Let someone in

a really bad patch with my girlfriend, and I’ve been having so much trouble dealing with it. I don’t really like to open myself up to people even close friends, but I’ve had amazing support from my friends. I just decided what am I doing, I have friends here, if they are my friends they will understand. I really opened up to a couple of friends, I was so scared they would run away (don’t ask me why I thought that) but they were so understanding, it made me so happy to be able to feel like I wasn’t alone, that I had friends I could talk to, its something I should have done a long time ago.

I’m not the type of person that lets people in easily. I am generally quite guarded and try very hard to not let my guard down and not let people in my life. This is no way to live. I’ve realized that, in order to make true friends and find true love, I must be willing to put myself out there a little bit and let people get to know the real me. I am a much more sensitive and loving guy than I’ve ever shown before. I am really going to try to be more open with people and let the real me shine through.

There was this man who wanted me in his life and I wanted him too. But, unfortunately I was not free, and he tried too hard to show me that I was not the only one he was interested in. Further more, we where so different ,but instead of embracing the differences, we showed total disrespect toward each other. I liked that this man was so different then I am, although this could be challenging for any kind of relationship even the friendship one. I know that deep inside he cherished and loved me, even though he could not understand me.
What do you do when faced with the situation like this? When I became Christian I understood that everything what happened to me is an act of God, and that He will never put me through something that I can’t handle. I don’t know if through all this I became a better person , more tolerant perhaps, or I closed my heart even more.

That’s hard, really. I have been closed to people in my life, but I tend to get blurry and lose my-self when I do, which makes me confused about what I need, who i am and so on.

I’d love to be close to somebody withouth losing who I am.

I think I’m letting a lot of people inside my heart recently.

But, I’m not checking this off, yet.

I’m still waiting. To find a person who I can tell everything I think and feel to. Everything about me. Just one person. Who will accept me.

So. I’ll keep doing my best, ‘kay?

I tend to keep people out, not to share bits of myself on a daily basis, thinking that if I listen enough to the other person, they’ll finally listen to me, but it never happens…
Confused about that one. I think I need to learn to talk more, even if the other person is not the best listener.

It doesn’t matter what I do. I am going to be alone. I keep having these grand epiphanies where I finally realize how much I’ve been lying, to myself and to others, and how I never let anyone in and I close off to everyone and push people away before they get too close. Then I try to change, after they’ve called me out on it. I pray to God, and I tell everyone, “It’s for real this time. I’ve changed this time for good.” Then I am naked. Just plain me with nowhere to hide. And somehow I’m always shocked to realize how terrified I am of being known.

Apparently, I fear the same thing that I yearn for. I long to be known, understood, and loved. But as soon as it happens I am scared. Not consciously scared. There is no sense of fear. There’s really no time to fear, I guess. Because I stop it before it gets the chance to happen. Even now, when I want to let it happen, when I want to become vulnerable to the man I love, there are so many parts of me that I can’t give to him. He gets a certain version of me, and he gets walls. Behind the walls are many different things. One wall hides pain and tears and sensitivity. The next wall hides embarrassment. The next hides creativity and singing. And the last wall ultimately hides the selfish, vice-ridden person I really am. It hides a lot of evil. It hides the intangible things, the experiences I’ve stolen from people over the years. It hides guiltlessness. It is the innermost layer, the one that no one will ever see except for the small glimpses that the few who have been hurt by me have gotten.

Some come close…or so I let them believe. I let them think they’ve figured me out and if the acting wasn’t good enough before that, it gets phenomenal afterward. This is the part where they think I’ve changed. But it doesn’t take long for me to retreat back inside myself where I can go to the inner layer and be alone with me, where I and only I can understand and be understood.

And that is why I am going to end up alone.

So it has taken me a long time to really let someone in, let them see all the hurt and pain. But I have finally done it.

It’s nice to know there is someone that I can talk to about all of this.

You left me, betrayed my trust.
You told me you would love me forever.
I am less naive now, not quite as trusting.
So when he entered my life, I was afraid to let him in.
Not necessarily afraid, but cautious.
I didn’t immediately fall head over heels for him.
This was a good thing.
I wanted to take my time.
I still don’t love him quite like I loved you.
Unconditionally. Immediately. Without question.
But he never ceases to give me one more reason to love him that much more.
It is slowly growing.
And it is infinitely better.

There wasn’t any warning. There wasn’t any knowing. It just happened. It was opened and it happened, leaving me with one of the most scared feelings I’ve had in awhile.

I’m totally emotionally drained at the moment, but it was worth it. It’s rare that I feel like this. I’m tired physically and mentally but I know I’m not ready for rest yet, because I have to let this sink in.

To anyone that wants this- know that you can’t “make it happen”. You’ll know when you’re ready, and you should just leave a door open. Leave a way in, and welcome anyone to step in. If someone doesn’t want to walk in the opened door, don’t force them- because that’ll just break you inside and out, making that door close again.

You might not expect the person to walk in, but that’s what makes life enjoyable- you won’t expect it.

~Lainko