdoor venue and my best friend and I were going to sit in the pavilion and were therefore not prepared to sit in the wet grass. My friend and his close high school friend I had always liked made me feel welcome but I would not be comfortable and was not prepared to reopen the past knowing there would be no future. We sat in the pavilion and sincerely enjoyed the night and fantastic show. They were tight and great.

I am still processing the experience this morning. This is the first time in a long time I have thought of him as a friend. I like that. I also like that I could reflect on how I felt letting go of him earlier this summer. It helps me understand why I was so conflicted. I never have been much of a person to hold back when I care. I commit 100%. Perhaps if I am conscious of this I can make the best decisions to ensure I resent those that don’t do the same.

Sometimes they can teach you the most

I felt amazing when I woke up. I felt sincerely great this morning because I had a wonderful dream. My friends from a former life (the grudges I held) came to visit me. It was so good. I was so happy and controlled and able to process it when I woke up. I went like this.

I was living in a crowded like small home with a low ceiling and low lighting. It was night time and my friend’s friends came over. As things had been when they were young the smallest one was the most dominant and friendly and lead the way for a whole group of my former friends to come in. The guys walked in and then the one girl friend. It was just her and not the group of friends nor her now husband. (It still seems weird to type that). So, in this dream it was really nice that things were as they used to be and not really as they are, or at least in the construct of my mind I could see them as independent people.

Then I was with a group of people from my work including a person that focuses on social interaction. We were all talking and I was trying to talk to my former girl friend and she was trying to avoid really talking be argumentative in front of the other guests (no one else really stood out) so I told her that if she wanted to continue our conversation she needed to talk to me in the other room and I would meet her there. When I woke I realized that I was very proud of myself for finding a more mature way to not involve others and make myself look rude and selfish. She never came which in reality, if she really cared she would have made more of an effort to try in a personal way and not a small e-mail. I feel angry typing and processing because I know that’s not how it really is now that I am awake, but it feels so good to have replayed it the way I would be happy with like in my dream. In listening to “The Secret” it is good to replay the day like you would like to see it and I really did this in my dream and feel so much better for it.

Meanwhile, in my dream my male friend that I felt so abandoned by his loss came into my room while I waited to speak to the female friend. He was such a good person. It makes me sad now to think of him. I was so lucky to have him in my life and never showed I appreciated it. In the dream he quoted something I left as a voicemail. I never did leave a message like that, but I wished I had. It was something clever, like a play on words of a warranty. That’s just the thing with friendships, they are like big expensive purchases, there isn’t an expiration date, but a temporary warranty that says that it can’t always be fixed as it gets older and breaks down. In the dream I apologize and we are at peace. I wake up or the dream ends and I realize how he was so young when I knew him, I was too, and that I can’t fault him for moving on, but should really be grateful and thankful to myself for having such a positive person in my life in the first place. I owe so many good nights and motivating and calming school moments to him.

I wish I could have stayed stronger and less immature to be with these people now. I should have shown appreciation for the good times instead of panic and anger in knowing they had passed. It is natural for things to break down and to change. I just wish I could ask for a hug to reflect and move on. I feel so at peace with a few tears. I want to get my scrap book materials and throw them in a hope chest for a few years from now.

Time has healed and this dream is the most peace I have felt in the longest time. I need to be ready to make new magical friends and moments because I can be a good friend and a good person. I have before!

I did a few myspace searches of a a few of my friends that I simply fell out of touch with. From my recollection we did not have an all out brawl but just parted ways. It seems as though many of them lead much more artistic and fun lives but I need to be honest with my goals and understand that it would diverge from my personal life goals to try to add that to my plate.

I was kinda disappointed in myself but I need to stay positive and when I reflect on them simply use it as motivation.

says she ran into one of my former friends and she said hello. I guess the conversation was brief and formal. She said my former friend looked misty eyed. I really had not reaction to this, which in retrospect seems strange but it was like nearly 3 years ago now.

so this would have been a great time to do it. I got stuck doing my usual myspace stalking and feel like I am doing a good job of letting go of my bad feelings. Time will heal.

my mother. can i forgive her for constantly disappointing me? phrased that way, i can see already that i might just need to alter the expectations i have of her. then she wouldn’t disappoint me so much.

but it’s more her past disappointments i have trouble forgiving. she’s still pulling the same crap she used to pull when i was a child, and i was fiercely angry at her then. certainly, my expectations of her are different now that i am an adult, and i think we are more or less comfortable in our reversed roles. only now, when i see that familiar pattern of hers, i get more angry simply because it is the same b.s. that deprived me of a mother when i was a child.

a good friend advises me to “rise above” this pattern we play out; that is, recognize it, name it, learn from it, and forgive. i’ve managed to recognize and name this pattern, but i’m stuck at the learning from it stage. i think i have been too blinded by anger to learn much from it. my friend says that once i figure out how this pattern has conditioned me in my other relationships and clear up whatever messes in my life have resulted from it, then i will be less angry and perhaps be able to forgive. i have not yet begun to see how i have taken this into other relationships. i should really start paying attention.

my father. can i forgive him for dying? maybe. i just miss him so much.