find it

And I was still under the spell of the sleeping pill from yesterday.

that it is somewhere. Everything we need is technically somewhere, the problem is to be in the right place at the right time to coexist. So thinking of it being there kinda helps…

I took the liberty to translate M. Beck’s recommendations to my own problematic quest. I believe these can be helpful for anyone looking to find something…(desirable or not, but useful nonetheless)

1) be still for 15 minutes, and do nothing (strictly nothing)
2) Identify a moment of truth
3) Identify a desire
4) Take risks toward your desire

...and there is more, but I had my hands full with these so far!

I shouldn’t have taken what wasn’t mine. In a hurry of getting faster to the finish line I grabbed the first available, signing a contract to pointless worries and useless experiences. “Sigh”, I should have waited instead.

or so I thought. It appeared to me, that I have not been looking at all, but fantasizing about finding it. Precisely finding what I needed was impossible, and on top of that, all the things I didn’t need were jumping in my face. That was awful; I was shocked, surprised, almost depressed by the end of it. I better let go the dream of finding this one. This will need some grief counseling I bet. I think at the end I will be fine, besides even if I don’t have that one, there are some good ones in other places. Sometimes it’s better to have something than nothing!

I think it’s a question of time.

Ha, this reminds me of my natural right: “The pursuit of happiness”. It’s a pursuit and nothing more because chances are once you find it there will be nothing else in life to work towards. Pure bliss is a hard thing to match on motivation, in my opinion, and I think if I ever actually found it my life would suddenly freeze at a stand still. Not very exciting, if you ask me, but the journey there is definitely going to be one I don’t want to miss out on. I wonder what I’m searching for…

My best friend moved to another city (not too far but still a good 2 hours away) and I’m missing her terribly. The truth is, missing her is mostly making me sad because I wasn’t ready for her leave. I spent so much time whirling in my own problems, dead lines, jobs, interviews that I didn’t take the time to prepare myself for this.
We knew each other for 15 years, have traveled together, did all the best friend stuff, cried in each others arms, quarreled, etc. She left because she found another job in another city and her boyfriend can have a better career future there as well. I know she will love it there and will stay there for many years, at least.
We met for coffee for the last time, without even knowing it was the last time. Seems like it’s always harder to cope with someone leaving than leaving yourself. I shouldn’t despair as I know have a perfect opportunity to take a midnight bus to Toronto, have a girly stay over, go shopping and visit a new city.
But I miss her!

Took a stroll in a park with my husband and found white flowers to put in the bedroom. Gives a country look to a rather formal room…

Last year, right before Christmas time when I went to Odessa with Jacob to visit his family and friends, I bought the Nine Inch Nails DVD “Beside You In Time”.

I WAS EXTATIC.

It was the only NIN video, DVD, whatever that I haven’t seen.

I cherished it all the way back home.

Then, things led to other things that I don’t remember/never knew about, and I am left with nothing but an empty case.
I looked all around for it at my dad’s house before I moved in with Jacob, then I looked all through my things after I moved out of Jacobs, I’ve looked through every nook-and-cranny on random days, and it was nowhere to be found

THEN.

THIS MORNING.

I woke up, slept in the guest room at my dad’s girlfriend’s apartment, and I go over to where I put my pink duffle bag and plastic bin of clothes.

For whatever magical reason, I looked on top of this white wicker cabinet and there’s a DVD turned upside down.

For whatever other magical reason, I turn the DVD over.

And there it was.
My gem.
Beside You In Time.
Not a scratch.
In perfect condition.

Tears ran down my cheeks as horns wailed through the air, churchbells ringing, children bolting outside to sing the song of praise with streamers and confetti, the President made an emergency Address to the Nation speech, Fox 4 News is banging on the door for a comment at this very moment…

I swear.
Things are good!