i dont know if my partner loves me as much as i do for him
he tells me every morning and everytime we speak on the phone but i dont know if he wants what i want in this relationship we have been togethere now for nearly three years but there is nearly 5 years between us he is older but he dont share hardly nothing with its like his secrets he dont add me on facebook or nothing when he is on facebook and im there looking he will quickly turn it off so i cant see nothing i dont unstand anymore where i stand in this relationship 5 years ago
i dont know if my partner loves me as much as i do for him
my partner has cheated on me it was 2yrs ago know but all we do is argue he makes me feel he dont want to be with me because he just thinks of him self when we go out we end up going sepatet ways and then end up argueing iam so paranoid he he will cheat again i dont know wot to do if i dont sort something out i will lose him if i see him talking to another girl went were out i go mad at him i blame the drink when we 1st meet we stayed together and danced together but know i wont dance with it because he likes to dance close but i dont feel comfotable any more so i walk of then i see him talking to some girl and i just go mad how do i now if he wants to be with me so i can try to stop it 5 years ago
I’ve been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for 2 years…ish. I kind of have to say “ish” because I don’t know if we’ve been broken up or “on a break” or what for the past 4 months. He and I have fought so much in our relationship, and there are some things I feel I might never be able to actually forgive him for (I can forgive him for a week or so and then it comes back…so my skills on that aren’t the best). “But, but….I love him!” Haha…the thing that always keeps me. Except lately it’s harder and harder to remember why I’m staying. 1- I don’t recall the good times so well; 2- I’m still too young to really commit (20 years old); 3- the aforementioned arguing all the time.
Plenty of times he and I have “called it quits” or “decided once and for all” that we’ll stay together/give it up. But come on now…we’re kids…we don’t know what things like that mean.
Oh well, my new plan is the 4 fight commitment. I will commit to stay in this relationship even though I don’t feel like I want to, for 4 more major fights, at which point I will reassess whether anything has changed. If nothing has changed, then it means I’ll look into ways of breaking it off that will actually last. If things change, well, then I guess we’ll talk about couples counseling.
Argh. It would just make it so much easier if the following didn’t happen: most of the time I’m ambivalent about him, and it’s only when I’m dumping him that my mind goes “Oh shit…back paddle! You love him!” How come it doesn’t do that otherwise? Geez. 6 years ago
I’ve been with my husband for about 8 years. We have 2 toddler boys. I’ve been unsure lately whether or not to call it quits or at least to ask for a seperation. I knew the day we got married (about 4 years ago) that I wasn’t physically attracted to him like I should be. I have a hard time making love to him. Part of it is that both of us have gained weight since being with each other. He’s been overweight most of his life and I think he’ll always be this way. I have talked to him plenty about how it bothers me. I feel it to be disgusting most of the time even to kiss him. He’s a good person but the last few years he’s been a glass-half-empty type of guy and he’s selfish a lot. He doesn’t like to play with our kids much. His idea of entertainment is watching movies. I’d rather be going for a hike, canoeing, or dancing. He hates dancing. I love it. He hardly ever turns me on. I’ve been just chalking it up to ‘that’s how marriage is sometimes’. I feel like he deserves someone that loves him romantically. I love him and enjoy spending time with him for the most part. His libido is sooooo much higher than mine. He’s constantly grabbing me even though I say no. He wants to hug me like 50 million times a day it seems and I hardly ever feel like I want to. I’ve been thinking well, maybe it’s because I get so much love and attention from the toddlers that I don’t need a third person hanging all over me, but it was this way before kids too. I had major hesitation at the alter of our wedding and at the conception of our first child. Our second child came by surprise. To add to the confusion, we’re almost ready to move out of state (from New England to the Carolinas). If we ended it, I’m not sure if I would want to stay up here for family support even though I can’t stand winters or go down there anyhow. Can anyone give me advice? 7 years ago
I want to stop doing that.
I’ve been thinknig, and telling him: this is not going to change anytime soon. I will go on wanting from him things that he can’t give me at this point (I’m not talking about anything horrible like marriage or something, I’m talking about verbal manifestations of love an appreciation). I will not stop wanting, and I will not stop saying I want. He will not suddenly be able to give it to me. We are going to argue about it a lot, and stress about it, which will be painful for me, and abuse his limited resources of rest and relaxation (that was supposed to be me, but). And it’s going to last some time, probably a lot. But not forever, I believe.
So, this is hard. So, everything we do is hard, and yet we do it because we choose to. This is another such thing.
So what, relationships are sometimes hard.
I told him: the fact that I’m not getting what I want does not mean that your are not a good person, or not a good partner, or anything less than the best man I could want for my partner. The fact that you can’t give it, I hope, does not mean you don’t love me, or don’t appreciate me, or are not happy I’m your partner (he said: that’s very true (he’d better!) (oh wait, why did I not say even better things about myself then?)).
I really do hope that this is the end of this stupid goal, I’m so tired of it. 7 years ago
...again, and I know, I should stop doing so much of that. Anyway, I have been thinking: it seems that he has strange ways to tell me he loves me. At least this is true when he is unhappy. Sometimes I pick them up, but maybe sometimes not. If I understood that language well, maybe I would have been able to feel very much loved.
Still, learning a new language at my age, takes time.
We are both trying very hard these days. Trying hard is certainly a sign of love. Certainly. 7 years ago
It’s just that relationships can’t age so quickly. I can’t give up the “I love you”s before I’ve gotten the security, and this takes time.
I don’t want to feel like I did today ever again. But. But. I’m so stupid! 7 years ago
Our first nice weekend in pffff I don’t know how long.
That’s almost all I want out of this relationship, you know? A nice weekend once every two weeks. That’s not much. 7 years ago
No, I’ve always known that about myself. I tried to convince myself that it was no longer true but apparently it is.
I am nice. I am kind. I am a good friend. I am smart.
I am not fun. I am not cool. I am not interesting (not when I am actually present).
Even my boyfriend doesn’t like being with me.
He says he loves me. I know he does. What’s not to love? I’m nice!
This really hurts. It’s not his fault. Or mine. It’s never going to change. It’s not that some day someone else will come and he will enjoy being with me. Because I’m not enjoyable.
So, don’t be with me. You don’t feel like being with me, don’t force yourself. You want to keep saying you love me and keep thinking about me as your girlfriend? – fine. I don’t have to be there for it, right? See you sometime on June 2012, when you suddenly feel that you miss me.
Then I can say, Ah, I don’t know, I think I want to be alone today.
I’m a little sick. It’s some virus. 7 years ago
This is again not working. Neither of us is having any fun. When we finally get some time together – every other weekend – he just wants to be alone and doesn’t really want me, but feels obliged to see me or I’ll be hurt (which is true). And I’m hurt anyway, because I feel his lack of pleasure in my being there.
I said: so, do you want me to go?
He said: yes.
I cried and I went home. And I cried. And I phoned him and shouted at him that I’m not happy and that I need to be happy. He said he agreed.
He said I was important to him, but that he is always out of emotional energy on that weekend with me. Everyone else gets emotional energy, and nothing is left for me, that’s how important I am.
Important, but not fun. News flash.
I don’t want to feel what I feel right now. Was that The Conversation That Changes Everything? Sure. Like all others before it.
I’m giving it one more chance.
Why isn’t he leaving me?
This is supposed to be my productive week, and all I want to do is stay in bed and think and cry. I’m supposed to be beyond that now. 7 years ago
No point in all this artificial setting of time frames. I’ve decided to stay, now it’s time to improve the relationship.
He’s a lot better now, and back to being sweet to me. I was worried it would never happen. This may work. 7 years ago
I wanted to give it time, until the end of October, so I am. But I’m pretty sure this is my final decision. Yeay! 7 years ago
I don’t know if I can explain why, but it’s a good thing. It’s on the way to my ideal for this specific relationship – paralel lives, doing what we do, meeting when it’s possible. I can start with missing him, and end at bad memoris and a lot of anger. 7 years ago
Not seeing much of eachother, but I think we like eachother a lot now. He phones every day, and makes an effort to tell me he loves me once a week. Which is all I need, really. Once a week is perfect. He’s going through a very difficult time at work, and I feel very sorry for him. He works far too hard and gets no rest. And I want to clear out a nice little space, let him in, and give him rest on our every-other-weekend time.
He says things will change next month. I wait.
I’m staying, and this is semi-final. 7 years ago
I’ve had the following conversation with my inner representation of a wise, experienced matriarch which I refer to as My Imaginary Grand Mother and Clarisa Pinacula, alternately:
CP: we always want our partners to be everything for us. That cannot be. We have friends for that, family, blogs, 43things. You don’t need his help, you don’t need his constant (or even moderately frequent) presence…
Me: I do wish I could get from him comfort when I’m sad, but I feel very strong in not needing that from him. I consider it a lesson I need to learn from him.
CP: What is it you expect from him, then? What do you need a partner for?
Me: I need to feel loved. Not in the romantic-cliche-vionlins-playing-in-the-background sense of the word, either. I want to know that someone (not just anyone, of course, someone like him, well, in fact, him) enjoys being around me and has a high opinion of me, thinks me sweet and clever and pretty, you know.
CP: And do you get that from him?
Me: Not at the moment, I’m afraid, no.
Me: Well, I can’t get what I need all the time…
CP: Do you get what you need some of the time?
Me: Yes, I do. Today, for instance. It was great.
CP: And is this enough?
Me: No. But maybe when he feels better…
CP: Will he feel better?
Me (despairing): I wish I knew! It was so good when it was good, you know? I just want to feel loved again, to know I’m being loved.
CP: Does that require saying “I.L.Y.” at a certain frequency?
Me: I wish I knew another way.
CP: Staying with you?
Me: Is he?..
CP: Are you?..
No final conclusion, I’m afraid. Give it time, but that’s not very final. 8 years ago
First time in Pfff I don’t know how long. Not a very good running session, but it certainly did what running is supposed to do for me.
I live my life. They are sometimes painful, sometimes wonderful – more wonderful than painful. He is welcome to it if and when he wants (provided, of course, that it suits me too, but that’s just a formality. I always want him around). But I’m not letting him drag me into his own depressions (my own are quite right for me, thankyouverymuch). He is welcome to come over, he is welcome to my resources of love and comfort if necessary, and he is welcome to leave, for the day or forever.
(But then, what should happen for me to leave him? Well, certainly if he ever treats me like he used to before we broke up. I can’t draw the line. I know this will be a problem.
I’m really, really going to try. But to tell the truth, I don’t believe it will work.) 8 years ago
I thought that I can manage this: do my stuff, feel happy or unhappy regardless of him, which is good, it’s what I aspire to, it’s what would make this possible, I believe. And most of the time I would be happy. Because I’m this happy person, you see. That has never been proved, but I know it to be true. Keeping busy helps. I’ve been busy these days, and I felt great.
Then I talked to him on the phone, and he sounded so much like he doesn’t want to talk to me (why did he call, then?).
I am nice. I am nice to him. I am nice in general, I am a nice person. I am pretty, smart and attractive. So there. 8 years ago
It would just be such a relief.
The basic assumption on taking him back was that he should feel, well, for lack of a better word, thankful, and not take me for granted. Why should I have to suffer this? I deserve better. Not a better man, I think he is the best man in the world, but a better relationship. If none is to be had, I can have a much better statisfying relationship with myself.
Give it more time, maybe he’ll come around?
Have I not been doing that too long, if last time counts (which it does)? 8 years ago
I’ve just realised, and I don’t know why I haven’t realised that before: over time, two things happen in a romantic relationship – there shoule be more security, more stability, and at the same time, less obvious manifestations of love – less “I love you”s, less compliments. And that would be ok, because they are not needed so much – I don’t need to hear he loves me every day if I’m already sure of that. The reason I’m so desperate for him to tell me that now (and not with a gun pointed at his head), is because I’m really not sure he hasn’t stopped loving me since last time. Our relationship has aged but not matured. I’m very sorry, but I have a good reason to suppose that there’s a chance of him leaving me. Last time it started with him not talking, and ended with him leaving me. And at the time, when I asked him what was goin on, he said the same things: that he was unhappy, not because of me, and had to deal with it on his own and then it would be ok. No.
I want to talk to him about that. He’s on a buisness trip, I’m waiting for him to return. One or the other would have to change: either I can count on him to stay (no idea how that’s going to happen), or he will have to tell me periodically.
The first option is preferable. I really don’t want to be so needy and dependent, but how can I? 8 years ago
After the Big Talk, I’ve been feeling better. I felt more comfortable to be warm and loving towards him, and he was more capable of showing me he wanted to be around me. When he had his daughters over, he invited us to meet them, which is something I don’t take for granted. When we were there, with all the kids, I was happy to be there and was being very nice and loving… then he told me about something he did that hurt my feelings (he exchanged half of our no-kids weekend, never mind, the thing is he didn’t consult me first, but that’s not the issue). Immediately I changed towards him. I knew he didn’t know what has offended me; he probably thought that I was angry about the act, not about the fact that I wasn’t consulted. I didn’t want to discuss it just there and then, but I was so hurt. Then later at night I knew I should phone him and talk about it, but I really didn’t feel like talking to him. This is a typical mistake; I let things pass like that, and then it seems so childish to go over it again.
I’m being so boring right now. Oh, skip it, it’s just therapeutic writing.
I recognised the pattern, and I phoned him the next day and let him know exactly what I thought. I didn’t shout or cry; I just told him that this was a decision related to me and I expect to be a part of it. He listened, understood (I do love him), didn’t quite accept it and I think he was a bit hurt, but I took it off my heart and I deserve a pat on the back. I may be getting better. This may just work in the end. 8 years ago
on the phone. One of those talks that men are supposed to dread. But my man says he’s “The New Man” so he doesn’t.
I really like him. He’s good.
No spedific conclusions, but I feel better just for talking. He said he sees it as just a temporary crisis.
I started that conversation with no specific agenda, I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Just that something was wrong, I don’t know exactly what and how to fix it, and maybe he had an idea? He didn’t.
While talking, I realised two things: one – I don’t know how healthy relationships age. I have no idea how it feels over time. I believe that it’s supposed to change, that the infatuation goes and something else starts, but what? Is this within the normal range? Two – that I don’t know that this relationship is a solid fact, something I can trust. He may decide to leave me tomorrow, and then what is all the hard work for? I don’t feel at all safe, and that’s not a good feeling. 8 years ago
but it’s not working very well. We’re unhappy together. I wanted to give it time and see if it can be helped, but I need to set a limit. I guess it will be my goal for October (September being the month of my new business).
Oh, and I forgot to add: of course, of course it’s a mutual decision. 8 years ago