Be who I am: Confidently & Honestly

“You are loved, and you are worthy, and you are valued and life is supposed to be good for you. You are worthy, you are valued, you are loved and life is supposed to be good for you.”

I know that I am not perfect, but I accept myself as I am.
I apologize to no one for who I am. Therefore, I am going to be me confidently and honestly. Amen~

Right now I feel despair in the pit of my stomach. Today tested every part of me. It challenged me to go beyond my boundaries and step into places I’ve never been.

My previous job’s president asked me to come back and help with a project that was deteriorating, which I agreed because I liked the client. This was against my better judgement since they seemed completely disinterested in whether I got paid on time for the previous work I did for them. Everything blew up when I requsted a quicker payment for my hours. A simple, legitimate request that led to accusations and drama from the president. I responded to it by resigning from the project. He showed me complete disrespect and didn’t acknowledge me at all in any of the correspondences. Our telephone conversation today was the same. It was like he couldn’t hear or integrate anything that was outside of himself. Whenever I talked about me he sounded like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Not being heard or acknowledged is a hot button for me. I’ve never gotten so emotional and angry over work. This has left me feeling drained and in need of a warm hug.

He wanted to talk again tonight but I waited and nothing. Unless he’s in a hospital, this is completely disrespectful to me. He still wants me to come back to the project because it’s a mess, but my decision’s firm. I may leave the opportunity open for future work if things change, but this one is closed.

For me to completely accomplish this goal, I’ll have to be honest with my negative feelings. I’m great at expressing positive supportive comments, but negative ideas freeze me. For instance, I got me bangs trimmed today. I told my hairdresser exactly the length and the style I wanted. I went in with anticipation and walked out with bangs a full inche shorter than I requested. And, I thanked her twice for it. Instead of saying, “Hey, this is too short”, I kept quiet. My thinking in the moment was that it was too late to correct but this is dishonest. When she asked me what I thought I could have told her the truth. I feel like I took the easy route. Honesty can take courage sometimes and it feels better than passive dishonesty.

More and more, I feel like I am living authentically. Living this way means being continuously conscious of my decisions and words. It’s being wholly responsible for my life and toward the people I interact with.

I declined an invitation to get togther with a friend today. He’s a very nice man but I never truly enjoy our times together. At first I was going to say yes out of guilt, then I tried to think up excuses, and finally I realized that the truth would be just fine. So I told him that I wasn’t up to getting together, but that we could try later on. I feel good about being honest, kindly. And this is key for me remember because I often forget: I can be honest and kind, too. Honesty doesn’t have to be brutal.

It feels great to be my authentic self. When the mask dissolves I’m right there inside the experience. It’s the truest way of living. There’s always a split second of hesitation when I’m with someone where I decide whether to be genuinely myself or to put on the mask. I’m happy that more and more I decide to be genuine. There’s an initial anxiety each time I do this, but once I step on the gas pedal it’s a thrill.

Being present propels me to do this. When I’m right there, in the moment, I’m genuinely myself. There’s no hesitation to say and do what’s on my mind. It’s real.

It’s about putting ourselves out there without reservation. Laying everything out in full. No makeup or disguises, wearing only genuine honesty. Being genuine makes all the difference; this means I can be shy and confident and angry all in one breathe because it is me, in full. I had this feeling all through today. I’m going to hold onto it and savour.

Right now it’s angry.