have the courage to live

...really tough one to do right now. I hate my life. I’m just a freaking loser!!!!!

don’t have much right now….just want to die…I hate this world…I hate people…I hate my life…I hate everything…

I’ve learned that suicide is the biggest mistake a person could make. I’ve lost two friends to suicide, a sister and a teacher.

I have come to the conclusion that I have lost hope and faith in people. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to do anything or to go on with my life.

As a kid I only waited for someone to help me. As a teenager and now an adult, I had tried so hard to create a future for myself. I always only have myself to depend on even thought I keep reaching out for help. Most “friends” would say, “I wish I could help.” A good friend visited me the day before my birthday. I believe she truly cares about me, but she is too young. She can’t help me other than keeping me company on the phone once or twice on the phone each month.

I have started to feel distant from other people again. It feels like I don’t know any of them any more. It is all a dream.

Overheard a man talking on his cell phone outside MY apartment window (for 4 hours) “I know I can do better but is it worth it?”

My ex-gf likes to shout “You are only looking at the empty half of the glass” when I am depressed. This saying is old and has a lot of wisdom in it. BUT here is the empty half of this reality:

1. people love money more than any other things
2. people are competitive
3. people take advantage of others
4. people kill each other for their own greater good
5. people are selfish
6. people are selfish
7. people are selfish

I’m not saying there are not good people in this world. They are just not enough.

Down the Well
Take a penny and some magic,
Even though your life is tragic,
You can throw in all your dreams down the well,
Although everyday the pain grows,
You’ll ride unicorns on rainbows,
If you throw all your dreams down the well,
When your life comes apart at the seams,
And you’ve given up all your dreams,
Here is just the means to make those dreams come true
No more sufferin’, no more sighin’,
No more pain and no more cryin’!
When you throw in all your dreams down the well!

The Magic Has Gone Missin (Same tune)
Oh the magic has gone missin’,
And everyone’s still wishin’,
But their dreams have fallen flat upon the ground,
You’ll find magic under rubble,
So, Patrick, grab a shovel!
And here is where the magic can be found!
We’re at the bottom of a well,
But man won’t it be swell,
When we make everyone’s wishes all come true!

I think i have the courage to live but I don’t know if I have the means to live….what am I saying? I don’t know. It’s all very confusing…..

yes, I’m still feeling good…..

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on! —Wlferd Peterson

I feel much better today. I still can’t see my future – meaning the light at the end of the tunnel – but I feel I’m where I should be at the moment.

I ordered some books online yesterday using my ex-gf’s credit card (I’m completely broke). She isn’t happy about it but she’s not mad. She just asked what books I ordered. I told her and she’s fine with it. She knows books calm me down most of the time.

We are not together, but I think we are heading that way. I broke up with her for the second time two years ago. She’s a nice person but she’s too smart for me. I know I am smart – I learn quick. She is one of those people who don’t need to learn and still know everything.

We love each other. She is very eager to get back with me. For now, I think we need to work on some issues before we consider getting back together.