Overcome my OCD

Today was my first day back at school since my 44 day stay at the hospital, and it’s the last week of school before exams start. It’s very scary, because I’m still expected to write my exams, and I’m basically on the edge with being overwhelmed. But I guess this is real life, right? Who said coping with my OCD would be easy? I’ll just have to tough it out, and look forward to the summer in the weeks ahead.

ok today has been a hard day checking comments on FB ovr and over again to see of i had written offencive things or if they made sence the worst is i really have been snapping at my family coz when im pannicing inside about things and they aks me a civil question i snap nd tell them to f-off…. shit day to day but iv got to ride it out i just find i helps comming on here and writig it down for some reason just coz i know some one might b listening . x

i feel really terrible to day
im really anxious and i have loads of work i need to do but cant do it coz i can stop worrieing about stupid things mainly about well i dont really wanna say but yep feel like crap iv just gotta ride it out

this is something i have been struggling with ever since i was six years old. sure, there have been times in my life where i have been free of ocd and all of the anxiety and fear that goes into that, and they have certainly been the best times of my life. but of course i obsess and worry and think about something else later- an ongoing struggle. time and time again i have felt like i was the only soul going through this, either i have never met anyone with my problems, they don’t exist, or they don’t talk about. anyways, i spent too much time feeling desperately, hopelessly alone, wrapped up in my own mind.

today was the first time i ever reached out for help. it was frankly terrifying, thinking the doctor was going to tell me i was insane or something, waiting there. but it felt so amazing to finally come out and tell people my problems and all of the things i’ve kept secret for so long. im going on meds and going to do counseling. i feel very optimistic, i know its not going to be always easy, but i feel i would do anything to be able to complete this or at least keep it under my control….i thank god for this.

My OCD is getting a bit ridiculous. I don’t let anyone see it (well… only one close friend really knows how bad it is), but it’s getting just a bit out of control. My parents would never understand or take me seriously if I came right out and told them that I strongly believe I have OCD, so I’ve kept it to myself for a few years. Finally one of my close (older) friends noticed. She doesn’t think it’s a tragedy or anything. On the contrary, she finds it hilarious, I think. But, it’s actually kind of scaring me. Time to fix this? But how? And I’m scared that if I do fix it, I’ll turn into a slob. I’m glad that I’m cleanly and neat, and if my OCD problem goes away, I don’t want to be a wreck. But at the same time, something has to be done.

My OCD is getting worse. Yesterday I went home from work and touched my fabric clothes organizer and slided it a bit through the rod without washing my hands and taking shower. I have been going nuts ever since.
Now I think that all my clothes had been contaminated by the residue/powder that I might carry from work. And since I work alot with batteries, I am afraid these residue will ruin my clothes; fade the color or bleach them all together.

I don’t know anymore whether my reasoning is really logical or not. Is it?
I know this is a art of the CBT, but I feel that my clothes were really damaged by these residue. And counter-attacking my thought by thinking “IOh yeah, I could buy new clothes to replace them” does not help. Because the devil in me says that by entering the closet without taking shower, I have contaminated the whole closet.

I can’t stand it anymore….

perhaps i will never be able to click the i have done this button on this one. maybe it’s a lifelong struggle. but i have made a lot of progress in this area. sometimes the way the ocd manifests itself changes, as in i will obsess about different things. a big problem for me is sometimes i want something to be over with, even something i enjoy, because i’m afraid it will get ruined. so i want it to be over and just be a good memory. but this is probably not good and i’m going to fight it. i’ve overcome other ocd obsessions, this one doesn’t seem impossible. i also look down at my shoelaces a lot to see if they’re tied. i will try to do this less. thanks to everyone who has helped me in this struggle :)

for fuck sake its starting again i thought it was out of mym life fpor good… i had the best few months of my life had therappy and thought i was done and now my minds up to its old fucking tricks runnig round in paranoid circlels. i really dont want to go back to the nervious wreck i was this time last year… i wanna excape!

I’m starting from scratch on this one. I know I can’t overcome it in the next 2 weeks, it’s unrealistic and too much pressure. I’m starting again, but I’m going to do it properly this time, as a new goal and with the proper treatment.

Cold turkey didn’t work that time round. But cutting down gradually isn’t going to work either because it’ll be too tempting to go back. I’ve set a date, so I’m gonna do it now. I’m totally cutting it out and by December 31st I’ll be free of it. It’s now or never. No matter how much it hurts, I’m going to do it.