live authentically

with mrsbill and my two sons. They were out shopping for hockey gear and invited me to join them at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I declined.

I don’t want to go to dinner out with mrsbill again, even with my sons. I don’t enjoy her company, and it would ruin my dinner.

Yesterday, my son E called me during my counseling session, and asked where I was.

I said, “I’m out. What do you need?”

He said, “where are you?”

I said, “What do you need?”

He said, “I need a ride somewhere.”

I said, “I’ll be back about 5 PM”

I don’t know why I didn’t want to tell him I was at my counselor’s office.

When I picked him up from the golf driving range later that day, he asked again and I told him. I said I’ve been going to a counselor for about two years, maybe more, to figure out why I’m so unhappy in my marriage. He asked if mom went with me. I said, no. I go to figure out why I’m unhappy.

His mom (mrsbill) did not want to go the two times I suggested it, but I didn’t tell him that. That is between her and me.

So, he knows that I see a counselor. I suppose that is more authentic.

met with my counselor after a month since last meeting on 6/8/2009. Next meeting set for 2009 07 20 just before I go to NY.

Reviewed that I discussed pending divorce (no specific time set yet) with my father-in-law … he was not surprised by anything I said.. even said “I can’t believe you’ve stayed this long.”

Talked to my sons (see the other posting).

Told of my plans later that day to see the attorney.

made an appointment for two weeks out. Good to have a professional to listen to my story and coach me.

outlined several plans, including “include some water, so we have room to negotiate”

He’ll fill out the forms, e-mail them to me, and I’ll review them. I’ll then be in a position to file for divorce at a time of my choosing, with adequate preparation.

I looked at providing a fund for college out of current assets, not out of “future ability to pay.” Putting aside money from the sale of the house does that.

I looked at being fair: dividing joint assets (real estate and retirement savings) and a ‘fair’ allocation of child support and spousal support for some period of time.

Grounds for divorce can be: irreconcilable differences (my #1 choice), extreme and repeated mental cruelty (not a bad second choice), alcoholism (I pointed out that I don’t attend meetings), or adultery.

Once grounds are established, they are inconsequential for division of assets or determining spousal support.

His best advice is to avoid using the kids as pawns in the divorce proceedings. I completely agree.

Paperwork should be ready for my review in a few weeks. I’ll look for that e-mail.

Today, 6/29/2009, I have finally put the package together to send to my attorney. The financial affidavits, the copies of past tax returns, the statements of retirement accounts.

I did mail it this week, and I HAVE an appointment for next week to review strategy and pay my $3000 retainer to the attorney who will prepare the divorce documents to file when I give the word.

It has been a “matter of when, not if” for some time now. I want to be done before the kids go off to college, and that is two years from now. I don’t want to start then.

It is time to get going.

Authenticity …. The quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy, or genuine. Having a claimed and verifiable origin or authorship; not counterfeit or copied

We all conform.. in some way. We all want approval from those we feel are important to us. Important enough to give us their approval. Even the anti-conformist wants approval from other anti-conformist. So the first step in being authentic is to search your heart and find out what you want to conform to, I need to realize my weakness and my strength, because I DO have BOTH. I know that even the strongest piece of mettle, when put under enough heat and pressure can be bent, twisted and molded. I want to keep my own unique shape. The one God created me for, at the same time growing and changing and becoming more me. Not being shaped by others around me, push into a mold and made into something that is not me for their approval and not my own or what I have chosen. I want to be the change! Stir the pot. It may make a few people angry. I may say a few things that you don’t like. but as Winston Churchill said in one of my favorite quotes

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

I want to stand up for something… I want to change my little piece of the world

“What did you say to my father?”
- I told him what I’ve told you, that I don’t think we will stay married. I’ve been unhappy for a very long time, but waiting for the boys to be old enough.

“Who else have you told? I need to know so I will know if it’s coming back to me”
- I told your brother and sister, your dad, and the boys.

“Why do you want to have my family over here on Fathers’ Day?”
- because it’s Fathers’ Day and I like them. I’d like to have them over.
“We are going to (Sister in Law’s) house.”
- Does she know? Does your Dad know?
“It was (Sister in Law’s) job to invite people.

“You are doing the same thing with this marriage that you did with your first marriage. Talking too much.”
- (to myself … yes, last time I made a decision in about three weeks, but now there are kids. )

“I don’t want you talking to my family about this.”
- you can’t control who I speak to. (note: I know, I should have said, “You don’t get to decide to whom I speak.”)

“You’re not gone yet, and you shouldn’t be talking about this”
- no, I’m not gone yet.

notice: no indication that I am wrong, or that I’m completely missing her devotion and love and admiration of me.

Him: How are you doing, Bill?

Me: Well, you know this relocation back to Chicago was a surprise, and not as welcome as my former manager might have thought. I know it solved a problem for him, and for you, and while I’m here I’ll work hard for you. But my desire is to live and work in DC.

Him: What is your time frame?

Me: that is undecided just now. (I didn’t want to tell him “last week would be fine.”)

Him: I’m not going to hold you to a time frame. If something comes along that is right for you, I’ll support you and not hold you here. I don’t have the time to look for that for you, but if you find it, I’ll work with you

Me: thanks. And how much do you want to know about my vacation plans or working from home away from home plans?

Him: If you’re out of pocket, just have a back up person. Vacations are meant to be taken… take them all.

it started with, “your friend Jeff’s parents are divorced, how does that work for him?”

He lives with his mom and sees his dad every other weekend.

I know you don’t like to talk about this, but we need to. Your mom and I are not getting along. We’re probably going to get a divorce at some point.

E: that is between you and mom, why don’t you just work it out? Don’t involve us.

me: it has been a problem for so long that it can’t be worked out. I’m talking to you now because it will involve you.

E: I’m just going to ask this and I want the truth: have you ever cheated on Mom?

me: I said, “no, I haven’t” ... but that was a lie. I didn’t two-time her, and that is hardly the same thing. In other words, for a decade or more I didn’t have relations with her or anyone else. Then I decided to see if she was right about me not being interesting, clever, charming, etc. Turns out she was wrong. But I still wasn’t sleeping with mrsbill. But I lied. Perhaps they will forgive me later with that explanation, or not.

I asked if they thought mom had cheated. E said, “mom said she would only if Dad did.”

That was interesting to me.

Any ideas on how I should have answered that question? I didn’t want them to use their 16 year old frame of reference.

Long talk about how I hope they can stay in the house until they go off to college, but we may have to start sooner to sell the house so there will be money. E wants to know if there will be money to send him to college. I said, yes, because we have some money saved for retirement. Amazingly, he said, “but that is for your retirement.” I said, “yes, but we also need to fund some or all of your college costs.”

It was a difficult discussion. But it was needed. They heard the words that reflect what they have known from their eyes.

You know the scene: Young man takes his girlfriend’s father aside and asks permission to marry his daughter.

Sort of like that, two decades later, saying “I’m going to divorce your daughter.”

You don’t expect him to say, “I can see how this makes sense. You deserve to have a happy, loving, caring relationship.”

It also helps if he can relate in his marriage to mrsbill’s mother. He eventually left that marriage to live happily for ten years until his new wife died. He can relate.

We talked and talked about the conflicts. He shared more than he should have about other family members, which makes me realize he’ll share more than he should about me, when it serves his needs. I have only said, “the life of a monk with your daughter for 12-13 years” and “yes, I have been on a ‘date’ or two in D.C. but not having sex with anyone.”

He did give me advice about Viagra. “Be sure to take them an hour before you need them to work… you know… for best results.”

I shared with him that my doctor had given me a sample pack, but that I have not had the occasion to use them. But, that I was looking forward to that time.

He said he loved me like a son, perhaps more than he loves the sons he has, and he wants me to be happy. “See you next weekend.”

Lunch was good, too. $17 all you can eat Dim Sum. There was a video. You know where to find it.

Fathers Day is coming up next Sunday.