be a survivor and not a victim

One day I awoke to see my battered face in the mirror and realized that because I was used to be a victim I, to some extent, played the part. My beliefs led me to behave in a way that allowed others to abuse me. From that point on I acted in a way that led others to sense that I was a survivor. It has been almost 10 years since I saw the truth in the mirror and I am so much stronger now. At times my journey has been so frightening I won’t deny it. No one abuses me any longer because I do not allow it.

I survived. I almost died when I was 11 and 20. Obviously, I’m still alive.

I survived when I was 11 because I was aleady in the hospital for something else. The nurse found me in time. According to my mom, I turned green from head to toe. To this day, I still don’t know what caused it.

I survived when I was 20 because one of my friends found me in my apartment. I took overdose. I only remember that I had been upset for some times and I got a headache that morning. I took something for it and ended up taking the whole bottle of pills and some other things.

I also survived my childhood. One meal a day and almost daily beating. My mom was very, very unpredictable. Even today, I’m still “the mom” who care for her. I don’t like it, but I can’t get the horrible image out of my head. When I was about 6, my mom went crazy – laughing & crying uncontrolibly. She got to my face and said, “I’m crazy. I’m going to kill myself.” Well, I just started crying and my 3-year-old brother thought it was funny.

With all these, the asshole had been molesting me. I think it all started when I was 6 and ended when I was 9. It started again when I was 14 on and off until 16. I locked my room door at night, you see. He told my mom that he only wanted to look at me. My mom believed him and asked me not to lock the door. I ignored her. Then he started to ask me to watch movie with him. I usually didn’t watch the whole movie because I would lock myself in my room when the characters were raping a girl in groups or stuff like that.

Well, I don’t know why I’m writing all these…